Things my boss says : looking at a house to buy

"If we get some kind of lung disease you'll know where it came from just give us some Diflucan"

Things my boss says : jeggings

"You wouldn't be so cold if you were wearing real pants"


for those of you that don't know what jeggings are they're jean leggings.

Things not to say to: a dentist

So are you a real doctor or just a dentist?
A co-worker in the dental department heard a patient ask that to one of our dentist.

Things my boss says: about my mom's opinion

Situation:
My mom and I had gotten into a huge fight about how I behave in public and called me pretentious. I was really upset and wondering if it was true.
Set up:
Me: Boss(called him by his name), my mom (said her name) got mad because she says I was being pretentious...
The quote:
I don't see being pretentious as being a problem unless being better than someone is a problem.

Things my boss says: when the restaurant wait is too long

So I recently realized how hilarious the random things my boss says are so I'm starting a things my boss says part to my blog.
 Situation:
Day after Christmas laziness has set in on the Diaz/Strauss household no one wants to cook but we're all hungry. We head to Olive Garden where there's no where to park. I get dropped off at the restaurant to get our names on the list and my boss goes and parks the car. When I give my name they tell me it's a 25-30 min wait. I don't like this but I can't veto where we're eating either. I sit down and wait for my boss to come in or the buzzer to go off. I'm sitting down reading in a huge crowd of other people sitting down waiting to be called. My boss walks in and I wave him over to tell him how long the wait is. He tells me we'll find somewhere else to eat. I return the buzzer and we head out.
The set up:
Me: "I figured you'd be too hungry to wait that long."
Him: "Yeah I'm hungry but that wasn't the problem."
Me : (Look at him as if to say what was the problem)

The Quote: I wasn't going to sit near those people to wait for a table.

Things not to say to: A cop

Things not to say to: a cop: "If you have a problem call the cops then"

Let's back up 2 years ago to begin this story. I had been living in my apartment for a year at this point and I had few if any complaints about my neighbors. My next door neighbors were a cop and his wife a hairdresser with two of their six kids still living at home. I live in an old Victorian home made into 4 apartments. The people living in the building weren't my best friends but I had no real complaints. 

One Saturday morning I woke up at 7a.m. because one  of the other tenants in the building was playing her music so loudly that not only could I hear it in my apartment but it was shaking some of the paintings on my wall. I went to her apartment to knock the door and she refused to open it. I wen back to apartment and she was still playing her music so I started banging on our adjoining wall. She started cursing. I got up wrote a nasty gram and left it at her door grabbed my stuff and went to sleep at my mom's. A few days later she left me a 4 page letter telling me I thought I was a princess and how I was rude and then threatened me. My landlord/boss told me to let it go and there began a 2 year spiteful relationship between the two of us. 

She had loud parties for sports games, invited her friends and had loud parties at 2 or 3 in the morning, and of course continued the loud music playing. I spent less and less time at home. At first I thought maybe it was just me that had issues with her but one day this summer as I was weeding out the garden the neighbors came up to me and began to complain about loud neighbor. Nothing could be done since my landlord/boss saw no issues with it really. 

Cue in two months ago. I'm dead asleep and I get woken up by the loud screaming of a woman. I'm scared and confused while I hear the screaming and the fighting going outside of my bedroom window. I realize loud neighbor lady and her live in girlfriend are having a fight. It seems from the screaming that their has been some major domestic violence going on for months and I wasn't even aware of it. Then it got really scary the girlfriend started yelling for help. I was so tired and still in that just woke up stupor that I couldn't find my phone couldn't figure out how to take off my mouth guard and by the time that I could figure it out the live in girlfriend had gotten in her car and drove off. I e-mailed my landlord/boss to let him know and to complain. The neighbors later told me they saw the whole thing.

My landlord/boss got his people to look into loud neighbor girl and a few interesting things popped up. Seems loud neighbor lady hadn't paid rent in MONTHS. Seems the neighbors had called the cops on her a few times already and so began trying to evict her but it wasn't going to be an easy process. I had to put up with her for a few months. Then last month it just seemed that my boss had lost the will to evict her. Meanwhile it was just getting louder and louder later and later in the night. 

I spent Christmas weekend at my mom and boss' house and had a great time. The thing about spending so much time with a parent is that it's hard not to get annoyed so Christmas night after dinner I asked my boss to drive me home. Went to sleep as soon as I got home I was so tired. 2:30 a.m. I got woken up by car doors slamming and loud neighbor lady and about 16 of her closest friends coming in and out of her apartment. Half of them where in the building and the other half were in the driveway. 

Here's where the title comes in. So the half that was out in the driveway was really loud screaming obscenities at one another. I hear someone say something softly which sounded like a request for the noise to go down. I hear someone say: "If you have a problem call the cops then".

I hear the reply "I am the cops" and then some mumbling from the person who said that. I popped out of my bed and giggled. Oh they stepped on it not realizing the neighbor was a cop. I silently thanked cop neighbor and went back to sleep thinking just another day of lousy neighbors and that it wouldn't lead to anything. 

The next day I woke up and went out to eat breakfast with my mom and my boss and just had a lazy day at their house. My boss took me out to dinner ( a story about that will follow) and during dinner I told him about the neighbor talking to loud neighbor girl's loud friends. He didn't look surprised but he didn't seem happy either. We got in the car full of my Christmas presents and he brought me home. He got out of the car with me and I thought it was to help me take my stuff in but when I open the back of the SUV I don't see him anywhere. I put my things in my house and then I hear HIS voice screaming oh oh. So it seems cop neighbor told my boss/landlord about the whole I am the cops incident and my telling him confirmed what he was afraid of that the noise had woken me up. So he rang loud neighbor girl's doorbell and informed her that she had two choices leave by the end of the month and the fact she doesn't pay her rent will be kept a secret or if she wanted to cause a problem she'd be evicted and our County would inform anyone she tried to rent from that she doesn't pay her rent. So moral of the story if you want to be loud just fine just don't tell the cops to call himself when he asks you to keep it down, he'll call your landlord and inform the whole County on yo' hot mess. 

The storming of the Bastille

This morning as I was putting on my make-up I had to cover up a bruise on my forehead. How does one get a bruise on their forehead? It's not from a fall or an accident. My bruise was caused by pure Tastykake awesomeness. 

Saturday I got up and instead of running around doing errands and cleaning my house I decided to do something purely Philly. I headed to the Eastern State Penitentiary for the reenactment of the storming of the Bastille. 

The block that the prison is in was crowded with people of all kinds. Most of them were already inebriated from the free champagne being given out and the beer that they had purchased. 

There were a few people dressed up in costume but surprisingly not as many as one would think. The few that were did an amazing job. There were some French pirates and one of them had a sign that I'm sorry for touching your booty. Then there were two girls walking around with two heads, they were dressed in peasant clothes. There were a few Marie Antoinette's walking around. After the costume contest they began preparing the crowd for the 'storming'.

They had us sing a few well known French songs followed by the National Anthem and ending with the French National Anthem. Then at the top of the jail's wall Marie Antoinette appeared and so began the festivities. They followed a script and each time someone said 'reign of terror' the crowd would shoot their water guns. Marie Antoinette of course had an army. An army of IMPERIAL STORM TROOPERS!. As the script went on Marie Antoinette said "let them eat Tastykake" note the change from what the real Marie Antoinette supposedly said. As she said this it began raining Tastykakes from the sky. I decided to take pictures and I was so engrossed in that, that I didn't see two of them coming directly at me. Bam I now have a bruise that I didn't realize till last night as I washed my face at night. 

At the end of the little reenactment they beheaded a watermelon and a good time was had by all. This is a must do event if you are in Philly in the summer.

Barbie the average woman and me

If Barbie were a real woman:

Height: 7 ft 2 inches

Weight: 101 lbs

Measurements:

 Bra size: 38 FF

Dress size 4

Shoe Size 5

Head and Waist would be 19 inches

Hips 33 inches

The avg. woman:

Height 5 ft 4 in

Weight 140 lbs

Measurements:

Bra size 36 B

Dress size: 14

Shoe size: 9

Waist: between 30 and 34 inches

Hips 40

Me:

Height 5'4   exactly average.

Weight 144 lbs Ok so I'm a few lbs above average but just a few so why am I always beating myself up about my weight?

Measurements 36 D My cup size is a bit larger than average. I've always hated my breast size but honestly at least I'm not as HUGE as poor Barbie over there.

Dress Size 8 All these years fighting to remain a size 4 and come to find out that I'm way below the average dress size. Why have I been torturing myself so much?

Waist 32 inches so right on average it seems. 

Hips 38 below average. And yes I'm proportianate in size which is something else I should be grateful for. 

Lesson stop being critical of my body and love it and accept it .