February 22
I had president's day off so I decided to use it wisely. I had plans of cleaning my house and going to the gym and catching up on things like writing my friends and all that such none sense. I even thought that I could get some arts and crafts in something along the lines of scrap booking or starting a painting.
First things first of course and after waking up I got in my gym clothes and caught the trolley to the gym. I got on the tread mill and set it up for an hour of running uphill the whole way. I put in my head set and began running in my target heart rate for as long as I could. Suddenly as I was listening to Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm I felt someone looking at me. I turned my head and there was Mike, the gym's personal trainer director. I took my head set off and smiled at him.
"Didn't mean to startle you," he said.
"It takes more then that to startle me. What's up?"
"Just wanted to say hi," he smiled at me. I smiled back but was suspicious. Mike had never talked to me before. I knew that he was interested in Megin my former personal trainer and friend.
"That's nice of you. You must be dying working here on the holiday knowing everyone that's coming in has the day off," I made idle chit chat.
"It's part of the job," he was looking at the monitor on the tredd mill.
"I'm keeping my target heart rate," I ackwnowledged.
"Obvious?"
"I'm a therapist it's my job to pay attention to the body language and read between the lines without the person realizing it unless I want them to," I gave him another smile. Did he know that I was telling him I knew he was only talking to me to pump information out of me?
"Any plans for the rest of the day?" he changed the subject,or had he?
"After the gym I have two small errands to run in the city and then I'm going back to University City," I took my water bottle.
"What are you doing in the city?"
"Buying a birthday present for a freind and I brought Megin's Christmas present with me. I've had it for several months and I need to give it to her before it's Easter," I decided to cut the chase.
"Where does she work again?"I thought that he didn't know.
"You know around Urban Outfitter and Ann Taylor," I smiled at hm innocently. I gave him a two block area. With all the stores and her odd schedule he would have a hard time finding her.
"You're doing good at keeping a pace to keep your target hear rate," he pointed at the monitor. He realized I wasn't giving him any information.
"Megin and Joe taught me well. If they hadn't I wouldn't lost all the weight I did!" I was always proud of talking about my weight loss.
"Yes Megin always told me about how great you were doing. I told her once that I thought you'd be great trophy wife material if you didn't fight it so much," I turned to look at him. I realized he thought he was paying me a compliment. Instead I was offended but I wasn't going to let him know or was I?
"So I'm going to try to keep this going. It was nice talking to you. I'll see you next time I'm in here," I put my headset back on and put the volume up higher. I turned to him and smiled and then looked towards the TV.
When I was done my excercise routine I ran down to the locker room and changed into my street clothes. I decided to be trophy wife material the rest of the day. The rest of my day began at Tiffany's where I bought the present and ended in Ann Taylor wehre I bought several pairs of strappy shoes. While at Arden B. I looked myself in the mirror and told myself I was too smart to let myself ever become anyone's trophy wife. The man who saw only that in me would never become my trophy husband!
Update:
So yeah I still don't want to be a trophy wife! What has changed has been my obsession with becoming a size 2. At the moment I fluctuate between a 4 and a 6 and I'm happy. I no longer walk around unhappy because I can't eat the foods I love. I pig out on home made ice cream every time Kevin makes it. I have a small pouch and instead of hating it I have come to terms with it. All the excercise in the world isn't going to change my body type into a body type I am not. I'm curvy that's who I am I've accepted it. I don't go to the gym as often as I used to either. What has brought this incredible change? Tampa did. By the time I got to Tampa I was going to the gym twice a day and doing mad exercises. Yes I lost tons of weight and I was almost at the coveted size 2 but I was miserable. Everytime I accidently forgot to eat one of my 6 meals my blood sugar would go crazy. I hated anyone that could eat real meals. Finally as great as my body was I was still rejected by a man. It's not your body I realized and I changed my attitude.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Good News is I'm not Pregnant
February 17
I've been seeing the same Dr. for five years. He's one of the longest relationships I've been in. He's a great Dr. and I actually enjoy when I go see him. Here's a sentence you've probably never heard before: I have fun when I go see my doctor. Dr. Vladyka and I had a rocky begining but now we're like old friends.
Yesterday I made an emergency appointment with him. It usually takes a week to get an appointment with him but he squeezed me in so I could see him an hour after I called.
"That's a great color combination," he said pointing at my gym clothes. Oh I forgot to mentionTodd Vladyka, DO a man of Russian descent and a great sense of style is also gay.
"Thanks, I like to call this ensemble my gym clothes," I smiled at him.
"You're going to the gym?"
"Like my new religion," I giggled at him.
"You don't look sick and you're a month early for your annual check-up," he looked at my medical chart.
I began explaining to him the reason that I was in to see him. He looked at me and listened and shook his head at the right moments. My hands were trembling as I spoke to him and I fought for my voice not to crack. The emotions of a week had been building up and threatening to escape from me.
"Are you pregnant?" he asked when I finally finished speaking.
I laughed as I told him, " you need to check that chart that you're holding."
"Yes I remember but it could be a possiblity," he explained to me.
"I thought you'd want me to take a pregnancy test but I just had to protest otherwise it wouldn't be me," I sighed.
"Yes that's in my chart too," he thumbed through it and winked at me.
"Give me the cup,"I reached my hand towards him as he went into the cupboard to take the specimen cup out.
"Do you remember where the bathroom is?"
"I've only done this every time you think I might be pregnant. Even though you know I never am," I mumbled under my breath.
"Good there you are come into the lab with that," he motioned me to the room thre doors down from the bathroom as I went into the hall.
"This is disgusting," I said looking into the cup.
"Here are the strips put that in the sink and we'll get this done," he said showing me where the sink was.
"Can I do it?' I asked enthustiastically.
"Do you know how to do it?"
"Stick the strip in the speciment not past the blue stripe give it 60 seconds for it to tell me if I'm with child or not," I said smuggly.
"Nursing school make you this smug?" he lifted an eyebrow at me.
"Only as much as Medical School made you smug, " I winked at him.
"There you go one line answer, " he said pointing to the strip.
"Surprise, surprise it's negative," I rolled my eyes. I knew that it would be but a part of me wanted it to be positive. It was silly because I knew that it was impossible.
"So we're going to do some blood test and I'll prescribe something to make you feel a bit better," he took out his prescription pad as we walked back to the medical suite.
"Now next month when you come in for your annual we'll get you on birth control and I'll give you a referral to the specialist so you can talk to her about children. It's not impossible if you really want to have them someday. I know that you're not at that place yet but someday you wil and we might as well get you ready now," he explained.
"i've always wanted them," I bit my lip. Suddenly not having the option I realized that I had always wanted them. When it was an optiion that I thought could be possible in the future I never even thought of it.
"I have faith that you'll fix me when the day comes that I truly want children. Even if it means that I have to adopt I know you'll help me the dream become a reality," I hugged him and snatched the prescriptions from his hand.
"You've always loved the drugs," he laughed.
"I didn't start loving them until you starting prescribing them," I smiled at him and then winked before walking out the room.
"See you in a month," he told me before I opened the door out of the office. I smiled to myself it was good to know that the person that held the keys to making my dreams come true was also my friend.
Update:
I took another pee test recently and this one came out positive. Positive for blood and for protein. It wasn't a pregnancy test it was to see if I had a UTI. Like clock work of course my Dr. began freaking out and had me take a million test that I should have known would come out negative. The thing is sometimes when he gets going he gets me worried and I go along with him. I think it's wonderful that my doctor is a drama queen!
I've been seeing the same Dr. for five years. He's one of the longest relationships I've been in. He's a great Dr. and I actually enjoy when I go see him. Here's a sentence you've probably never heard before: I have fun when I go see my doctor. Dr. Vladyka and I had a rocky begining but now we're like old friends.
Yesterday I made an emergency appointment with him. It usually takes a week to get an appointment with him but he squeezed me in so I could see him an hour after I called.
"That's a great color combination," he said pointing at my gym clothes. Oh I forgot to mentionTodd Vladyka, DO a man of Russian descent and a great sense of style is also gay.
"Thanks, I like to call this ensemble my gym clothes," I smiled at him.
"You're going to the gym?"
"Like my new religion," I giggled at him.
"You don't look sick and you're a month early for your annual check-up," he looked at my medical chart.
I began explaining to him the reason that I was in to see him. He looked at me and listened and shook his head at the right moments. My hands were trembling as I spoke to him and I fought for my voice not to crack. The emotions of a week had been building up and threatening to escape from me.
"Are you pregnant?" he asked when I finally finished speaking.
I laughed as I told him, " you need to check that chart that you're holding."
"Yes I remember but it could be a possiblity," he explained to me.
"I thought you'd want me to take a pregnancy test but I just had to protest otherwise it wouldn't be me," I sighed.
"Yes that's in my chart too," he thumbed through it and winked at me.
"Give me the cup,"I reached my hand towards him as he went into the cupboard to take the specimen cup out.
"Do you remember where the bathroom is?"
"I've only done this every time you think I might be pregnant. Even though you know I never am," I mumbled under my breath.
"Good there you are come into the lab with that," he motioned me to the room thre doors down from the bathroom as I went into the hall.
"This is disgusting," I said looking into the cup.
"Here are the strips put that in the sink and we'll get this done," he said showing me where the sink was.
"Can I do it?' I asked enthustiastically.
"Do you know how to do it?"
"Stick the strip in the speciment not past the blue stripe give it 60 seconds for it to tell me if I'm with child or not," I said smuggly.
"Nursing school make you this smug?" he lifted an eyebrow at me.
"Only as much as Medical School made you smug, " I winked at him.
"There you go one line answer, " he said pointing to the strip.
"Surprise, surprise it's negative," I rolled my eyes. I knew that it would be but a part of me wanted it to be positive. It was silly because I knew that it was impossible.
"So we're going to do some blood test and I'll prescribe something to make you feel a bit better," he took out his prescription pad as we walked back to the medical suite.
"Now next month when you come in for your annual we'll get you on birth control and I'll give you a referral to the specialist so you can talk to her about children. It's not impossible if you really want to have them someday. I know that you're not at that place yet but someday you wil and we might as well get you ready now," he explained.
"i've always wanted them," I bit my lip. Suddenly not having the option I realized that I had always wanted them. When it was an optiion that I thought could be possible in the future I never even thought of it.
"I have faith that you'll fix me when the day comes that I truly want children. Even if it means that I have to adopt I know you'll help me the dream become a reality," I hugged him and snatched the prescriptions from his hand.
"You've always loved the drugs," he laughed.
"I didn't start loving them until you starting prescribing them," I smiled at him and then winked before walking out the room.
"See you in a month," he told me before I opened the door out of the office. I smiled to myself it was good to know that the person that held the keys to making my dreams come true was also my friend.
Update:
I took another pee test recently and this one came out positive. Positive for blood and for protein. It wasn't a pregnancy test it was to see if I had a UTI. Like clock work of course my Dr. began freaking out and had me take a million test that I should have known would come out negative. The thing is sometimes when he gets going he gets me worried and I go along with him. I think it's wonderful that my doctor is a drama queen!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Confessions of a lip whore
December 12, 2005
Airports:
I was flipping through channels and stopped on HBO showing Love Actually. At the end Hugh Grant has a monologue about airports and kissing. That got me thinking and it dawned on me the last three guys I've kissed have kissed me in the airport at least once.
It all started with Bill. His real name is not Bill but I've always thought he looks like a Bill. When I used to have dreams of him I called him Bill. Bill and I have been friends for a long time and at some point we became kissing friends. Bill was visiting town and I went to hang out with him for a bit and we ended up kissing. My one day visit ended up being a three day visit with him. I dropped him off at the airport when he left and I found myself kissing him right there. I've never been a PDA person but for some reason I was all about it that day. Our good-bye kiss was full of lust and confusion. It was the best last kiss I ever gave some one.
Then there was Ken. This is his real name. Ken and I were co-workers for four years before we started dating. he was a great marriage candidate in writing. Ken was a doctor and was in the reserves for the Air Force. I soon realized that even though he was 12 years older then me I was more mature. Ken got called to Iraq. I still have the clipping of us kissing good-bye. This too was a last kiss. I think both Ken and I realized that we were mutually breaking up that day as he got on that plane to Iraq. Soon after someone told me he had gotten a girl in his team pregnant. I was happy for them!
Joe has also gotten an airport kiss. Joe has gotten several airport kisses. He's the only one that hasn't been a last kiss. These kisses are filled with whatever emotion we're feeling that day. Once we were angry at each other and the kiss was filled with resentment. When he left to school I was estatic for him but he was nervous making it an awkward kiss. The last airport kiss was a sweet and gentle kiss since we knew that we would be seeing each other very soon.
I've come to realize in my 13 years of kissing that kisses are like people each one is unique. There have been kisses that I have forgotten and there are kisses that are forever in my memory. My first kiss is a pefect example of kisses I shan't foget. I can remember my first kiss with every guy I've kissed. Someone once asked me if that wasn't a lot of kisses to remember. I responded that kisses are like friends you can never have enough of them and I'm a friendly person. I hope that someday I can be eternally monogomous in my kissing but until then I will continue filling my memories with moments and feeling evoked by someone kissing me.
Update:
I hate airports but most of all I hate Amtrak and Amtrak stations. How did this happen? You can blame it on Bill. Let's remember that Bill isn't his real name but now a days I'm not even calling him Bill I call him Voldermort (he who won't be mentioned). Our last kiss was a good night kiss and also a good-bye kiss. It was in my home but the reason I made it a good bye kiss was for all the things he did to me while on an Amtrak tain. I saw him to the airport but only because I believed it to be the polite thing to do. Neither of us attempted a kiss there. I didn't do it because I felt I'd throw up if I did kiss him. It is sad that such a long friendship would come to such a screeching halt but that is life. Some day I will be able to have completly forgiven Voldermort but for now I believe that the further away we are from one another and the least amount of contact the better. So there comes the end of Airport kissing for me
Airports:
I was flipping through channels and stopped on HBO showing Love Actually. At the end Hugh Grant has a monologue about airports and kissing. That got me thinking and it dawned on me the last three guys I've kissed have kissed me in the airport at least once.
It all started with Bill. His real name is not Bill but I've always thought he looks like a Bill. When I used to have dreams of him I called him Bill. Bill and I have been friends for a long time and at some point we became kissing friends. Bill was visiting town and I went to hang out with him for a bit and we ended up kissing. My one day visit ended up being a three day visit with him. I dropped him off at the airport when he left and I found myself kissing him right there. I've never been a PDA person but for some reason I was all about it that day. Our good-bye kiss was full of lust and confusion. It was the best last kiss I ever gave some one.
Then there was Ken. This is his real name. Ken and I were co-workers for four years before we started dating. he was a great marriage candidate in writing. Ken was a doctor and was in the reserves for the Air Force. I soon realized that even though he was 12 years older then me I was more mature. Ken got called to Iraq. I still have the clipping of us kissing good-bye. This too was a last kiss. I think both Ken and I realized that we were mutually breaking up that day as he got on that plane to Iraq. Soon after someone told me he had gotten a girl in his team pregnant. I was happy for them!
Joe has also gotten an airport kiss. Joe has gotten several airport kisses. He's the only one that hasn't been a last kiss. These kisses are filled with whatever emotion we're feeling that day. Once we were angry at each other and the kiss was filled with resentment. When he left to school I was estatic for him but he was nervous making it an awkward kiss. The last airport kiss was a sweet and gentle kiss since we knew that we would be seeing each other very soon.
I've come to realize in my 13 years of kissing that kisses are like people each one is unique. There have been kisses that I have forgotten and there are kisses that are forever in my memory. My first kiss is a pefect example of kisses I shan't foget. I can remember my first kiss with every guy I've kissed. Someone once asked me if that wasn't a lot of kisses to remember. I responded that kisses are like friends you can never have enough of them and I'm a friendly person. I hope that someday I can be eternally monogomous in my kissing but until then I will continue filling my memories with moments and feeling evoked by someone kissing me.
Update:
I hate airports but most of all I hate Amtrak and Amtrak stations. How did this happen? You can blame it on Bill. Let's remember that Bill isn't his real name but now a days I'm not even calling him Bill I call him Voldermort (he who won't be mentioned). Our last kiss was a good night kiss and also a good-bye kiss. It was in my home but the reason I made it a good bye kiss was for all the things he did to me while on an Amtrak tain. I saw him to the airport but only because I believed it to be the polite thing to do. Neither of us attempted a kiss there. I didn't do it because I felt I'd throw up if I did kiss him. It is sad that such a long friendship would come to such a screeching halt but that is life. Some day I will be able to have completly forgiven Voldermort but for now I believe that the further away we are from one another and the least amount of contact the better. So there comes the end of Airport kissing for me
Flat is Better
November 06 2005
Yeah I know what all you dirty minds are thinking but that's not what I was talking about!
SEPTA (Phillies public trans.) is on strike again. I have a bike but I haven't ridden since high school and I never rode in a big city before. I almost got killed on the way home Friday. I was going downhill on the bike going too fast. A car tapped me bad, if he hadn't breaked and I hadn't breaked when we did I would not be alive. I called my boss crying and scared, he told me to come to his house.
I'm staying at his house until the stirke is over.
The phone rang I turned over it wasn't on the night stand. I picked up the pillows and found the phone. It was only 10:30. I picked up but I was not happy. When I had done with the conversation I put on my pajamas and left the room. I felt myself still shaky from the day before.
"Morning!" Howell said.
"I'm not a morning person sorry someone woke me up!" I yawned. I looked into the pantry and decided to make pancakes.
"Do you want chocolate chip pancakes?'
"Farina" I didn't want Farina but I wasn't going to make two breakfasts.
"Left over Challah should I make Challah french toast," I yawned again.
"with the Farina should be good," Howell looked at me. I knew that he noticed that I was a mess and that I was still shocken up from the night before.
Within ten minutes the two of us had made breakfast and set the table. We both read the newspaper as we ate breakfast we often commented on our articles and made several grunts to one another.
We cleaned up when we were done breakfast and as quick as we made it we cleaned up after ourselves. I'm going to finish wrapping the Christmas presents would you be offended if I did the yard today?"
"No,'" he answered walking to his office,
I cried to myself as I wrapped gifts. I hit the shower when the last of the 50 gifts for my clients was packed. Instead of showering and getting dressed, I showered and put my gym clothes on. The rest of the day I raked I plowed picked every leaf out of the 1 acre house. Suddenly I realized I was happy I was tired and mosst of all my frustrations were gone, as I packed the five 40 gallon bag of leaves.
It was 5 hrs of hard work later when I walked in to my new glass home. As I went to my room to change Howell came back in from a long day of trying to find peopwl to invest money in our agency.
"Dinner?"
"I was about to change and rummage for it!" I headed to the wing with the rooms.
When I came back out I was told to get my coat we were to eat dinner out. I realized how a hard days work had made me tired and able to forget my near death experience. I was happy again.
Yeah I know what all you dirty minds are thinking but that's not what I was talking about!
SEPTA (Phillies public trans.) is on strike again. I have a bike but I haven't ridden since high school and I never rode in a big city before. I almost got killed on the way home Friday. I was going downhill on the bike going too fast. A car tapped me bad, if he hadn't breaked and I hadn't breaked when we did I would not be alive. I called my boss crying and scared, he told me to come to his house.
I'm staying at his house until the stirke is over.
The phone rang I turned over it wasn't on the night stand. I picked up the pillows and found the phone. It was only 10:30. I picked up but I was not happy. When I had done with the conversation I put on my pajamas and left the room. I felt myself still shaky from the day before.
"Morning!" Howell said.
"I'm not a morning person sorry someone woke me up!" I yawned. I looked into the pantry and decided to make pancakes.
"Do you want chocolate chip pancakes?'
"Farina" I didn't want Farina but I wasn't going to make two breakfasts.
"Left over Challah should I make Challah french toast," I yawned again.
"with the Farina should be good," Howell looked at me. I knew that he noticed that I was a mess and that I was still shocken up from the night before.
Within ten minutes the two of us had made breakfast and set the table. We both read the newspaper as we ate breakfast we often commented on our articles and made several grunts to one another.
We cleaned up when we were done breakfast and as quick as we made it we cleaned up after ourselves. I'm going to finish wrapping the Christmas presents would you be offended if I did the yard today?"
"No,'" he answered walking to his office,
I cried to myself as I wrapped gifts. I hit the shower when the last of the 50 gifts for my clients was packed. Instead of showering and getting dressed, I showered and put my gym clothes on. The rest of the day I raked I plowed picked every leaf out of the 1 acre house. Suddenly I realized I was happy I was tired and mosst of all my frustrations were gone, as I packed the five 40 gallon bag of leaves.
It was 5 hrs of hard work later when I walked in to my new glass home. As I went to my room to change Howell came back in from a long day of trying to find peopwl to invest money in our agency.
"Dinner?"
"I was about to change and rummage for it!" I headed to the wing with the rooms.
When I came back out I was told to get my coat we were to eat dinner out. I realized how a hard days work had made me tired and able to forget my near death experience. I was happy again.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Tears of Love
The car's headlights were on so I could take a picture of the two of them. The rain made it hard to see what we were doing. We had stood out in the rain for twenty minutes just standing there no one willing to say good-bye. The only thing we could do to not speak yet justify our standing in the rain getting drenched was continue hugging one another.
"You'll be here when I come back in two years... Actually I expect if nothing at least a wedding invitation from you,'' he pointed at me. "You," he pointed at Andrea now, "you'll be here!" they hugged once more.
I tilted my head and looked at the person standing away from the three of us. Ryan had called me at least three times before Andrea had come to my apartment to stay the weekend. He wanted to make sure that he saw her before he left. Saturday night/ Sunday morning flashed through my memories.
"I'm not standing out there in the middle of the ghetto to wait for anyone. I love Ryan but a lady doesn't stand in the corner especially for a man," we both rolled our eyes at the thought.
We both jumped out of the car when we saw his sedan. We all hugged and ten minutes later we were headed back to University City to eat at Marathon Grill. The waiter thought we were high. We didn't smell of alchohol so we had to have been high the way we giggled the way we laughed the way our jokes only made sense to the three of us. "Do you want to sleep over at my place?" I asked naturally after Andrea and I wrestled him for the bill and lost. "How can we pay you back for dinner?" Andrea winked at him.
"You can wait for me till I come back," he winked back.
Everyone was fighting the need to sleep that nagged at us like a mom who refused to be ignored when we arrived to my apartment. We finally went to bed at 4 but by 8 Andrea and I were talking. I refused to let her sleep I hadn't seen her in two weeks and we were dancing then we hadn't talked like we had done before in three months. We giggled as we stood in my kitchen looking at him sleep on my living room floor. We stared at him till he woke up. Soy milk and Chex was breakfast.
We still stood in the rain trying to find an excuse to stay with one another just a few minutes longer. We talked about eating once more but what could be opened so late? I looked at the lonesome figure by the gate and knew that it was too late to eat. I was the same size as my skinny friends only because of that figure and I knew that dinner at 10 was not something that we should do but if that's what we had to do to stay together just a few more minutes... We kept staring at each other everyone deciding how to stay together just a little longer. One more group hug and finally one of us was brave enough to say it.
"I have to go before I start crying," he began walking backwards towards his car after he said it. There was water running down my cheeks and it wasn't the rain.
"Don't!" Andrea yelled.
"I"m not," I yelled back.
"If you start crying I'll cry too," it was to late there was tears rolling down her cheeks now.
Ryan's car had already left the parking lot. We got in the car she and I yelling at one another that we weren't going to cry. The more we said it the more we cried. Two years before the person who gave us the best memories for the last year would return to us. No where to park for anyone when we got to my block. The hazards were put on. The car behind us went past us when he knew that we were safely home. Andrea and I got all her stuff in the living room as we both kept denying the fact that we were crying.
"I'll come visit soon," were her last words with her duffle bag and five shopping bags in her hands.
For the first time in three days I went in to a completly empty apartment to shed my first tears not of anger or frustration but of love
"You'll be here when I come back in two years... Actually I expect if nothing at least a wedding invitation from you,'' he pointed at me. "You," he pointed at Andrea now, "you'll be here!" they hugged once more.
I tilted my head and looked at the person standing away from the three of us. Ryan had called me at least three times before Andrea had come to my apartment to stay the weekend. He wanted to make sure that he saw her before he left. Saturday night/ Sunday morning flashed through my memories.
"I'm not standing out there in the middle of the ghetto to wait for anyone. I love Ryan but a lady doesn't stand in the corner especially for a man," we both rolled our eyes at the thought.
We both jumped out of the car when we saw his sedan. We all hugged and ten minutes later we were headed back to University City to eat at Marathon Grill. The waiter thought we were high. We didn't smell of alchohol so we had to have been high the way we giggled the way we laughed the way our jokes only made sense to the three of us. "Do you want to sleep over at my place?" I asked naturally after Andrea and I wrestled him for the bill and lost. "How can we pay you back for dinner?" Andrea winked at him.
"You can wait for me till I come back," he winked back.
Everyone was fighting the need to sleep that nagged at us like a mom who refused to be ignored when we arrived to my apartment. We finally went to bed at 4 but by 8 Andrea and I were talking. I refused to let her sleep I hadn't seen her in two weeks and we were dancing then we hadn't talked like we had done before in three months. We giggled as we stood in my kitchen looking at him sleep on my living room floor. We stared at him till he woke up. Soy milk and Chex was breakfast.
We still stood in the rain trying to find an excuse to stay with one another just a few minutes longer. We talked about eating once more but what could be opened so late? I looked at the lonesome figure by the gate and knew that it was too late to eat. I was the same size as my skinny friends only because of that figure and I knew that dinner at 10 was not something that we should do but if that's what we had to do to stay together just a few more minutes... We kept staring at each other everyone deciding how to stay together just a little longer. One more group hug and finally one of us was brave enough to say it.
"I have to go before I start crying," he began walking backwards towards his car after he said it. There was water running down my cheeks and it wasn't the rain.
"Don't!" Andrea yelled.
"I"m not," I yelled back.
"If you start crying I'll cry too," it was to late there was tears rolling down her cheeks now.
Ryan's car had already left the parking lot. We got in the car she and I yelling at one another that we weren't going to cry. The more we said it the more we cried. Two years before the person who gave us the best memories for the last year would return to us. No where to park for anyone when we got to my block. The hazards were put on. The car behind us went past us when he knew that we were safely home. Andrea and I got all her stuff in the living room as we both kept denying the fact that we were crying.
"I'll come visit soon," were her last words with her duffle bag and five shopping bags in her hands.
For the first time in three days I went in to a completly empty apartment to shed my first tears not of anger or frustration but of love
Memories
This winter I had a very scary experience. I went out running before work and I didn't warm up. In the middle of my run I felt my left knee buckle it hurt so bad that I limped my way back home. That was on Wednesday; thinking that it was a sprain I waited until Sunday night to head to the ER. I had a torn medial meniscus which basically means I tore into the disc that keeps my tibia rubbing on my knee cap. Later on after an MRI we also found out that I had sprained the Medial Collateral Ligament. The website below details some of the things that I have had to go through to heal from my injury.
http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/cybertherapist/front/knee/medialmeniscus.htm
In order for me to be able to deal with the pain my knee doctor gave me pain meds and then shot me up with Steroids directly to the knee. Those of you that know me know I hate needles so it wasn't pretty getting those shots. The 'roids did wonders for me. I was able to go back to a half normal life where I couldn't excercise much, or go up and down stairs if I could help it. The good doc forgot to mention the fact that the 'roids make you gain weight and weight I gained. Without realizing it I gained 30 lbs.
A month ago when my 'fat jeans' (if you're a girl you know what I'm talking about) didn't zip up I threw a hissy fit. Seven hours later I found myself signing a contract for Bally's and paying for a personal trainer.
Joe is my personal trainer who has become my new best friend. Even Emily has to agree that a man that makes you lose 10lbs in a month dethrowns your best friend as the most special person in your life at the moment. I love Joe. I love how he tells me I'm going to be swim suit magazine material. I love how he screams at me to get my butt in gear when I've cheated on my diet or excercise routine. I love how he looks into my eyes with his big brown eyes with those large curly eyelashes and tells me 'this is a life style change that will make you happy and proud of yourself'. I love that no matter what he always compliments me and tells me I'm doing great; he's my personal trainer and yes I know that's why I pay him but I've seen other personal trainers and they're not that nice.
Unfortunately not all the weight loss and not all the compliments Joe gives me saves me from my memories. Today after 45 min. at the gym I walked home bouncing my short curly hair. I was about half a mile away from home walking up hill when it happened. There was a guy going into one of the Penn Housing Apts. he was wearing Cool Water and there the memories kicked in.: Josh hugging me;Josh telling me he loved me; Josh letting me cry on his shoulder and then Josh not showing up to his birthday party; Josh telling me he wanted nothing to do with me which lead to the feelings of being worthless because my best friend (not Emily she wouldn't do this to me EVER) had rejected me. Somehow that memory of rejection lead to my remembering Fourth of July 2004: I was being hugged by Bill (names changed to protect the not so innocent maybe even guilty) he hadn't shaved and as he was about to kiss me he rubbed his face on mine and then we kissed. Memories of us kissing on the couch, the living room floor, his bedroom, the pool all came back too. Now Josh and Bill were so different and yet in my mind I seemed to hold them in the same light. The only difference being that instead of waiting for Bill to reject me I rejected his friendship two months ago. He didn't seem to care that I did it but I hurt for doing it and I hope that if Bill ever reads this he understands why I did it and that not all the improvements I make to myself physically to raise my self esteem will erase the fact that I was rejected by someone that was once my world and that I can not have that happen again and that's why I hurt him before he had the opportunity to hurt me. Forgive me!
Update:
Bill forgave me and soon after we mended our friendship. The funny thing was I shouldn't have mended that friendship because in the end on a little trip to Tampa he did break my heart and rejected my friendship. Moral of the lesson is always go with your gut feeling.
http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/cybertherapist/front/knee/medialmeniscus.htm
In order for me to be able to deal with the pain my knee doctor gave me pain meds and then shot me up with Steroids directly to the knee. Those of you that know me know I hate needles so it wasn't pretty getting those shots. The 'roids did wonders for me. I was able to go back to a half normal life where I couldn't excercise much, or go up and down stairs if I could help it. The good doc forgot to mention the fact that the 'roids make you gain weight and weight I gained. Without realizing it I gained 30 lbs.
A month ago when my 'fat jeans' (if you're a girl you know what I'm talking about) didn't zip up I threw a hissy fit. Seven hours later I found myself signing a contract for Bally's and paying for a personal trainer.
Joe is my personal trainer who has become my new best friend. Even Emily has to agree that a man that makes you lose 10lbs in a month dethrowns your best friend as the most special person in your life at the moment. I love Joe. I love how he tells me I'm going to be swim suit magazine material. I love how he screams at me to get my butt in gear when I've cheated on my diet or excercise routine. I love how he looks into my eyes with his big brown eyes with those large curly eyelashes and tells me 'this is a life style change that will make you happy and proud of yourself'. I love that no matter what he always compliments me and tells me I'm doing great; he's my personal trainer and yes I know that's why I pay him but I've seen other personal trainers and they're not that nice.
Unfortunately not all the weight loss and not all the compliments Joe gives me saves me from my memories. Today after 45 min. at the gym I walked home bouncing my short curly hair. I was about half a mile away from home walking up hill when it happened. There was a guy going into one of the Penn Housing Apts. he was wearing Cool Water and there the memories kicked in.: Josh hugging me;Josh telling me he loved me; Josh letting me cry on his shoulder and then Josh not showing up to his birthday party; Josh telling me he wanted nothing to do with me which lead to the feelings of being worthless because my best friend (not Emily she wouldn't do this to me EVER) had rejected me. Somehow that memory of rejection lead to my remembering Fourth of July 2004: I was being hugged by Bill (names changed to protect the not so innocent maybe even guilty) he hadn't shaved and as he was about to kiss me he rubbed his face on mine and then we kissed. Memories of us kissing on the couch, the living room floor, his bedroom, the pool all came back too. Now Josh and Bill were so different and yet in my mind I seemed to hold them in the same light. The only difference being that instead of waiting for Bill to reject me I rejected his friendship two months ago. He didn't seem to care that I did it but I hurt for doing it and I hope that if Bill ever reads this he understands why I did it and that not all the improvements I make to myself physically to raise my self esteem will erase the fact that I was rejected by someone that was once my world and that I can not have that happen again and that's why I hurt him before he had the opportunity to hurt me. Forgive me!
Update:
Bill forgave me and soon after we mended our friendship. The funny thing was I shouldn't have mended that friendship because in the end on a little trip to Tampa he did break my heart and rejected my friendship. Moral of the lesson is always go with your gut feeling.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
ESL
Being that English was my second language and people always made fun of my language skills when I was little I figured I had to speak better then everyone around me. I started by trying to learn proper grammar. I quickly learned to say things like, this is she, when people asked to talk to Lupe on the phone. My second hill to climb was to pronounce things correctly. This was hard growing up in a Spanish speaking home where my mom didn’t speak English and where all my school friends came from immigrant parents. In 6th grade I had this teacher who would poke fun of the students who mispronounced words. By then I was trying to speak without an accent with a vengeance. Finally I had to enlarge my vocabulary. The only way I knew that my vocabulary could grow was through reading. I loved books but my favorite book was a dictionary. Every time I came across an unknown word Mr. Dictionary would come out and I’d learn how to pronounce it and what it meant. By the time I got to high school my friends would pay me money to pretend to be their parents and call the school to say they would be out on days we felt like cutting.
When I grew up and became a social worker the way I spoke became a negative once more. Instead of being accepted by my clients they were very weary of me. When they didn’t think I could hear them they would call me ‘white girl’. Once more I had to learn how to speak to be accepted by those I was serving. I had to learn how to speak ‘ghetto’ or as they would say ‘you just don’t know how to talk black’. The day that I broke was when one of my white clients called me white girl. When I explained to her that I was Hispanic and she was white everyone laughed and said no she’s black. I got it that day it was the willingness to accept them and to be open to them. Once again I had to learn how to speak. Quickly I learned new terminology to understand and to be understood by my clients. I learned that I had to use the same practices I used when I was younger when I learn a new word I have to immediately start using it. Yesterday a new word was given to me by a friend: Benefitship.
Benefitship: A particular type of connection existing between people to help or aide one another sexually.
Now come on people we’ve all been in them! We have different names for them but we’ve all had one before. You know that friend when you need some loving without any of the commitment. I recently got out of one myself. He was once a friend who turned to a benefit and then turned to someone who made me detest myself. So what do you do when you end a benefitship? You learn to live without it and when you can’t handle it you find someone to snuggle with while watching MIB, after sitting in the hot tub for awhile. Is there a word for benefits without a relationship?
When I grew up and became a social worker the way I spoke became a negative once more. Instead of being accepted by my clients they were very weary of me. When they didn’t think I could hear them they would call me ‘white girl’. Once more I had to learn how to speak to be accepted by those I was serving. I had to learn how to speak ‘ghetto’ or as they would say ‘you just don’t know how to talk black’. The day that I broke was when one of my white clients called me white girl. When I explained to her that I was Hispanic and she was white everyone laughed and said no she’s black. I got it that day it was the willingness to accept them and to be open to them. Once again I had to learn how to speak. Quickly I learned new terminology to understand and to be understood by my clients. I learned that I had to use the same practices I used when I was younger when I learn a new word I have to immediately start using it. Yesterday a new word was given to me by a friend: Benefitship.
Benefitship: A particular type of connection existing between people to help or aide one another sexually.
Now come on people we’ve all been in them! We have different names for them but we’ve all had one before. You know that friend when you need some loving without any of the commitment. I recently got out of one myself. He was once a friend who turned to a benefit and then turned to someone who made me detest myself. So what do you do when you end a benefitship? You learn to live without it and when you can’t handle it you find someone to snuggle with while watching MIB, after sitting in the hot tub for awhile. Is there a word for benefits without a relationship?
Friday, July 14, 2006
New Memory Project
Everytime that you leave someone behind you're told that you need to create new memories where you have old memories with that person. I recenlty let go of someone who meant a lot in my life. The thing is everything had memories so how do you create new memories out of everything? I started by getting rid of anything that brought strong emotions. Then everytime something brought a memory I put on my list of places or things I needed to make a new memory with.
Last night I was invited to go to the Mann Center and since I had an old strong memory of this person there I jumped on the opportunity to create new memories. For those of you not from Philly the Mann Center is an Open Theater for the Arts. The really good seats and the stage are the only thing that have a roof and the only walls are those on the stage. It's only open in the Summer but it's a fun place to go. Having memories of when I used to have a crush on Valdemort (this will be his name from hence forth b/c he is he that will not be mentioned) at the Mann I knew it was important to make new memories there. Last night was amazing! I heard two concerti one by Brahams and the other by Bethoven. Looking at the booklet we saw that tonight they were going to have a Buggs Bunny musical and we all knew we wanted to go!
This is where all the knew memories began. Thursday night was amazing and I had memories of going with friends and pretending to be fashion police but tonight was something to erase anything off of the map. We ate dinner in the picnic area of the Mann and then snuck to the $80 seats when we bought tickets for the $30 seats... sneaky we are. They began playing classics from Bugs Bunny but not the cartoons yet and then I felt it, I can never forget it... PLOP right on my head. I looked up to figure out where the drop of water came from but there was pressure on my head this wasn't a rain drop... I didn't dare touch my hair.
"Kevin? I just got shit on didn't I?"
Kevin's reply "Yup," as he surpressed a laugh.
"Tissue?"
"Just go to the bathroom and clean it up," this time he did laugh.
I just took my mirror and my emergency Kleenex out and cleaned my hair I didn't want to miss any of the concert. When I was done cleaning up I concentrated on the concert. Then I heard the PLOP again but this time I didn't feel anything drop on me. I turned to look at Kevin with a smile on my face but Kevin wasn't smiling back.
"Ok that's it I'm moving," I announced as I got up from my seat. Everyone laughed but everyone followed as I got us better seats in the center of the theater.
Watching Bugs Bunny on the big screen as the music was played by a live Orchestra was amazing. Eating on the lawn an hour before the concert was great. The fireworks that they had afterwards were spectacular! But how many people do you know that can say they got shit on at the Orchestra? Well besides the couple that took our seats afterwards. New memories I think I did a good job!
Last night I was invited to go to the Mann Center and since I had an old strong memory of this person there I jumped on the opportunity to create new memories. For those of you not from Philly the Mann Center is an Open Theater for the Arts. The really good seats and the stage are the only thing that have a roof and the only walls are those on the stage. It's only open in the Summer but it's a fun place to go. Having memories of when I used to have a crush on Valdemort (this will be his name from hence forth b/c he is he that will not be mentioned) at the Mann I knew it was important to make new memories there. Last night was amazing! I heard two concerti one by Brahams and the other by Bethoven. Looking at the booklet we saw that tonight they were going to have a Buggs Bunny musical and we all knew we wanted to go!
This is where all the knew memories began. Thursday night was amazing and I had memories of going with friends and pretending to be fashion police but tonight was something to erase anything off of the map. We ate dinner in the picnic area of the Mann and then snuck to the $80 seats when we bought tickets for the $30 seats... sneaky we are. They began playing classics from Bugs Bunny but not the cartoons yet and then I felt it, I can never forget it... PLOP right on my head. I looked up to figure out where the drop of water came from but there was pressure on my head this wasn't a rain drop... I didn't dare touch my hair.
"Kevin? I just got shit on didn't I?"
Kevin's reply "Yup," as he surpressed a laugh.
"Tissue?"
"Just go to the bathroom and clean it up," this time he did laugh.
I just took my mirror and my emergency Kleenex out and cleaned my hair I didn't want to miss any of the concert. When I was done cleaning up I concentrated on the concert. Then I heard the PLOP again but this time I didn't feel anything drop on me. I turned to look at Kevin with a smile on my face but Kevin wasn't smiling back.
"Ok that's it I'm moving," I announced as I got up from my seat. Everyone laughed but everyone followed as I got us better seats in the center of the theater.
Watching Bugs Bunny on the big screen as the music was played by a live Orchestra was amazing. Eating on the lawn an hour before the concert was great. The fireworks that they had afterwards were spectacular! But how many people do you know that can say they got shit on at the Orchestra? Well besides the couple that took our seats afterwards. New memories I think I did a good job!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The Betrayal
With his rusted knife
He stabbed her,
He wounded her.
With her hands
She covered herself
In shame,
Until she saw her hands,
She saw her bloody hands.
She looked towards him
As she cried in pain.
His back was turned
from her.
She looked at herself
As each wound bled.
She despaired as each puncture
Infested itself with hatred.
My heart,
She cried,
Holds no hope.
She cried to the man,
The man who turned his back on her,
When all she had offered,
Was her love
He stabbed her,
He wounded her.
With her hands
She covered herself
In shame,
Until she saw her hands,
She saw her bloody hands.
She looked towards him
As she cried in pain.
His back was turned
from her.
She looked at herself
As each wound bled.
She despaired as each puncture
Infested itself with hatred.
My heart,
She cried,
Holds no hope.
She cried to the man,
The man who turned his back on her,
When all she had offered,
Was her love
Monday, July 03, 2006
What Hurts The Most
I'm a city girl who's learned to love certain country singers. My best friend introduced me to Rascal Flatts a few years back and when their new CD came out I was excited little did I know how close to home this song would hit:
"WHAT HURTS THE MOST" by: Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then, and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone, still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm okay but that's now what gets me
(CHORUS):
What hurts the most, was bein' so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was trin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you
Everywhere I go, but I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed
Livin' with this regret, but I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved
In my heart, that I left unspoken
(CHORUS)Is what I was tryin' to do
(CHORUS)Is what I was tryin' to do
"WHAT HURTS THE MOST" by: Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then, and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone, still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm okay but that's now what gets me
(CHORUS):
What hurts the most, was bein' so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was trin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you
Everywhere I go, but I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed
Livin' with this regret, but I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved
In my heart, that I left unspoken
(CHORUS)Is what I was tryin' to do
(CHORUS)Is what I was tryin' to do
Saturday, July 01, 2006
The only reason Iowa rocks
I'm in love! If you know me you know that this doesn't happen very easily or very often. I'm very picky of who I let into my heart. There have been too many heart breaks so now I'm cautious but none the less I've fallen in love.
How does a girl that has grown up in big cities all her life fall for a boy from a small town close to Des Moines Iowa? It began with his eyes. They were big and brown and oozed out something that told me I could trust him. Then there were his lips. They were small but perfectly shaped so that I knew that a kiss from him would be something I would melt from.Then there his boyish looks... His boyish looks I could go on forever. I could see his chiseled chest and the six pack that lay underneath what he wore but when I finally saw him w/o a shirt I was still left speechless.
Damn that Louis Lane!Damn that Kate Bosworth! Superman or that is Brandon Routh,I'd become a fair maiden in distress any day if it insured me just one touch from him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
A Lazy Afternoon....
|
|||||||||||
 |
|||||||||||