Breathe in the Flowers Blow out the Candles

When I had my first ever panic attack and didn't know that's what was happening I called 911. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I was told I was having a panic attack when I got to the hospital. The panic attack of course wasn't going to stop happening just because I knew I was having it. 

The female paramedic that was taking care of me was trying to calm me down so as we sat in the emergency room she was helping me try to breathe so I could calm down. She wanted me to breathe in throw my noise breathe it all out through my mouth. She kept repeating in a tone that was suppose to calm me down breathe in the flowers blow out the candles. 

Six years later after that experience I still sometimes get panic attacks. I'll be honest work can get really stressful sometimes. Things can get really hairy and I have to keep track of my emotions. I do love my job and it's a ton of fun and games most of the time. When end of the year reports start coming around that's when things start getting dicey. Today my first huge internal end of year report was due. I was sweating because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get it done. There I was two laptops typing away. When the stress level was starting to get to me I started my little breathing exercise. 

My co-worker was looking at me as I was doing my little breathing exercise and typing away. She must have thought it was a funny thing to look at. She stood there for awhile and when I finally looked up (while still doing the breathing exercise) she asked me what I was doing. I smiled and said breathing in the flowers blowing out the candles. She gave me a funny look so told her just breathing so I don't go postal. 

At the end of the year when I'm so stressed out I am grateful that I have learned ways to calm down. That small breathing exercise itself was totally worth that whole night I spent in the ER. Well not really buy you know what I mean!

Laughing

I woke up sick today. I went to bed feeling fine. I woke up and I was sick. It was a jam packed day so getting sick wasn't something I could really fit into my schedule. I got up from bed at 7ish and decided to tackle my day even though that meant that I'd probably be dragging. I was slow but I got everything on my agenda done and even though there were some downs two things made the day ok. 

As I was teaching Relief Society one of the ladies had a question and I called her by her name. Now she's in the middle of a pretty bad divorce. I'm not sure of the details more because I don't want to know than because people aren't talking about it. Anyway today she asked that we start calling her by her maiden name again. So when she raised her hand to ask her question I called her by her maiden name. She let out the world's best giggle. What made this giggle so great you ask? Have you ever heard a 50 something year old woman giggle? Yeah it's kinda rare. It wasn't just that it was rare but it was the joy in her face when she did it. It was pretty great.

Tonight I went to a Messiah Sing-a-long. I'm not a great singer but I love hearing the singers. Two of my friends were in the sing-a-long. She was playing the violin and he was in the choir. They asked me if I could take care of the baby for a bit. How can I say no to a baby? Especially one that's only 6 weeks old. They're so cute at that age. So there he was in his little car seat and he was getting fussy. I decided to get him out of his car seat and carry him a bit. As soon as he realized he was coming out he started laughing. It just warmed my heart. 

Both of these people's laughs just made my not so great day to a happy one. Maybe laughter is the best medicine.

Words left unspoken

Depeche Mode's Precious

I was a block from work when this song came on my iPod this morning. The chorus hit my like a ton of bricks. I've been pushing something back and not paying attention to it trying to get the rest of my life moving along. I've listened to the song a million times today after that.

(lyrics)

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I'm standing up and putting everything out there for all to know. I have a deep and firm knowledge that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church of God. Does this meaning that I stand behind the leaders of the church 100 %? I'm human and sometimes I hear what they say and shake my head. I have a hard time with what they preach. What I do know is that through my hardest times the only thing that has not turned it's back on me is my church. I have done wrong and come back and been accepted with open arms and with love once more. The Church has kept me stable. People my have a hard time with the fact that I am a member of the Church but that is on them. When they are living my life they can choice the path they choose but since I'm the one living it this is what I choose. You who I am thinking of as I type this have made your choices and I never once judged you. I never once called you anything but a friend. I never turned my back on you and if I would have I would have given you reasoning.  Did you once ask me before judging me how I felt about the words you heard that hurt you so much? That's a simple NO. 

As the song says "there was so little left to give'. You have chosen and I abide by your decision. There is little left to give, I have no physical or emotional energy left for you. Your antics have left me with no more energy or will to salvage our friendship. You once said you wonder how our friendship would have ended had we not been torn apart in our youth. Truth is we weren't torn apart. You called me and said that you wanted to talk to me and you never showed up. You judged me then that I couldn't handle the truth. You judge me now that I won't love you for who you are. Truth is YOU couldn't handle your truth and YOU can't love yourself for who you are. 

(lyrics)

I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us

I pray for much more than that actually. I pray that you learn to love yourself. I pray that someday you'll know of the true admiration I had for you, how when I was younger I held you in awe. Unfortunately when you come to that understanding I well be long gone from here. 

 

But I'm not particularly comfortable around guns. - Ryan Phillipe

I don't like guns. Never have never well. They tend to generate unhappy feelings when I see one. People seem to want to use them for the wrong reasons. Like Ryan Phillipe I'm not particularly comfortable around guns. 

One thing I'm extremely comfortable with is riding on buses. I love going anywhere in them. I like getting on trains to get to appointments. I like public transportation in general. I am in general very careful on how I get from point A to point B. I don't mind paying a little extra to not have to go through a rather bad area in town. I catch a train into the city instead of a trolley so I won't have to go through West Philly. I catch a bus that leaves me at my therapist 30 min early so I don't have to go through 69th St. Why do I do this? 

Last week at the 69th St. Terminal an old lady got on the bus. Next to her was sitting that annoying person who not only is talking on the phone so loudly that everyone knows about her baby daddy business but she was being super crude in her conversation. The bus was not leaving soon and it was filling up with parents and their children who were headed home after school. Little old lady got tired of the foul language and having to here this very loud conversation. Little Old Lady got up and moved from her seat but before doing so started yelling at Loud Phone Talker. Loud Phone Talker yelled back to Little Old Lady. The yelling and screaming went back and forth. Little Old Lady got up from her second seat and told Loud Phone Talker "this little old lady well put a bullet in your mouth". At this point the bus full of passengers thought she was just escalating the fight and didn't think she was serious. Then everyone saw the gun. A man with his two kids got between them and told Loud Phone Talker to shut up and asked Little Old Lady to get off the bus. They cops arrested Little Old Lady and Daddy of Two stopped a tragedy from happening. 

So this week after therapy I was for sure not catching the bus that stopped at 69th St. but I ended up having to because I was running late for dinner with a friend. I was on high alert. The funny thing everyone on the bus was too. Instead of people being rude to one another and no one paying attention to anything but themselves everyone was being extremely polite. People were offering other people their seats. Passengers were helping mom with kids. It surprised me to see that people are in general kind human beings with a few imperfections that can create situations like last weeks

. Oh and I wasn't surprised to notice that no one was on their phone while on the bus.

Dumpsville

You're in a relationship and as far as you know things are great. As far as you're concerned not only are you happy but so is he. Things couldn't get better. Then suddenly he starts doing little things that he knows irritate you.  You forgive him because well maybe you love him or for whatever reason. Then you start noticing he's not doing little annoying things but things that he knows get under your skin. He leaves the toilet seat up EVERY time he uses the bathroom or he drinks red Kool-aid in the living room with white carpet. No one is perfect so you let things slide. 
Next thing you know you make plans and he calls last minute to cancel because he forgot that he had an appointment with a client. Maybe he shows up late to your date saying you told him a different time. Things get worse little by little and before you know it the only option you see is breaking up with him. Soon after your break up he's dating someone else.
Here's another situation so you start going out with a nice guy. It seems you guys have a lot of basic things in common. You introduce to your friends and he's really sweet and cute with them but not to much. He spends time talking to one of your friends and you're happy that he gets along with your friends. You tell him one day that you love to go camping and he tells you he's never liked camping for x or y reason. You then tell him your a fan of U2 and that they'll be in town next month and you were thinking about getting tickets for the both of you. He says he doesn't like U2. You think to yourself who doesn't like U2? You start noticing you guys don't have a lot in common so you break up with him. A few weeks later he's dating your friend. 
In both situations guess what? You've been played. Guys hate being the bad guy. They well do anything to not be the bad guy and dump you. 
Today I had a friend over for dinner and we talked about the guys that have done this two both of us. So look back to the guys you've broken up with and think long and hard and does this pattern look familiar to you?

The Diaz Zoo

I got a Facebook message from my cousin in Atlantic City this week saying she needed a huge favor to please call her. I really like my cousin and even though we don't hang out as much as I'd like when we do I really love the time I spend with her. 

I called her back as soon as I got off the phone with a friend to see what was up. So she was leaving the country for a month and hand no where to keep her puppy. She wanted to know if she could leave him with me. I love puppies and I've been wanting one for ever and a day but can't get the guts to do it. So I didn't think about it twice I said yes. 

She came over tonight to drop Mocca off. The name is pronounced like mocha that you drink she spelled it differently because she didn't want to confuse the Spanish speakers. The cute little thing jumped into my arms and started licking my face and it was love at first sight.

She has run around after the cats and barks at them. When they try to go near her she backs away and runs to me. She barks at me all the time because she wants me to do nothing but pick her up and carry her like a baby. Right now she's in my bed snoring. 

So I have her for a month and we'll see if I really want a puppy at the end of this ordeal. Here's hoping.

music and dance

I

I went into the city today for work. Had to go to a meeting for allocation of funds for the Philadelphia EMA. Tough work and I was tired and feeling like death warmed over when it was done. I headed towards the stores after wards to find a bit of retail therapy. As I was shopping my stomach made a strange noise and I realized it was past 4 and I hadn't eaten lunch yet. I headed into Le'Bus and got a salad. 

Headed into Rittenhouse Square to sit down and eat. There was a group of African Drummers playing and it was such a great atmosphere of music and people walking as I ate. It was the things that I miss about living in the city all wrapped into one big bundle of happiness. 

As I was eating my phone rang and it was my friend Camille who told me it was probably last minute especially since I didn't live in the city but that our friend Chloe had open dress rehearsal and had invited us to come. I so happened to be a 10 min walk from where the rehearsal was so I walked. 

Ballerinas or ballet dancers however you would call them are amazing. There was such beauty in this dancing and fluidity of their bodies. Camille described it best. It's as if they're light as feathers but really strong feathers. 

I did what?

Just noticed that I have now half way through the year posted more blogs than I did for all of last year! How exciting is that?

Re-decorating almost all done

L

Last night I got my behind in gear and I painted the accent wall in the dining room. Two coats three hours later I had a beautiful yellow wall. I put everything back where it belonged and I went to bed a happy girl. 

This morning I woke half an hour before the guys got here to move out the old furniture. They rang the doorbell at 9 on the dot and before I knew it the piano was being lifted out of the way. The couch got pushed out then the love seat. 

Saturday I went to the Dump and looked at the furniture there. The boss man got a tomato red sleeper and a blue recliner. Both of them were put in today. The apartment looks modern and new and not like the old place. 

I'm happy with the way the apartment looks but there are more changes to come  now that I've started working on the whole thing. Howell came in to look over the place and give me his approval. He liked the yellow on the wall and he didn't critique my painting which I was worried about. I'm not a professional painter by any means but he is a perfectionist it had me worried. 

He said to spread the yellow from the dining room area all the way to the fire place. We also talked about painting an accent wall in the living room the same yellow. He also said he wants to put more paintings on my wall so we're going to be going through the paints that he has in storage. That my friends is worth the anxiousness I have been going through with this re-decoration!

Janet Jackson sang it best...

Control

I'm lying down on my couch for what may be the last time ever. As I lay here and type away I think of how I lost control of this re-decorating project. I'm not ungrateful of having new furniture but for someone who has to be in control and has a hard time with change this is difficult. 

Today my day consisted of a trip to visit my JAP and then my hair dresser. When I got back to the office it was night time and the only people at the office were my family. Moo was running around the backyard with her parents chasing after and Howell sitting in the patio looking on. I put down my bags and went in to get dinner and sat down next to him in the patio to eat. 

"Are you going to be around tomorrow?" This question usually means there's a boat load of paper work he doesn't want to deal with so I have to work on it. So I told him that I was going to be at a meeting with the OHP. From the look on his face I saw that I misunderstood him. 

"Are you going to be around your place tomorrow? I have to get the couch out by tomorrow," he clarified. Now this is a different story. There was going to be movement in my house and he wanted to know if I was going to let him in or if as my landlord he had to give me the 24 hr notice that he was going in. I informed him that I would be around till the afternoon when I had to be at the OHP. 

"What time do you get up?" Now this my friends is a loaded question because all the construction workers hate that no matter how late they think they're coming in they wake me up. I'm a night owl so I sleep in late but my work hours are different than there's so they can kiss it when they judge and they do judge. They make snide remarks about it all the time. 

I told him I wake up btwn the hours of 9 and 9:30 and get dressed in five minutes. So he said he'd be here btwn the hours of 9:30 and 10 to get the couch out and send the love seat over to Shushana's. Saturday we were going to "The Dump" (I really hate the name of that store) to pick out my new living room set.

I have been the owner of this couch for 21 months. I have slept, napped, watched TV, done work, ate, cried, cuddled and all other things on this couch for over a decade now. This couch before it kept residence in my home kept residence in Howell's house in Merion since before I knew him. When I started working in the agency and spending time at his house this couch is where I lived. This couch has been part of my life for a long time and just like that I was told he was going to give it away. Now I thought I was going to have a bit before it was given away but I was given 12 hr notice it was leaving my life today.. I'm having a hard time with this change but at the same time excited about it. I hope my new couch is as loving and kind to me as the one I'm laying on right now. Be good to your next owner my dear friend.

Melted Butter

D

Does it sometimes feel like things are just sliding out of control? You make plans and in your head those plans are going to eventually happen but in a time frame that you feel comfortable in. Then things just start happening way faster than your brain can handle and things just get out of your control. That's how I feel with project let's redecorate Lupe's place. 

I walked into the office and it looked like the commanding center for a full out war. The energy was felt throughout the office. Howell's son was in town and sitting down doing work on his computer. My brother was moving around getting paper work done. Howell was looking for the blueprints for the house Nelson is moving into. I thought he's focusing on Nelson's stuff my apartment well be ignored for a bit. I can focus on painting the dining area and in a few months the other stuff well happen nice and slow a pace I can handle. 

Howell stopped as he noticed the can of paint I brought in to show him the color, called melted butter. It's a beautiful soft yellow. He looked at it said he liked it and walked away. Things were going to go well, slow and steady at a pace I could handle. 

Later on Nelson said get in the car we're going to Costco. I never say no to a Costco trip but why were we going on a Monday and not only any Monday the Monday before payday when everyone's bank account is low? Nelson informed me we were getting a new air conditioner for Howell's room I gave Nelson a sideway glance as I thought ohoh. 

"Just for his room?" I asked.

Nelson smirked and said, "no we're getting the new one for your house too."

We got both air conditioners at Costco and a few other things and then headed back to base camp. Howell told us to sit down he wanted to discuss something with us. I felt my control slip away from my hands with that phrase. Here I start as with my last blog what he said without stopping to breath:

" We got the air conditioner for your house. I'm going to have Oscar (one of his construction workers) come in tomorrow to your place to put it in. Since you got the paint you can start setting up to paint but I'll get Marcos (his best painter) to come in and help you do it in a couple of days. I told Rick (his cement guy) I'd give him your pull out couch and we can throw the love seat away (Shushana is going to take it and reupholster it for her place). Then next week we'll go to the Dump and buy you something new (what happened to our Ikea plan?). ... he continued telling me plans for construction in the new place etc etc. This is not a nice and easy slow pace... I should have known this was coming when he got me a new table.
 

Once you start you can't stop

Or what's the other saying when it rains it pours. My place looks like a hurricane hit it. Hurricane Howell did in fact hit it.

The boss man greeted me with a huge smile when I came to visit him and my mom after church today. I always visit them on Sunday when I'm done with church. I go from church meetings to their house to hang out with them in a  non stress related (work) mode. I usually get there before my mom gets there from her branch. I raid the fridge and pig out,go walk around the gardens or just hang out with the boss man. When mom gets there she cooks for all of or sometimes we're bad Mormons and we break the Sabbath and the boss man takes us out to eat.

But back to my story. The boss man greeted me with a huge smile on his face. I have good news his face told me. He smiled and said Lupe you look beautiful today. So the news was big news. Yes I did in fact look beautiful with my white skirt with red anchors, 4in stilettos, and red scarf but he always sees me dressed up and only tells me I look nice when he's in a great mood.

He pulled me aside because he had one of his workers there and told me we had gotten a grant that he had written for. Four inch stilettos or not I jumped for joy. Then he told me he had something to show me in the car. There was the bottom part of an old singer sewing machine like seen in the picture in his car. I've always loved those old singer machines. They are such a piece of art for me. I gasped. Then he showed me the top which was a gray and white marble piece that went on it. I gasped again. I had to get my inhaler out after he told me it was for me.

We took it to my place soon after and he put it in my living room where it doesn't fit at the moment. Then the man started walking around my house. After giving it the once over he sat down on his piano and played Maria. I sat down and waited. The man only plays Maria when he is thinking happy thoughts. The man is only happy when rearranging something. I waited.

These are the words that announced Hurricane Howell had flown in:

The cats tore into the love seat so we can either get a whole new living room set or just get a neutral colored love seat. I really like the pull out bed  so we'll just a love seat for that area. Then I think we'll put the Singer table I got where the end table is put the lamp back up. We'll put the end table on this end. You need an AC here because one AC won't do so you'll have to figure out where to put these books. I'll help with the painting of the dining room I like the yellow you picked out. You need an organizer in the bedroom so the two baskets where you keep your clothes aren't taking so much space.

He proceeded to move things around to see what it would look like. Hurricane Howell hit and it well take a few months before re-decorating is complete. I should have known this was coming when he got me a new table.

Green Table

T

The boss man gifted me this country table. It's beautiful. I already have a dining table one that he so happened to have gifted me too. So I put my table on loan to some friends that didn't have one and put my new table to use. To compliment the green table the boss man got me red chairs. The iron rod chandelier I have works so much better with this table too. As I was looking at the table I felt that something was off and the boss said you need to paint the wall another color. So the friend that I loaned the table to is giving me the rest of a can of pain she has. I'm painting the dining area of my apartment a beautiful yellow. I think the official name of the color is melted butter. 

I also started putting flowers from the garden into the house again. Isn't it funny how one slight change brings other changes and new energy into a house and into your life?

Oh and no this isn't the table but the chairs are the exact color of the table so I thought that it would be a great picture to put up with this blog.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

I am a full bodied woman. Mind you I did not say I'm fat. I'm not fat at all I'm a wonderful size 6 but I'm not skinny either. I am a curvy woman and I don't mind my curves I like them. It's taken a lot of hard work but I am learning to love my body with all it's beauties and imperfections. As I've gotten older I've learned to respect my body too. I respect that it needs to be fed in order for it to function. I respect that I needs to be exercised to keep me in shape. I respect that I need to take care of it to keep it in best functional ability. 
When I was younger I didn't respect my body very much. I didn't love my body at all come to think of it. I hated that it was curvy. I ate whatever I wanted and never really exercised it. I never listened to what it had to say on what I ingested or how I took care of it. I always assumed that I would always have the body that I had in the condition that it was in. I never thought of illness and the many things that could go wrong with it. as I got older I began appreciating those things and learning to respect my body. 
I sense that my not respecting my body lead others to not respect it either. I used to be so ashamed of my breast. I think many of those around me sensed it they sensed the chink in my armor I remember hiding as I changed into gym class trying to make sure none of the other girls saw me change. At last it was pointless because someone was going to notice sooner or later. The person that first noticed or at least comment on it decided to start calling me Dolly... as in Dolly Parton. Boys (and by this I mean silly XY chromosome gender human beings) would always make crude comments about them. I never said anything and if I did it would be an explosion of violence. It ended being this way because I'd get to the point of not saying anything that I would just explode. 
At last I grew up and the comments were less but I still to this day get comments about my breast as I'm walking down the street. I have learned to ignore them pretend they're not there and just not let it bother me. Most of my guy friends know better than to make comment to me about them. Still every once in a while I'll explode as some idiot who makes the wrong comment as I walk down the street but it's far and in between now a days. 
I was surprised when someone (an XY chromosome) made a rather crude, inappropriate comment about them on one of my social networks. I wrote back and said that's inappropriate. He continued to comment on my breast and I'm sure he thought he was being funny and that I was amused. He took a comment on my happiness and made it something so not happy. He felt like a fool of course when everyone else commented on my happiness and realized he had ruined something for me. He apologized later on and I explained to him in general not a good idea to belittle a daughter of God by making such comments. 
It was a learning experience for me (if not for him). I learned that I can say I'm not happy with your comment in a respectful manner to all involved. I learned that I can take the high road when someone decides to try to belittle my body. I learned that people can be mean and hurtful without trying and I have to learn to have thicker skin. I learned I can forgive those that have hurt me.

My Dark Secret

Instead of getting myself in trouble and sending this out to someone that I shouldn't contact I'll just put this out there for the rest of the world to read. I know the logic doesn't work for you but it works for me. Don't question my sanity. I do that everyday on my own. 

Dark Angel,

I don't know if it's the last 3 songs I  listened to before I drifted to sleep or the constant news of the Gulf Coast or the fact that I've been reading the Southern Vampire Series newest book or that you are somehow subconsciously still in my thoughts. I went to the park today. I went to kill time. I thought I'd tan, read a book and people watch while waiting for my next appointment. There was a jazz band playing when I got there so I put down my shawl and lay down to listen to them as I read. I had on a summer dress and flip flops and to block the sun from burning my face a large brim hat and sunglasses. I took out my book and began to read. I felt myself getting drowsy so I turned on my iPod to keep me awake. Coldplay's Cemeteries of London came on first. The black and white music video always reminds me of the black and white photos of you in the cemetery, you wearing your long leather coat and boots. Next came to back to back Depeche Mode songs: Enjoy the Silence and Corrupt. I must have drifted to sleep while I was listening to Corrupt. 

In my sleep I dreamt. I was sitting in the Biloxi beach. I knew it was Biloxi and not any of the Delaware or New Jersey beaches because of the sand. The sand down south is different from the one here. I was wearing a black two piece with a white skull. I had seen a similar swim suit in Victoria's Secret earlier that day which is how I'm guessing it came into my dream. Boys were playing running around me. I ignored them as the wind blew my hair. Someone stood in front of me so I looked up at them. It was Armando. I smiled at him. " We're going canoeing he told me". I looked around and saw Dave and Jeremy. It was Dave and Jeremy as they are now not as they were when the four of us were growing up. I looked around the beach to see where the canoe was. I looked out to the Gulf and realized the water was dark and thick and sure enough it was not water but oil. Then I noticed you walking on water or in this case oil. You were wearing black cargo pants and your boots with a black and white tee shirt. I stood up and you beckoned me. I went into the water and then remembered that I neither knew how to walk on water or how to swim. As I sunk into the oil I looked for you. You were gone. I woke up.

Poetically enough the sun was hidden by rain clouds and it was beginning to drizzle when I woke up. I grabbed my stuff and left the park.

So what you're saying is I wasn't out of shape?

The diagnosis to my PCOS started with me worrying about the asthma attacks I kept getting when I rode my bike. It constantly felt like I was going up hill on my bike even when I was going downhill. I had gotten a new bike. It was this amazing Schwinn made specifically for women which was just a nice way of saying they cushioned it up and made it pretty to market it to women. I had saved up for months to buy this bike and by by 5th ride in I couldn't ride it anymore.

I like riding bikes as exercise more than running for various reasons. First you get on the bike you pedal it goes and you're exercising while sitting down. It doesn't create as much damage on your knees as running on pavement does. There's also the fact that you cover so much more ground on a bike than you do on your feet.

So I had this brand new bike that I could count on my hands how many times I ridden it. I couldn't ride it anymore because I was so out of shape due to my PCOS that I was having these asthma attacks. For a year it just stayed in storage in my basement. Poor bike. I hated every time I saw it knowing that I had spent money on this bike and I had barely used it. I tried ever so often to get on it and ride it but same thing would happen I'd have an asthma attack. It recently got put in the garage at my mom's house and it stayed there. It wouldn't have moved from there unless my boss decided he need to clean out the garage.

He needed to move the bike so he starts rolling it out of the way. I saw him stop look at the bike, play with the wheels, play with the breaks and then he says "the breaks don't work on your bike". I turned and gave him a what do you mean look. He explained that the back wheel should just roll but it isn't. He says that it needs to be fixed.

So this whole time I thought I was out of shape it wasn't me it was the bike didn't work? I was really mad that I was so out of shape but it wasn't me it was the bike. I am also grateful that thinking something was wrong with me I went to the doctor. The doctor found something was wrong and I am getting help for it so maybe I should be grateful.

The Clothes Do Not Make the (Wo)Man

George Michael's song Freedom is a great song to work out to. I've always had it on my iPod so when I go to the gym and I can run my little heart out. The song has a great beat to run to which is part of the reason why I love it. The other part is the anger that he has as he sings about his life in fame. The feeling that he is bitter about all the things that were handed to him just for his having a pretty face and all the things people thought that he should be. There's the I hate being pretty feeling to the song that I love too. At the same time that I'm getting energy from his anger I find energy out of the anger I start feeling that oh boo hoo you had to be a pretty boy to become rich and famous. 
Growing up I was a skinny girl with let's be honest rather large breast. I was pretty, I'm not being my own horn but being honest. Pretty skinny and large chest equals to a lot of attention from boys in school. To me because this had always happened I thought it was normal. I never knew that not all girls get persistent attention from the other sex. I didn't realize that some girls were just constantly ignored. I lived in my bubble till about the age of 30.
Thirty came and I was thrown for a loop. I became a big girl due to my uncontrolled sugar levels due to my glucose intolerance thanks to my PCOS. Things quickly became different. At first I didn't notice it. One less man telling me "hey baby nice ____" was less headache for me. It became evident when I was getting less dates that something was up and when I didn't even get a hello when I was working with a male I knew something had changed. I didn't mind it. Being ignored was a nice change from being noticed at times.
So here I am 30 lbs lighter back to my normal body and the attention has started up again. From being asked out on dates to being told looking nice by a random guy as I walk down NYC streets I'm getting attention. Suddenly I understand what George Michael was singing about. Now I understand his anger. What I wear (which is nice clothes) and what I look like are not what make me it's my inner spirit that does yet it seems sometimes that that's not what our society judges us by.

My 5' 1 docotor jumps for joy

I went for my 3 month check up with my endocrinologist. This was an important visit because it's the check up after she changed me to Glumetza.

This is how a visit usually goes:

1. Arrive check in with receptionist

2. Go back with nurse

3. Get weighed and told I've lost more weight

4. Get finger pricked to have blood sugar tested.

5. Dr. Lit comes and does questions to see if I might have full blown diabetes.

6. She checks/blood pressure/if ankles are swollen/ throat check to check thyroid

7. Dr. Lit leaves and nurse does blood work which I might confess is the longest part because I throw a fit ea. time the needle is about to go in.

This is how the visit went this week

1. Running late so when I walked in receptionist just took me straight to the back where while I waited for Dr. Lit to come in I did my paper work there.

2. Nurse walked into room to take paper work and to ask for my co-pay.

3. Got weighed but it seems I have finally stopped losing weight. I believe that since I've started running I'm starting to create muscle so even though I fit in smaller clothes, I am weighing more. Muscle weighs more than fat.

4.I'm guessing that due to time crunch they forgot to check my blood sugar. I'm really not going to complain since that's one less needle going into me to get blood out.

5. Dr. Lit runs in seconds after the nurse, who's nave is Beverly, and begins her questions. She thought it was normal that my appetite has increased and thinks it's okay that I'm drinking so much as long as I'm not going to the bathroom every five minutes.

6. She checked my blood pressure which was pretty good even though I was running like a mad woman to get there on time. My feet looked good she said. She must have not seen all the blisters from the New York visit and all the running. Then she does her usual pressing on my throat and asking to swallow so she can check my throat. She wrote it all down and said good bye. Things are going as they should go

6b. So I"m waiting for Beverly to walk back in to do my blood work. Dr. Lit runs back in. I should mention this is how she works she runs everywhere to do everything she does. She tells me I don't know if I was imagining it so can I look at your neck again. She pokes at my neck and then looks at her notes. She says the brown mark is gone! She starts jumping up and down and she says while she's still jumping Do you know what that means? I smile at her and she says the medicine is working it is working! We'd been worried that it wasn't anymore but I guess she took this as a good sign. I guess she has been feeling the same way I have frustrated on how long this is taking.

7. Finally Beverly walks in and Dr Lit stops jumping and leaves. We start our little dance. Turn to face me she says. I tell her no until I feel like I'm a 5 year old and turn to face her. Then she tries to put the band on my left arm. I move it away from her she calls me by my name and I pout as I give her my arm. It takes 3 tries and lots of talking before I let her pinch my arm and a minute later we have a tube of blood. Dr. Lit well call me on Tuesday to tell me what it looks like. I'm hoping this time there has been some progress.

As Moo would say Gato

So as most of you probably know I have to very hyper active cats. They're both rescue cats and have their issues that they have to work out. My oldest which is in the picture suffers from OCD and depression. The little one suffers from eternal hunger. She's always going through my whole kitchen looking for food. I've found my kitchen looking like Katrina hit it because she'll try to get into anything that might have food.
Last week my brother asked me if she could take the little one to his house to do some hunting at his house. He thought that they might have a mouse and wanted her to search it out. So she stayed with them for about a week. The house was a bit more quiet. Feeding time was less of a hassle. Life in my apartment was just a bit easier to handle. My older cat just seemed to be at peace. He was sleeping all over the house with out ever being attacked. She came back two days ago and I assumed everything would be fine. Now my two cats that never took a nap without one another were hissing at one another.
It's so strange to see how a few days away from home things have changed.
It made me think how as a person I can change when I'm away from my day to day things.  Once we're away from the known do we behave differently?

Another Doctors Visit

I went in for my annual check up today. I love the doctors at the practice that I go to but sometimes the reception area is touch and go. This morning was one of those days. I honestly came in and thought it was going to be not muy bueno. The receptionist was on the phone taking a personal call didn't take my name or anything just let me know how much my co-pay was. I don't take too well to unprofessional behavior so I assumed I must have made a face at her because she kept staring at me. I sat down and waited for my doctor and she kept staring. I was ready to get up and ask her if there was a problem. She beat me to the punch though. She called me to the desk. Ok then there was a problem. I wondered if something was wrong with my insurance if I had written the check out incorrectly. It was none of those things.
"Ms. Diaz have you lost weight? I didn't recognize you at first and I didn't know why but it's because you lost weight isn't it?"
I went from oh I'm ready to cut a _____ to aren't you the sweetest woman ever.
So now I've gone back to skinny to a point where people that met me when I was caring all the weight don't recognize me. Now I have to get back the muscle that I lost when I was told to stay away from anything that might raise my blood pressure. Today my doctor said that the out of breath feeling I get when I try to exercise is due to asthma attacks I'm getting. So in order to let me exercise again he gave me an inhaler so soon enough I'll be running again! I can't wait!

From Here To Eternity

A

My religion takes family and marriage very seriously. A marriage is an eternal commitment beyond the grave. When children are born withing that bond of marriage they are part of that eternal family. That is some heavy commitment and that to me is scary. How do you know if a person is someone you want to spend eternity with? Every married couple I've asked says that they just knew. That just hasn't happened for me yet. I don't think any less of myself for it. I rather enjoy the life I have made while searching for that eternal mate. If I don't find it so be it too.
Meanwhile it has been fun looking for that person to spend my eternity with. Sometimes it does get confusing. Sometimes I start feeling the same way I did when I was fourteen. I get confused and unsure on what is it that I want and need. I have found myself losing focus on the long term and getting muddled in the short term things.Let's face it the instant gratification stuff is fun and enjoyable but it won't get you to the long term goals.
I like boys and I'm pretty sure boys like me. Actually I'm rather sure boys like me. While I'm sizing them up to see if they might be the one to reach that eternal goal they're doing the same. When I'm figuring it out I have learned that I have to first respect myself in order for them to respect me too. Much easier said then done might I add. Sometimes I have to stop focusing on everything around me to make sure that I'm respecting myself in order to let myself be respected. I've found out that Ms Franklin had the right thought that if you can't give me my propers you just come home and find me gone. It 's not that easy but again you have to keep your eyes on the big goal and not let the short term muddle you.

Southern Manners

I was raised in the South. I learned common Southern manners when I was a little girl. You always have food and drink ready when you have guests. You are kind and smile at anything that is said to your face. Thank you's are always given and you bring a gift to the person hosting you. The biggest one was your elders and those in a higher station then you are always addressed by their title. Here's an an example. My mom was a house keeper so all her employers I had to address by their title Ms. and their first name her Wednesday job was Ms Ann. When I was a child I had to talk to everyone that way title and name, no matter whom they were.

Now that I'm older and having lived amongst the Yankees for so long that habit has been lost. I call my boss by his first name unless we're in a meeting with another agency and then I'll call him by his title (Dr.) and his last name. Everyone I'm friends with or work with is called by their first name. I must admit that this lax way the Yankees hold was surprising to me when I first moved up here. Now I don't even think twice about it now.
Last night my sister in laws family arrived from North Carolina. The kids were all excited to have arrived and to be here. We were all talking and I heard one of the kids call out my sister in laws name. I didn't think any of it that's her name. I looked up when I heard their dad say that's Aunt Bev to you. Wow! It was amazing to see that not only the tradition lives but enforced by parents. I was shocked even more when I was saying good night to all of them their mom told the kids to say good night to Aunt Lupe. Now I am family through marriage but I wasn't thinking that I was suppose to have a title but I was the children's elder so I got a title.
I don't know when or how I lost that habit but I loved seeing it being used once again. Now well I start calling everyone by their proper title from now on? No, but I have been encouraged to be more respectful of those around me. That's what southern manners are.

Julie & Julia and my PCOS

I guess it all began Sunday afternoon. My friend M. dropped me of at my Mami's house after church. When her car went into the driveway I saw that both my pseudo-dad's cars were outside. That meant he was home for a change on a Sunday but I wondered if that meant my mom hadn't gone to church? I called out when I opened the back door and pseudo-dad let me know he was downstairs. He was by himself in the house.
I hadn't eaten since it was Fast Sunday at my church which I well confess was one of the things that prompted me to go to my mom's house instead of mine. It was past two and my mom wasn't home from church herself so I called to see where she was. She told me she was on her way to a baptism and wouldn't be getting home till probably 5. That meant that I would have to do some cooking but that was ok because her house had food unlike mine.
I informed pseudo-dad that my mom wasn't coming home soon. He must have seen the look of hunger in my eye because his next question was "have you eaten lunch?" I answered truthfully and he invited me to Bertucii's. Now I'm not suppose to shop or do any of those things on Sunday due to my religion but I was hungry I didn't feel like coming up with a meal plan and I felt staying at my mom's without her there was pointless. I broke down and decided to go.
Lunch lead to shopping. My phone began to vibrate and my big brother was calling me. Big bro and I never talk on the phone on Sundays. Sundays is a phone free zone day for him. I was surprised but not worried. Until he asked where are you? Big brother was in the ER since he sliced his thumb open with an exacto knife. So I went to their place so my sister-in-law could be with him in the ER and I keep an eye on the baby at their place.
So they could get some rest after a very stressful day I was asked to take the baby for the night. No problem I love my niece she and I love taking naps together and I've been baby hungry for so long that I wanted to know what having a baby over night felt like. The kid was out by 6:30 so life was good. Life was not so good when I learned baby girl moans, cries, laughs, and rolls all over the bed like Tia Lupe does. She then proceeded to wake up at 3 and stayed up till 4:30 and woke back up at 7 (2 hours earlier then I roll out of my bed and I got no sleep to boot).  Even after all that insanity I still wanted a baby, but no marriage no baby.
I got home from work today exhausted. I decided that instead of killing myself cleaning some more that I would get some sleep. So I went to Netflix as I lay in bed and saw what was playing instantly. Julie and Julia was on the list so I hit the play button. As I read the book I realized that Julia Childs had infertility issues. She couldn't have children. There is this beautiful scene that drove me to tears. Julia finds out that her sister who married at an older age like Julia was pregnant. Julia starts crying because she can't have children. I lost it. This stupid PCOS has me wondering if I'll be able to have children some day. The worst part is that I won't be able to know until I start trying and since there is no one to try with aka a husband I won't know anytime soon.
We shall see what happens. 

Who doesn't like a bit of attention?

After many years of not understanding the foreign chromosome gender I finally think I get it. After much wondering what the heck about things that the boys do and questioning the boys that are near and dear I got some answers. First of all much like the Doble X gender boys don't know what they want. Just like I change my mind about what I'm going to wear to work a million times guys change their minds a million times about other things. They're psyche isn't that much different then ours.
Why do they drag out the dates and phone calls and the 'hang outs when they know they aren't interested? The same reason I giggle and act out when near my mami... it's all about the attention. Knowing this I can be a big girl and not get my feelings hurt. Knowing this I can give them some attention get some myself and no one gets hurt the huge mellow drama is avoided.
Who knows maybe while giving attention to get attention something might happen if not at least I had fun.

Runaway dream

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was running through the muddy woods barefoot. This didn't surprise me because I love the feel of my feet on grass or mud. I love to run through forest areas and let the wind hit my face. In the dream I was excited because I was running and I wasn't out of breath. Recently my attempts to run have ended in asthma attacks. I was shocked though as I was running I looked back to see if what I was running away from was catching up to me. I knew two things as I looked back that I was surely running away from someone and that that someone was a male. What surprised me was that I was unsure if I wanted this man to reach me or not. I felt torn between the two decisions to run faster or let him catch me. I woke up from the dream bewildered but I went back to sleep till it was time to get up.
Last night I had another dream. This time I was in the crowded streets of New York City. People were crowded on the side walks and I could see cars and taxis on the streets. I could feel the people surrounding me I could smell their perfumes and colognes and feel their body heat near me. I kept looking around looking for someone in specific but could not see them. I kept running. It wasn't easy to run in this dream. I was wearing 3 inch white pointed toe stiletto heels. The heels weren't what was truly making my run difficult though it was the light blue chiffon dress that I had to keep lifting so it wouldn't get caught on my shoes. Again I felt the same wonderment do I let him catch me or do I keep running.
All my dream interpretation books says that running away from attacker is a sign that I'm avoiding my issues and not taking responsibility for my actions. So it has come to this? After so many years of asking why, the answer is because you've never really truly wanted to. I have to decide if I truly want to do this or if I don't. How come I fear the one thing that I thought I wanted? What are these fears based off of?

A fat girl in a skinny girls body

A co worker walked in with a small bag of stuff and handed the bag to me. I looked in it and it was a few items of clothing so I assumed it was a donation of clothes that needed to be taken care of. Since I don't handle the donations anymore I asked her what they were for. A polite way of saying why are you giving me this. She responded that the jeans were for me that it looked like I was in need of new jeans.
As you may know I have a bit of a clothes addiction. I love clothes and hence I have lots of them and especially jeans. I had no idea what she meant by it seemed like I needed new jeans. I never say no when someone gives me clothes so I took the jeans out and looked at them. These puppies were small. There was no way I was going to fit in those. They obviously came from her pile of clothes not her daughters. My lovely co-worker is the smaller then either of her daughters.
I didn't want to be rude about her gift but I just kept wondering what is she thinking giving me small pants? To not offend but get my point across I asked her "are these yours or your daughters' jeans?" She was honest and told me they were hers. I was honest and told her they weren't going to fit. She put the bag of jeans in my hands and told me in a strong voice I needed to try them on. I know how she gets when she wants something so I went and did it. I kept thinking these things won't go up past my thigh and if they do I won't be able to zip them up.
I went into the bathroom and the jeans went on me like they were butter. They zipped up smoothly. The jeans fit perfectly. I was as skinny as my small co-worker. I walked out and showed her and she smiled.
She told me that she had been noticing that my jeans had been starting to fit rather lose. She told me she had noticed I was getting super tiny again. She told me that she knew I didn't know how skinny I had gotten after fighting so much with my sugar levels and my PCOS. She was right. I could not have believed I was small again.
What is it that causes women to be so critical of our own bodies? I can look in the mirror and point out every imperfection in my body. Even though intellectually I know I have lost so much weight and that I am skinny again emotionally I still feel like the fat girl. I still have emotional scars from all the hurt that I received when I gained all my weight before my diagnosis.
Why is it that as a society we judge people not for whom they are on the inside but what the look like in the outside? Thoughts anyone?