Fake it till you make it

That's right I said it fake it till you make it. Everyone thinks I'm happy and over this fiasco. I'm back with a vegence appearances would have you believe. I'm matching and caring about my way of dress once more. I'm hanging out with people more then I did before. I'm laughing and smiling and coming up with things for people to do. I'm constantly sending texts to see what the new is. I'm talking about the situation without obsessing about it or crying when someone brings it up. I taught my first Relief Society lesson without any signs that I was in a million tiny little shreds from having my heart ripped torn and stomped on. I'm also picking up new projects so according to what everyone sees I've made it back to sanity.
Appearances are the liars that we all wish we could be. The above picture is the greatest example! Looks like I'm the happiest person alive don't I? That picture was taken the night of the break up! You can't tell that one of those girls had to keep a 24 hr vigil to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. You would never surmise that another one of the girls there that night rampaged my whole apt for all of my prescribtion medicines to make sure I didn't take any. I was a mess I am a mess and I will be for a long time. It's not necessary for everyone to see how tortured I am in the inside. I am my own glue no one can put the pieces back together but me.
Erik says 'he is dead to you' so he thinks I can be not just my old self but a better me by saying that. I have to go on and so I do. The honest truth is that each time I go to a certain site on line and it tells me he was looking at my profile I break into tinier pieces. Each time a memory of him floods my mind it leaks some of those memories through my eyes in the form of tears. Each time it dawns on me how willing he was to let me go even though he said he would never do that I die a million new deaths. So I smile and I go out partying every night, I work on a million new personal projects, I do overtime at work, I smile and I laugh at all the jokes, shamelessly flrirt with any guy who flirts with me in the hopes that as I fake it one day in the very near future I can do it without having to fake it.