Christmas!

I've been crazy busy leading a life instead of wallowing so I haven't even thought about blogging and then I realized that it's almost the end of the year and I should blog one last time for 2006.
This season holiday has been filled with tons of firsts for me and I want to brag about them, because well that's what I do best.
So for the first time ever in ages my whole family spent Christmas together and did the whole Christmas thing. We had our first real Christmas tree. When I was a little kid we had that fake Christmas tree thing but we never got a real one. So this year we got one as a present for my mom. She kept going up to it and sniffing it and saying it smells good! I loved it. Then we had our first Christmas dinner. Well it was on Christmas Eve but hey it's close enough. We actually had over 17 ppl over for dinner which was way more then we expected but we set up the table for everyone. I was also the party host which was my first time being a host for a 'grown-up' party for that many ever.
My favorite firsts were the cooking firsts though. I cooked green beans for the first time ever. Really quick and easy recipe... caramelized onions (only way I'll eat them) with a splash of apple cider (my definition of a splash is about half a cup btw) and then add steamed green beans to that cook together for 5 min. so the green beans pick up the apple cider taste. Then I made my first apple pies... not exactly from scratch since Pilsbury did help me w/ the crust but I did peel and cut the apples and flavor them all by myself. Then this is when the crying and emergency phone calls started. I made my first turkey all by myself... everyone had left the house to tend to other Christmas errands and if I didn't make the turkey either A. no turkey for dinner or B. dinner would have started off really really late. It was really easy too... season turkey with the following salt, pepper and some garlic powder. Make sure it gets the seasoning on all sides. Then cut celery, carrots, onions (and/or any other good veggies into the dish) put veggies underneath turkey add some water. Cook 15 mins per lb or until button pops with an aluminum 'tent' on top of turkey. When done take 'tent' off leave in oven for another 10 minutes to get color onto turkey.
Thanks are given to the following ppl for a great Christmas...
First off to my family for co-operating with me to have a good Christmas with one another.
Next to Howell Strauss for opening his home to all of us to have this event... especially loved the toast where you welcomed the 'whole family' weather by birth, marriage or choice.
Never forget Kevin Strauss for helping me pull this off with helping of shopping and keeping me calm and help with recipe ideas.
Chef Dave Clouser for the apple pie recipe he gave us.
The Strauss-Benjamin-O'Glasser family for welcoming my family and me into their family.

Bargain Shopper

I think we all know that I love clothes and shoes. We all know that I love quality brand name clothes. Sadly we all also know that I don't make enough money to be able to afford all the quality name brand clothes I would love to have. So what does a girl do? A girl shops for things that are on sale. 90% of my wardrobe is clothes I bought on sale, 5% is stuff people have given to me and the last 5% are stuff I decided to buy for full price because it was a must have item.
This Friday my friend Daneen went shopping at a few stores to buy yarn and other stuff for our Christmas gift projects. Next to the A.C. Moore there was an Old Navy (or as I like to call it Trailer Gap. I pointed out the fact that all their sales items were 50 % off their lowest price. We decided to go in when we were done at A.C. Moore.
So the sales were tremendous. I got clothes betwee $5 to $10. I had an armful of clothes. Although I don't consider Trailer Gap quality name brand it is a known name brand and besides you can use their clothes as a small piece for a great outfit. I always do a tally on how much I'm going to spend before I got the the register. I was ready but when the cashier told me how much I owed it was much lower then what I had added up in my head. I asked her why it was so low. She showed me the cream blouse that I had gotten and told me well that was just $.50 and things came out cheaper then 50% off. I GOT A BLOUSE FOR $.50 THAT'S 50 CENTS PEOPLE. Yeah Trailer Gap is my new favorite sale store!

Sleep Overs and Reunions

Baltimore:
I had to go to a work conference down in Baltimore. I was excited because I have friends that live there so I had made play dates with them. I wasn't excited about the conference itself to be honest. I had a roomie to share the hotel room with but last minute she changed plans so I had this huge room all to myself. I invited my friend Alison to sleep over with me. It was our first sleep over together and it was actually fun. We watched girlie movies together and talked all night until we sort of just fell asleep. The next morning she and I did a lot of touristy things and we did some shopping. We took pictures of everything. Even though she's from the area she's never done the tourist thing it was fun. That night a handful of my friends came over to play. We went to the pool and swam and then we did the hot tub thing of course. They took me to the Little Italy which was tons of fun and very filling.
Girls Night In:
A bunch of the girls from chruch had a sleepover at our Bishop's house. His wife threw it for us which was really sweet of her. She had so much food for us when we got there. She had candy, chips, desserts, and tons of pizza. It took forever for us just to eat because as we sat around the dinner table all we could do was keep talking, I mean we are girls. We then watched movies but mostly everyone sat around gossiping about all kinds of stuff. Of course if you're watching a movie slash gossiping you can't help but eat more. It's needless to say that we were very sugared up and that there wasn't a soul in the house that wasn't giggling. Later on the dancing portion of the night started. The Bishop plays the electric guitar which was a surprise since he seems so straight laced. The night ended with ping-pong and more talking till we all fell asleep in our sleeping bags.
ReUnion:
So Alex told me about how there was a re-union for an old Bishop that we had had in the church. He and his wife were moving to Utah and anyone that still lived in the area was invited to his farewell party. I got to see a lot of old friends from church that I hadn't seen in years and we caught up. Everyone except three of us weren't married. There were kids running all over the house. I was in this parallel universe where kids existed. I hardly see kids in my daily life. It felt wierd. By the end of the party I was ready to shoot someone. Everyone kept asking me where my husband was and I kept politely replying that I wasn't married. I kept getting this wierd look from everyone when I said that. Finally someone gave me the "Oh don't worry you'll get married some day as pretty and smart as you are any man would be lucky to have you." WTF?! Did it seem that I was asking for that? It erked me in such a way that I was glad when we finally left. It seemed like an episode of Sex and the City. I was so glad to get back home to my nice happy comfortable apartment where there weren't any kids running around hitting each other and crying for mommy.

Bonfire

My friend Naomi called to ask if I was going to the Harvest Festival tonight. I really wasn't planning on going. I just wanted to stay home on my couch vegging out. I'm a walking pharmacy at the moment and I don't know what the meds well do to me next. She convinced me to go but I was worried something might happen.
I'm glad I went because even though the Harvest Festival was outside in 44 degree weather I enjoyed myself. There was pumpkin carving, and a haunted hayride, tons of food, karaoke and the best part a bonfire for the marshmallows.
All of you that know me know that I am a pyro. I love fires, so the minute I saw it I was next to it right away and didn't move for the rest of the night. I helped keep it going but mostly I sat near it with a stick and marshmallows. Bonefires are great way to get to know ppl better. The whole time I sat there I talked to ppl and got to know my friends better.
The thing is now that I had the taste of a bonfire I want more. Anyone up for camping?

ear infections, rascal flatts and closure

I've decided to go back to therapy. Those of you that remember two years ago I started going to therapy under the advice of the doctors at the ER. The way the story goes I woke up with a huge panic attack that caused me to lose mobility in all of my limbs, my vision, and caused very labored breathing. After much discussion of my 'issues' and how to deal w/ my lack of anger management I was deemed cured by my therapist.
The events of May started a avalanche of other events that lead me to believe that there were other issues that needed to be fixed. Between things that happened with 'Billy' and my lack of wanting to deal with all kinds of issues I've been drowning lately. My second session lead to a revelation of why I let men walk all over me and knowing the cause will be a help to stopping the problem.
That hasn't been the only thing my insurance has been covering. I don't know if I told you guys about the strep throat episode I went thru about 2-3 wks ago. Strep throat let me tell you sucks. The only thing that hurts more is an ear infection. Fluid in my ear has caused throbbing pain in one and constant popping in the other. Last night I came home and fell asleep at 6. I only woke up to watch Gray's Anatomy with Chris. Then I went back to bed to sleep of the fever I had. Chris I knew was up to something because he kept asking well is this going to affect your hearing and is the medicine your Dr. going to give you help right away. I promised I'd give him a call as soon as the Dr. gave me the answers.
The student Dr. who saw me (a hottie that went by the name of Steve Matta) said he didn't see anything in the ears. The ear wasn't red and that he saw nothing in it either. So what the heck was causing the pain? My Dr. walked in and looked in the ears and said she has translucent fluid in their. He gave me a decongestant for my ears. Sounds crazy but the stuff is crazy strong. So I called Chris and let him know I'm good not contagious not going to die not going to lose my hearing. All he said was good and let me go. Hmmmm...
An hour later he calls me again and says we have to be at the Rascal Flatts concert by 6:30. Left work an hour later and got my ass ready to party it up. So we met there and we weren't even sure about our seats since Chris got them thru a friend. She got us Suite tickets!!!! She got us all the free food we could want!!! She got us all the free drinks we could want!!!! She kept offering martinis that we kept turning down. Oh if only I were a drinker. When Rascal Flatts sang their second to last song What Hurts the Most. I realized something... the song that had been my anthem for a few monhs since May was a great song but I didn't hurt when I heard it. I've gotten over it. This concert was closure to everything. I can now go on with life and be happy with the things that are happening in my life! Imagine that!

pick pockets and spin the bottle

I must confess that the last few days have been rather wierd ones. Friday started off normal until I got to the train station when I got a call that made me decide to close my offices and head back home. I was really wanting to go back to bed but I decided to be productive. By eleven o'clock I had finished my work goals for the day. I decided to head out to the gym work out and maybe goof off some. The gym definatly released some endorphins. Then I walked back home and did some errands. When I got hom late in the afternoon I took a nap before going to a play at night. Before leavig I relized that my phone was missing. I thought I had dropped it. Then on Saturday I relized I was missing $ too. Then on Monday morning I realized my bus pass was missing too. I was pick pocketed. So now I have to budget myself for the rest of the month b/c I had to buy a new cell phone (retail price) and a new bus pass.
I could have let it get me down but I decided to screw it. Tonight I want to family home evening. Family home evening or fhe as we fondly call it is a bunch of college students from church who get together and do fun family activities togehter. We sort of created a family group while away from our real families. It was my turn to do the activity. I decided to do spin the bottle with a little 'Mormon' twist. Instead of kissing I told everyone we had to compliment the person the bottle pointed to. There were a lot of giggles throughout the night but there were more awws and thank yous. I think everyone left feeling appreciated by the end of the night. Someone didn't make my weekend bright but I was hoping I could help in making at least one person's night better.

Fall

So I've been swimming in my depression the last few days. I've been worried about it but not doing anything about it. Today Chris commited me to going to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in forever. Basically for fear of what might happen if I did go health wise that is.
So I went to the gym. I ran my little heart away on the machines. I left the gym and walked to the City Sports store and bought new running shoes and some running outfits. I decided to walk all the way home. I walked 2 1/2 miles to the CVS where I met up with carrie. and then we walked another 1/2 mile home.
I realized during my walk how great life is and that IT'S FALL OUT THERE! The Penn students were all over the place, it's the nicest weather and the leaves are changing color. Time to start swimming out of the depths of this stupidity I've been keeping myself in.
"Excercise releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy just don't kill their husbands. They just don't!" Elle Woods

Billy

So I think you guys have started to notice that I really like finding song lyrics that say how I feel about something at this moment in time. I'm changing Voldermort's name once again. We're going back to his old 'internet' name with a twist. He shall from now on be called Billy. Billy, as in James Blunt's song. I think they go well.
Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going).
Holds his head in disgrace (he can't escape the truth).
He knows the price that he's paid.
He admits that it's too late to admit that he's afraid.
Chorus
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going).
He's got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain).
He accepts it's his fate.
He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong.
Chorus
Once he was a lover sleeping with another.
Now he's just known as a cheat.
And he wish he'd had a mirror; looked a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak.
Chorus

Hear You Me

This song is about Carli Allen and her husband. She ran the Weezer fan club and both she and her husband died in a tragic car accident on their way back from a Weezer's concert. The couple was known for letting up and coming bands stay at their home when they had no where else to stay. It rang a chord with me b/c I haven't thanked all of you for all that you have done for me in the last four months. I'm finally coming out of a very dark place. I couldn't have survived without any of you and all you have done for me. I still have much to go but I've come a long way already.

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
Thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have the chance
If you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

Sexual Harrasment Against the Law

Every day I get sexually harrased by men who think they're actually going to get my attention and get me to go out with them by saying rude and crude comments. Here's an example: Walking to 30th St. Station two weeks ago a man with a velvet running suit stuck his head out of his Caddie and yelled "Nice tits baby". I turned around and cursed him out and let him know what I didn't like about his small anatomy. I won't go into details.
This is a daily occurence where a man thinks he can sexually harrass me. I've learned to flow with the blows. I ingnore them most of the time. I make loud and rude comments some times. If they really get to me I let them have it. The thing is I don't feel satisfied by it. I want something more to happen. I want something to happen to let them know that what they're doing isn't right. Today it finally happened.
I walked out of church crossed the street and put my iPod on. I heard a man yelling so I lowered down the volume. He was letting me know that he liked my 'jiggle'. I was going to ignore it until he let me know "yeah b*#@h I'm right behind you". No matter how strong they are with their harrasment no one has made as uncomfortable as I felt that moment. I looked around to see if I saw a Penn cop. Nothing but I knew they had to be around so I began walking a bit faster as his vulgarity continued. When I turned the block I saw the yellow shirt. Penn Campus cops hallelujah! I let her know the "man behind me is harrasing and yelling at me to the point of making me very uncomfortable." She asked me to stand there with her and let him pass. He took his time but he stopped and got in my face (literally) telling me some awful things. He hadn't noticed her. She was calling the Philadelphia Police only half a block away from us. When he realized what she was he was ready to kill me. She got in between him and told him she and I were just talking. She stalled him long enough for the Philadelphia cops to get there and arrest him. Finally I felt vindicated. A man finally got his for sexually harrasing me. I called all my girlfriends that have had to deal with the same stuff to let them know what had happened. We all had a good laugh.

Baltimore Snuggle Buddy

I caught the train to Wilmington to Philadelphia (it was practically free, nah it was free). In Wilmington my friend picked me up in the green VW Jetta. We drove to Baltimore. We dropped my luggage at the house and we headed to the Military base for a Labor Day weekend party. We ate, we talked, we played games.
When we went back home I got to know a family I had heard much of for a long time. They got to know the girl they had heard much of but never seen. It's a family of four sibilings and two parents. They were all home. I slept in my friends room. My friend slept with me. I'm used to my big bed and not having anyone to share it with. I thought I was going to have issues. I enjoyed sharing my bed with someone. I enjoyed waking up hugging someone. Tonight as I lay in my bed alone I realize how quickly I got used to someone's elses body next to mine at night. I miss it!

Getting my hair did

I have short hair. I have long hair. I have thick hair. I have thin hair. I have blonde hair. I have black hair. I have brown hair. I have red hair. I have straight hair. I have wavy hair. I have curly hair. My hair yeah I change it like I change my clothes. Recently I found a hair dresser that can keep up with my Joneses. She's a bit more then I used to pay but she knows what I want and she knows how to get it done. So I wasn't surprised this week when I walked in and she had the Best of Philly 2006 sign up in her receptionist area. She's on the Main line. If you live in the city catch the R5 to Ardmore. Cross the street the place is called Taglio's ask for Patty. She's the owner and she'll do wonders with your hair!

Not Latino Enough

There I was in the passenger seat of the car excited to see the bill board announcing the first ever Spanish FM station in Philadelphia. Mind you I wasn’t going to listen to it but it showed that the Latino community was finally showing it’s presence in this city despite all the hate shown towards us as of late.
Now you ask why I wasn’t going to listen to it. That’s a simple answer. No, the answer isn’t that I don’t listen to Spanish Music. I love the Latino artists that bring such great music to my life. The problem is that the station was advertising that they were going to play bachatas, regeton, and salsa. I’m more of a rock, pop, and even maybe the occasional blues listener when it comes to my Spanish music. I wanted to show support though so I politely asked if I could change the station. Music was good but not what I would normally listen. It wasn’t Juanes, or Jarabe de Palo but it was Spanish music blaring out of the radio. Then the commercials brought disappointment. “Only those of us who are truly Latino will listen,” was the message the first commercial gave. The second one “Listen only if you’re Latino enough,” it blared. I changed the station angered.
I knew I wasn’t going to listen to the station after today but wow that’s offense for them to say that you weren’t a true Latino if you didn’t listen to the station. I pulled the mirror and looked at myself in it. Yeah my skin was still a honey tone. My eyes were still so dark they almost seemed black. Yes my hair was filled with blonde highlights but you could still see my dark hair. My nose was what my mom always described as the typical Hispanic’s nose. My cheekbones that I love so much were still high showing my ‘Indian’ heritage.
This wasn’t the first time that I had heard that I wasn’t Latino enough. In May while eating lunch at a certain beach in a certain Florida city I was told the same thing. So let me list what the stereotypical Latino does hence not making me Latino enough to the white man or the colored man.
A Latino:
Only listens to music with a heavy African rhythm (rock music)
Eats spicy foods like jalapenos even if it isn’t good for their digestive system (jalaquien?)
Eats diary products even if they’re lactose intolerant (not unless I have my lactaid pills)
Drinks coffee like it’s going out of style (Starbucks should sell more Caramel Apple Cider)
They’re defiantly Catholic! (Mormon Thank You very much)
Has straight pokey hair (Curly or wavy depending on the humidity that day)
Thick hair (yeah but I know a bunch of old ladies that are going bald)
Is loud (ok this one I am)
Pronounces z’s like x’s (ok again I fall under this category too)
Wear colorful clothes (mostly black wardrobe)
Get married at a young age (matriquien?)
Have tons of children (I have none and 3 is too many for me when I do have them)
Curvy women (keep comments to self folks)
Only good enough to be a maid ( I’m a social worker now a days)
Falls in love w/ the white man (I’ve dated all colors loved all colors)
It angers me that ppl don’t see me as Latino or Hispanic ‘enough’. At the end of the day though I am what I am and that’s a proud Latina who fights for her peoples rights and has lost and gained much b/c of that.

The Disappearing Apartment

A very close friend and I were comparing notes on our relationships gone bad situations. We realized that even though our situations were somewhat different there were many similarities. He and I were talking about it right before I headed off to bed. As I read my book in bed after talking to him I began to think on how life has changed thanks to a relationship gone terribly wrong.
The first month I ran away. Even though I knew I had to come back to the apartment where the ghost of it all lived I was happy being away from it that first month. The memories were still too raw for me to live in my apartment and try to get over it all. It was great not being alone too as I got over the hurt. When I moved back into my apartment there was a sense of change in both my house and in me. Part of the change was of course the car full of stuff I had acquired while I was away but there was more then that I had changed in that month too.
The first change that happened was in my bathroom. Isn’t that the weirdest place to start a change? I took down the old nasty head shower and put in a brand new one in. It’s one of those five speed ones that you can remove from its place and have the water reach anywhere you want. You may insert your dirty thoughts in now! It gives off more water and it honestly is just prettier all around to look at. It made my bathroom a place of refuge and I left it happier.
Then I concentrated in the main room of the house, the living room. The first thing that disappeared was the dining set that I had. I used it more as a table that held all of my paperwork for my job and anything I didn’t know where to place. I hardly ate on it and the memory of eating breakfast on it angered me every time I saw it. The table went to a friend’s house and a beautiful grayish-green love seat took its place. A lamp was put next to the seat. Suddenly I have found my new work station. I either sit or lay on the couch as I work on my laptop everyday. Then there was the purple area rug that matched the painting on my mantle. Finally I said screw the TV and the DVD player and gave them away to be replaced by a HDTV and a DVR. Yeah I upgraded the living room. The upgrade wasn’t what mattered though it was the feeling of a new home while staying in the old one. It was having things that reminded me of everything removed by ones that I could create new memories with.
A week ago I started working on the bedroom. A lot of things were thrown out from the bedroom. All of my old pillows were tossed out into the garbage to be replaced by newer ones. Sounds like a weird change I know but each time I used one of those pillows I would think is this one he used or was this one of mine. Today I went online to The Company Store and bought three sets of bedding. The summer sets that I owned brought the want to vomit each time I saw them. The pillows have brought a great sense of comfort at night. The new set I put out changes the room into a room that I don’t recognize. It makes me happy. The old apartment that held so many miserable memories is slowly disappearing being taken over by a new happy apartment that reflects the new happy me that is emerging.

Check #1159

I had a check that Voldermort gave me for the trip we took to Tampa. Even though I asked for him to pay his half of the trip in cash when he arrived to Philly so I didn't have to keep using my credit card he didn't do that. He kept giving me bits and pieces of what he owed me the whole trip. I felt like a kept woman (and not in a good way)! He had to think about giving me an amount each time. The morning he left the apartment he gave me a check for the rest of what he owed me.
I'm not good with checks, I'll be honest. Depositing a check means taking time out of my busy schedule to go to the bank. God created direct deposit and Checkcards for a reason and it was so I didn't have to continue going to the bank. So at first I didn't deposit it because I was so busy but then I couldn't find it. I lost the damn check somewhere between moving in and out of my apartment. This weekend I found it. Even though I'm not hurting for $ I thought I wasn't going to let him get away with only paying for two-thirds of his vacation. I talked it over with about a handful of people and they all told me that since it's been three months I had to let him know it was going to be deposited. No biggie right? I mean he hasn't replied to any of my important e-mails so why this one? I let him know it was a curtious e-mail to let him know the check was being deposited.
The mother-fucker replied! He had the balls. Tuvo los cojones (sorry I had to say that in another language to make sure I got it out there). He replied. I'm ill and might die no response your check is finally deposited a response. He thanked me for letting him know. He didn't even address me by name. Then he had even bigger balls. He hoped I was doing well was his closing remark. What I wanted to reply but for my own sanity didn't is the following:
Voldermort,
Like I said this was a curtious e-mail I still stand that we should NEVER AGAIN have any contact. I don't believe you'll change from being a scumbag who uses women, degrades them and then moves on to her friends. Of course you didn't realize the check hadn't been deposited because as soon as you left Philadelphia you made sure to erase all belief that I existed. Oh and by the way you Hope? No you have no right to hope for anythng that has to do with me. You lost all right to hope anything for me when I called and e-mailed you about what you did to me and never replied. You sorry bastard the only hope that you can have is that I can forigve you enough to not tell your current girlfriend what you really are. Love Always (I mean that sarcastically so don't get your hopes up)
Me
PS I hope your little dick falls off! Yeah it's little I lied when I said it was 'average'

Not ready to make nice meets Hey Jealousy

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy to me. I know that I have to forgive people after a while but it doesn’t just happen at the flip of a hat. Forgetting is another thing. Once you have wronged me I never forget what it is that you did. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice… The only thing that helps me to completely forgive is time but sometimes or should I say most of the time it takes a very long time. Right now I’m working on forgiving two people for what they’ve done to me. It’s not an easy process.
With the one person he made me doubt myself and as unforgivable as that is that’s not what he did wrong. Doubting myself was something I had to do but it’s the things he did to get me to doubt myself that anger me. That mistake had a price for both of us and it was the lose of what I thought was a great friendship. I’m hoping that with person number two it doesn’t go that far.
From what I can tell they’re both ready to have me forgive them. The thing is I’m not ready to make nice. In my eyes they both started a fight and I had to fight back. Now that the fight turned ugly thanks to me they’re crying uncle. Maybe he’s forgiven me for my part in everything. Well Once I get in a fight I don’t back down easily. Once I get mad as hell I don’t let it go easily. I like the feeling that anger gives me.
Why am I like this?
The ugly girl hates the pretty one. The fat girl hates the skinny one. The curvy girl and the flat girl hate one another. The slow learner hates the smart person sitting next to them. We all have jealousies. I was an awkward child. I had a massive learning disability, English was my second language, I wasn’t pretty at all and I was sociably awkward. I had much to be jealous of when I saw other kids. I worked through my learning disability. It’s still there but I learned to work with it to the point that people don’t realize I have one when I’m working near them. I’ve spoken about how I worked on my English. I learned that beauty is only skin deep and that there were beauty aids. I get my hair done once a month I’m addicted to make-up and I learned how to make clothes work in my favor. I learned to love my body and those things that I didn’t like at the end of the day I worked on. I lose serious weight a year ago. People look at me now and they think they are looking at a well put together person. Inside I’m still that awkward little girl. So when someone attacks me they’re really attacking that little girl. How can someone attack a little girl that cries herself to sleep every night? Now you understand why I can’t forgive so easily.

She's a Keeper

Any woman well tell you that the worst annual visit that they have to do is the Ob-Gyn. I hate them. Before this year I hadn't seen one in three years but after Tampa I've been in and out of Ob-Gyn's offices lately. I went to see my old Ob-Gyn originally and I still hated him. So I went and found myslef a new Ob-Gyn. She's a keeper! She talked to me for half an hour about my major issues. Told me about some new meds I can take for some of my health issues and during the exam she did everything right. Like I always say either a straight woman or a gay man. Now I have both! A straight female Ob-Gyn and and a homosexual male PCP. I living the good life! Minus the part where I've seen an Ob-Gyn so many times this year and even more by the end of it. I haven't had my vajayjay looked at so much in a long time.

City Like

I finally did it! I've become one of those city people that watches movies and plays for free at her local park. They'd been announcing it in the city free paper all week and I decided to go and see it. 12th Night starting at 7 until it was over in complete darkness. Next Friday they're showing a Charlie Chaplin movie and you guessed I'm there. Hmmmm I can't leave this neighborhood now I truly do love the fact that they do this all summer.

Taxicab Drivers

The heat has been excruciating lately. I usually walk or bike it everywhere when I'm traveling inside the city. The weather hasn't lent itself to that lately. Walking more then two blocks leaves a pool of sweat behind me. Having had someone lose the key to the lock on my bike I can't even bike it. So I've been catching taxis more then I usually do.
I don't like to catch taxis very often because I feel like I'm being lazy. The other reason I don't like taxis is the idiots that tend to drive them. I don't know what the deal is but the drivers tend to be morons. To prove my point I tell you these two stories.
I had a meeting a bit over a mile from my house. I usually walk there but because of the heat I was slow in getting prepared and refused to walk to the building. I was going to walk to the nearest street that I know taxi drivers frequent. Four blocks before I got to the street a taxi was stopping at the stop sign. I signaled to him and told him to drop me off at 40th and Chestnut as close to the Ronald McDonald House as possible. Simple instructions right? Any smart taxi driver would have known to leave me on the left side of Chestnut between 40th and 39th. He left me between 41st and 40th and on the right side. As he gives me my change he compliments my perfume and started asking me for locating information on me. I took my change and got out while slamming the door. What the hell?
Today I took the day off from work. It was one of those mental health day type deals. I decided to go do some grocery shopping. Again I decided to take a taxi back home. The guy started asking me if I was vacation how long I had taken off from vacation and all kinds of stuff that wasn't any of his business. Again left me at the corner of the street like his counterpart. This guy was giving me the creeps so I didn't say anything but hand him the fair. He owed me four dollars but only gave me two back. I always tip and I believe I usually over tip so this guy took me by surprise that he took his own tip out! What the hell is going on with taxi cab drivers lately?

Trophy Wife

February 22
I had president's day off so I decided to use it wisely. I had plans of cleaning my house and going to the gym and catching up on things like writing my friends and all that such none sense. I even thought that I could get some arts and crafts in something along the lines of scrap booking or starting a painting.
First things first of course and after waking up I got in my gym clothes and caught the trolley to the gym. I got on the tread mill and set it up for an hour of running uphill the whole way. I put in my head set and began running in my target heart rate for as long as I could. Suddenly as I was listening to Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm I felt someone looking at me. I turned my head and there was Mike, the gym's personal trainer director. I took my head set off and smiled at him.
"Didn't mean to startle you," he said.
"It takes more then that to startle me. What's up?"
"Just wanted to say hi," he smiled at me. I smiled back but was suspicious. Mike had never talked to me before. I knew that he was interested in Megin my former personal trainer and friend.
"That's nice of you. You must be dying working here on the holiday knowing everyone that's coming in has the day off," I made idle chit chat.
"It's part of the job," he was looking at the monitor on the tredd mill.
"I'm keeping my target heart rate," I ackwnowledged.
"Obvious?"
"I'm a therapist it's my job to pay attention to the body language and read between the lines without the person realizing it unless I want them to," I gave him another smile. Did he know that I was telling him I knew he was only talking to me to pump information out of me?
"Any plans for the rest of the day?" he changed the subject,or had he?
"After the gym I have two small errands to run in the city and then I'm going back to University City," I took my water bottle.
"What are you doing in the city?"
"Buying a birthday present for a freind and I brought Megin's Christmas present with me. I've had it for several months and I need to give it to her before it's Easter," I decided to cut the chase.
"Where does she work again?"I thought that he didn't know.
"You know around Urban Outfitter and Ann Taylor," I smiled at hm innocently. I gave him a two block area. With all the stores and her odd schedule he would have a hard time finding her.
"You're doing good at keeping a pace to keep your target hear rate," he pointed at the monitor. He realized I wasn't giving him any information.
"Megin and Joe taught me well. If they hadn't I wouldn't lost all the weight I did!" I was always proud of talking about my weight loss.
"Yes Megin always told me about how great you were doing. I told her once that I thought you'd be great trophy wife material if you didn't fight it so much," I turned to look at him. I realized he thought he was paying me a compliment. Instead I was offended but I wasn't going to let him know or was I?
"So I'm going to try to keep this going. It was nice talking to you. I'll see you next time I'm in here," I put my headset back on and put the volume up higher. I turned to him and smiled and then looked towards the TV.
When I was done my excercise routine I ran down to the locker room and changed into my street clothes. I decided to be trophy wife material the rest of the day. The rest of my day began at Tiffany's where I bought the present and ended in Ann Taylor wehre I bought several pairs of strappy shoes. While at Arden B. I looked myself in the mirror and told myself I was too smart to let myself ever become anyone's trophy wife. The man who saw only that in me would never become my trophy husband!
Update:
So yeah I still don't want to be a trophy wife! What has changed has been my obsession with becoming a size 2. At the moment I fluctuate between a 4 and a 6 and I'm happy. I no longer walk around unhappy because I can't eat the foods I love. I pig out on home made ice cream every time Kevin makes it. I have a small pouch and instead of hating it I have come to terms with it. All the excercise in the world isn't going to change my body type into a body type I am not. I'm curvy that's who I am I've accepted it. I don't go to the gym as often as I used to either. What has brought this incredible change? Tampa did. By the time I got to Tampa I was going to the gym twice a day and doing mad exercises. Yes I lost tons of weight and I was almost at the coveted size 2 but I was miserable. Everytime I accidently forgot to eat one of my 6 meals my blood sugar would go crazy. I hated anyone that could eat real meals. Finally as great as my body was I was still rejected by a man. It's not your body I realized and I changed my attitude.

Good News is I'm not Pregnant

February 17
I've been seeing the same Dr. for five years. He's one of the longest relationships I've been in. He's a great Dr. and I actually enjoy when I go see him. Here's a sentence you've probably never heard before: I have fun when I go see my doctor. Dr. Vladyka and I had a rocky begining but now we're like old friends.
Yesterday I made an emergency appointment with him. It usually takes a week to get an appointment with him but he squeezed me in so I could see him an hour after I called.
"That's a great color combination," he said pointing at my gym clothes. Oh I forgot to mentionTodd Vladyka, DO a man of Russian descent and a great sense of style is also gay.
"Thanks, I like to call this ensemble my gym clothes," I smiled at him.
"You're going to the gym?"
"Like my new religion," I giggled at him.
"You don't look sick and you're a month early for your annual check-up," he looked at my medical chart.
I began explaining to him the reason that I was in to see him. He looked at me and listened and shook his head at the right moments. My hands were trembling as I spoke to him and I fought for my voice not to crack. The emotions of a week had been building up and threatening to escape from me.
"Are you pregnant?" he asked when I finally finished speaking.
I laughed as I told him, " you need to check that chart that you're holding."
"Yes I remember but it could be a possiblity," he explained to me.
"I thought you'd want me to take a pregnancy test but I just had to protest otherwise it wouldn't be me," I sighed.
"Yes that's in my chart too," he thumbed through it and winked at me.
"Give me the cup,"I reached my hand towards him as he went into the cupboard to take the specimen cup out.
"Do you remember where the bathroom is?"
"I've only done this every time you think I might be pregnant. Even though you know I never am," I mumbled under my breath.
"Good there you are come into the lab with that," he motioned me to the room thre doors down from the bathroom as I went into the hall.
"This is disgusting," I said looking into the cup.
"Here are the strips put that in the sink and we'll get this done," he said showing me where the sink was.
"Can I do it?' I asked enthustiastically.
"Do you know how to do it?"
"Stick the strip in the speciment not past the blue stripe give it 60 seconds for it to tell me if I'm with child or not," I said smuggly.
"Nursing school make you this smug?" he lifted an eyebrow at me.
"Only as much as Medical School made you smug, " I winked at him.
"There you go one line answer, " he said pointing to the strip.
"Surprise, surprise it's negative," I rolled my eyes. I knew that it would be but a part of me wanted it to be positive. It was silly because I knew that it was impossible.
"So we're going to do some blood test and I'll prescribe something to make you feel a bit better," he took out his prescription pad as we walked back to the medical suite.
"Now next month when you come in for your annual we'll get you on birth control and I'll give you a referral to the specialist so you can talk to her about children. It's not impossible if you really want to have them someday. I know that you're not at that place yet but someday you wil and we might as well get you ready now," he explained.
"i've always wanted them," I bit my lip. Suddenly not having the option I realized that I had always wanted them. When it was an optiion that I thought could be possible in the future I never even thought of it.
"I have faith that you'll fix me when the day comes that I truly want children. Even if it means that I have to adopt I know you'll help me the dream become a reality," I hugged him and snatched the prescriptions from his hand.
"You've always loved the drugs," he laughed.
"I didn't start loving them until you starting prescribing them," I smiled at him and then winked before walking out the room.
"See you in a month," he told me before I opened the door out of the office. I smiled to myself it was good to know that the person that held the keys to making my dreams come true was also my friend.
Update:
I took another pee test recently and this one came out positive. Positive for blood and for protein. It wasn't a pregnancy test it was to see if I had a UTI. Like clock work of course my Dr. began freaking out and had me take a million test that I should have known would come out negative. The thing is sometimes when he gets going he gets me worried and I go along with him. I think it's wonderful that my doctor is a drama queen!

Confessions of a lip whore

December 12, 2005
Airports:
I was flipping through channels and stopped on HBO showing Love Actually. At the end Hugh Grant has a monologue about airports and kissing. That got me thinking and it dawned on me the last three guys I've kissed have kissed me in the airport at least once.
It all started with Bill. His real name is not Bill but I've always thought he looks like a Bill. When I used to have dreams of him I called him Bill. Bill and I have been friends for a long time and at some point we became kissing friends. Bill was visiting town and I went to hang out with him for a bit and we ended up kissing. My one day visit ended up being a three day visit with him. I dropped him off at the airport when he left and I found myself kissing him right there. I've never been a PDA person but for some reason I was all about it that day. Our good-bye kiss was full of lust and confusion. It was the best last kiss I ever gave some one.
Then there was Ken. This is his real name. Ken and I were co-workers for four years before we started dating. he was a great marriage candidate in writing. Ken was a doctor and was in the reserves for the Air Force. I soon realized that even though he was 12 years older then me I was more mature. Ken got called to Iraq. I still have the clipping of us kissing good-bye. This too was a last kiss. I think both Ken and I realized that we were mutually breaking up that day as he got on that plane to Iraq. Soon after someone told me he had gotten a girl in his team pregnant. I was happy for them!
Joe has also gotten an airport kiss. Joe has gotten several airport kisses. He's the only one that hasn't been a last kiss. These kisses are filled with whatever emotion we're feeling that day. Once we were angry at each other and the kiss was filled with resentment. When he left to school I was estatic for him but he was nervous making it an awkward kiss. The last airport kiss was a sweet and gentle kiss since we knew that we would be seeing each other very soon.
I've come to realize in my 13 years of kissing that kisses are like people each one is unique. There have been kisses that I have forgotten and there are kisses that are forever in my memory. My first kiss is a pefect example of kisses I shan't foget. I can remember my first kiss with every guy I've kissed. Someone once asked me if that wasn't a lot of kisses to remember. I responded that kisses are like friends you can never have enough of them and I'm a friendly person. I hope that someday I can be eternally monogomous in my kissing but until then I will continue filling my memories with moments and feeling evoked by someone kissing me.
Update:
I hate airports but most of all I hate Amtrak and Amtrak stations. How did this happen? You can blame it on Bill. Let's remember that Bill isn't his real name but now a days I'm not even calling him Bill I call him Voldermort (he who won't be mentioned). Our last kiss was a good night kiss and also a good-bye kiss. It was in my home but the reason I made it a good bye kiss was for all the things he did to me while on an Amtrak tain. I saw him to the airport but only because I believed it to be the polite thing to do. Neither of us attempted a kiss there. I didn't do it because I felt I'd throw up if I did kiss him. It is sad that such a long friendship would come to such a screeching halt but that is life. Some day I will be able to have completly forgiven Voldermort but for now I believe that the further away we are from one another and the least amount of contact the better. So there comes the end of Airport kissing for me

Flat is Better

November 06 2005
Yeah I know what all you dirty minds are thinking but that's not what I was talking about!
SEPTA (Phillies public trans.) is on strike again. I have a bike but I haven't ridden since high school and I never rode in a big city before. I almost got killed on the way home Friday. I was going downhill on the bike going too fast. A car tapped me bad, if he hadn't breaked and I hadn't breaked when we did I would not be alive. I called my boss crying and scared, he told me to come to his house.
I'm staying at his house until the stirke is over.
The phone rang I turned over it wasn't on the night stand. I picked up the pillows and found the phone. It was only 10:30. I picked up but I was not happy. When I had done with the conversation I put on my pajamas and left the room. I felt myself still shaky from the day before.
"Morning!" Howell said.
"I'm not a morning person sorry someone woke me up!" I yawned. I looked into the pantry and decided to make pancakes.
"Do you want chocolate chip pancakes?'
"Farina" I didn't want Farina but I wasn't going to make two breakfasts.
"Left over Challah should I make Challah french toast," I yawned again.
"with the Farina should be good," Howell looked at me. I knew that he noticed that I was a mess and that I was still shocken up from the night before.
Within ten minutes the two of us had made breakfast and set the table. We both read the newspaper as we ate breakfast we often commented on our articles and made several grunts to one another.
We cleaned up when we were done breakfast and as quick as we made it we cleaned up after ourselves. I'm going to finish wrapping the Christmas presents would you be offended if I did the yard today?"
"No,'" he answered walking to his office,
I cried to myself as I wrapped gifts. I hit the shower when the last of the 50 gifts for my clients was packed. Instead of showering and getting dressed, I showered and put my gym clothes on. The rest of the day I raked I plowed picked every leaf out of the 1 acre house. Suddenly I realized I was happy I was tired and mosst of all my frustrations were gone, as I packed the five 40 gallon bag of leaves.
It was 5 hrs of hard work later when I walked in to my new glass home. As I went to my room to change Howell came back in from a long day of trying to find peopwl to invest money in our agency.
"Dinner?"
"I was about to change and rummage for it!" I headed to the wing with the rooms.
When I came back out I was told to get my coat we were to eat dinner out. I realized how a hard days work had made me tired and able to forget my near death experience. I was happy again.

Tears of Love

The car's headlights were on so I could take a picture of the two of them. The rain made it hard to see what we were doing. We had stood out in the rain for twenty minutes just standing there no one willing to say good-bye. The only thing we could do to not speak yet justify our standing in the rain getting drenched was continue hugging one another.
"You'll be here when I come back in two years... Actually I expect if nothing at least a wedding invitation from you,'' he pointed at me. "You," he pointed at Andrea now, "you'll be here!" they hugged once more.
I tilted my head and looked at the person standing away from the three of us. Ryan had called me at least three times before Andrea had come to my apartment to stay the weekend. He wanted to make sure that he saw her before he left. Saturday night/ Sunday morning flashed through my memories.
"I'm not standing out there in the middle of the ghetto to wait for anyone. I love Ryan but a lady doesn't stand in the corner especially for a man," we both rolled our eyes at the thought.
We both jumped out of the car when we saw his sedan. We all hugged and ten minutes later we were headed back to University City to eat at Marathon Grill. The waiter thought we were high. We didn't smell of alchohol so we had to have been high the way we giggled the way we laughed the way our jokes only made sense to the three of us. "Do you want to sleep over at my place?" I asked naturally after Andrea and I wrestled him for the bill and lost. "How can we pay you back for dinner?" Andrea winked at him.
"You can wait for me till I come back," he winked back.
Everyone was fighting the need to sleep that nagged at us like a mom who refused to be ignored when we arrived to my apartment. We finally went to bed at 4 but by 8 Andrea and I were talking. I refused to let her sleep I hadn't seen her in two weeks and we were dancing then we hadn't talked like we had done before in three months. We giggled as we stood in my kitchen looking at him sleep on my living room floor. We stared at him till he woke up. Soy milk and Chex was breakfast.
We still stood in the rain trying to find an excuse to stay with one another just a few minutes longer. We talked about eating once more but what could be opened so late? I looked at the lonesome figure by the gate and knew that it was too late to eat. I was the same size as my skinny friends only because of that figure and I knew that dinner at 10 was not something that we should do but if that's what we had to do to stay together just a few more minutes... We kept staring at each other everyone deciding how to stay together just a little longer. One more group hug and finally one of us was brave enough to say it.
"I have to go before I start crying," he began walking backwards towards his car after he said it. There was water running down my cheeks and it wasn't the rain.
"Don't!" Andrea yelled.
"I"m not," I yelled back.
"If you start crying I'll cry too," it was to late there was tears rolling down her cheeks now.
Ryan's car had already left the parking lot. We got in the car she and I yelling at one another that we weren't going to cry. The more we said it the more we cried. Two years before the person who gave us the best memories for the last year would return to us. No where to park for anyone when we got to my block. The hazards were put on. The car behind us went past us when he knew that we were safely home. Andrea and I got all her stuff in the living room as we both kept denying the fact that we were crying.
"I'll come visit soon," were her last words with her duffle bag and five shopping bags in her hands.
For the first time in three days I went in to a completly empty apartment to shed my first tears not of anger or frustration but of love

Memories

This winter I had a very scary experience. I went out running before work and I didn't warm up. In the middle of my run I felt my left knee buckle it hurt so bad that I limped my way back home. That was on Wednesday; thinking that it was a sprain I waited until Sunday night to head to the ER. I had a torn medial meniscus which basically means I tore into the disc that keeps my tibia rubbing on my knee cap. Later on after an MRI we also found out that I had sprained the Medial Collateral Ligament. The website below details some of the things that I have had to go through to heal from my injury.
http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/cybertherapist/front/knee/medialmeniscus.htm
In order for me to be able to deal with the pain my knee doctor gave me pain meds and then shot me up with Steroids directly to the knee. Those of you that know me know I hate needles so it wasn't pretty getting those shots. The 'roids did wonders for me. I was able to go back to a half normal life where I couldn't excercise much, or go up and down stairs if I could help it. The good doc forgot to mention the fact that the 'roids make you gain weight and weight I gained. Without realizing it I gained 30 lbs.
A month ago when my 'fat jeans' (if you're a girl you know what I'm talking about) didn't zip up I threw a hissy fit. Seven hours later I found myself signing a contract for Bally's and paying for a personal trainer.
Joe is my personal trainer who has become my new best friend. Even Emily has to agree that a man that makes you lose 10lbs in a month dethrowns your best friend as the most special person in your life at the moment. I love Joe. I love how he tells me I'm going to be swim suit magazine material. I love how he screams at me to get my butt in gear when I've cheated on my diet or excercise routine. I love how he looks into my eyes with his big brown eyes with those large curly eyelashes and tells me 'this is a life style change that will make you happy and proud of yourself'. I love that no matter what he always compliments me and tells me I'm doing great; he's my personal trainer and yes I know that's why I pay him but I've seen other personal trainers and they're not that nice.
Unfortunately not all the weight loss and not all the compliments Joe gives me saves me from my memories. Today after 45 min. at the gym I walked home bouncing my short curly hair. I was about half a mile away from home walking up hill when it happened. There was a guy going into one of the Penn Housing Apts. he was wearing Cool Water and there the memories kicked in.: Josh hugging me;Josh telling me he loved me; Josh letting me cry on his shoulder and then Josh not showing up to his birthday party; Josh telling me he wanted nothing to do with me which lead to the feelings of being worthless because my best friend (not Emily she wouldn't do this to me EVER) had rejected me. Somehow that memory of rejection lead to my remembering Fourth of July 2004: I was being hugged by Bill (names changed to protect the not so innocent maybe even guilty) he hadn't shaved and as he was about to kiss me he rubbed his face on mine and then we kissed. Memories of us kissing on the couch, the living room floor, his bedroom, the pool all came back too. Now Josh and Bill were so different and yet in my mind I seemed to hold them in the same light. The only difference being that instead of waiting for Bill to reject me I rejected his friendship two months ago. He didn't seem to care that I did it but I hurt for doing it and I hope that if Bill ever reads this he understands why I did it and that not all the improvements I make to myself physically to raise my self esteem will erase the fact that I was rejected by someone that was once my world and that I can not have that happen again and that's why I hurt him before he had the opportunity to hurt me. Forgive me!
Update:
Bill forgave me and soon after we mended our friendship. The funny thing was I shouldn't have mended that friendship because in the end on a little trip to Tampa he did break my heart and rejected my friendship. Moral of the lesson is always go with your gut feeling.

The next few days I'll be adding some old blogs from last year when I was blogging on MSN. They'll slowly be coming up as I try to take the time to add them.

ESL

Being that English was my second language and people always made fun of my language skills when I was little I figured I had to speak better then everyone around me. I started by trying to learn proper grammar. I quickly learned to say things like, this is she, when people asked to talk to Lupe on the phone. My second hill to climb was to pronounce things correctly. This was hard growing up in a Spanish speaking home where my mom didn’t speak English and where all my school friends came from immigrant parents. In 6th grade I had this teacher who would poke fun of the students who mispronounced words. By then I was trying to speak without an accent with a vengeance. Finally I had to enlarge my vocabulary. The only way I knew that my vocabulary could grow was through reading. I loved books but my favorite book was a dictionary. Every time I came across an unknown word Mr. Dictionary would come out and I’d learn how to pronounce it and what it meant. By the time I got to high school my friends would pay me money to pretend to be their parents and call the school to say they would be out on days we felt like cutting.
When I grew up and became a social worker the way I spoke became a negative once more. Instead of being accepted by my clients they were very weary of me. When they didn’t think I could hear them they would call me ‘white girl’. Once more I had to learn how to speak to be accepted by those I was serving. I had to learn how to speak ‘ghetto’ or as they would say ‘you just don’t know how to talk black’. The day that I broke was when one of my white clients called me white girl. When I explained to her that I was Hispanic and she was white everyone laughed and said no she’s black. I got it that day it was the willingness to accept them and to be open to them. Once again I had to learn how to speak. Quickly I learned new terminology to understand and to be understood by my clients. I learned that I had to use the same practices I used when I was younger when I learn a new word I have to immediately start using it. Yesterday a new word was given to me by a friend: Benefitship.
Benefitship: A particular type of connection existing between people to help or aide one another sexually.
Now come on people we’ve all been in them! We have different names for them but we’ve all had one before. You know that friend when you need some loving without any of the commitment. I recently got out of one myself. He was once a friend who turned to a benefit and then turned to someone who made me detest myself. So what do you do when you end a benefitship? You learn to live without it and when you can’t handle it you find someone to snuggle with while watching MIB, after sitting in the hot tub for awhile. Is there a word for benefits without a relationship?

New Memory Project

Everytime that you leave someone behind you're told that you need to create new memories where you have old memories with that person. I recenlty let go of someone who meant a lot in my life. The thing is everything had memories so how do you create new memories out of everything? I started by getting rid of anything that brought strong emotions. Then everytime something brought a memory I put on my list of places or things I needed to make a new memory with.
Last night I was invited to go to the Mann Center and since I had an old strong memory of this person there I jumped on the opportunity to create new memories. For those of you not from Philly the Mann Center is an Open Theater for the Arts. The really good seats and the stage are the only thing that have a roof and the only walls are those on the stage. It's only open in the Summer but it's a fun place to go. Having memories of when I used to have a crush on Valdemort (this will be his name from hence forth b/c he is he that will not be mentioned) at the Mann I knew it was important to make new memories there. Last night was amazing! I heard two concerti one by Brahams and the other by Bethoven. Looking at the booklet we saw that tonight they were going to have a Buggs Bunny musical and we all knew we wanted to go!
This is where all the knew memories began. Thursday night was amazing and I had memories of going with friends and pretending to be fashion police but tonight was something to erase anything off of the map. We ate dinner in the picnic area of the Mann and then snuck to the $80 seats when we bought tickets for the $30 seats... sneaky we are. They began playing classics from Bugs Bunny but not the cartoons yet and then I felt it, I can never forget it... PLOP right on my head. I looked up to figure out where the drop of water came from but there was pressure on my head this wasn't a rain drop... I didn't dare touch my hair.
"Kevin? I just got shit on didn't I?"
Kevin's reply "Yup," as he surpressed a laugh.
"Tissue?"
"Just go to the bathroom and clean it up," this time he did laugh.
I just took my mirror and my emergency Kleenex out and cleaned my hair I didn't want to miss any of the concert. When I was done cleaning up I concentrated on the concert. Then I heard the PLOP again but this time I didn't feel anything drop on me. I turned to look at Kevin with a smile on my face but Kevin wasn't smiling back.
"Ok that's it I'm moving," I announced as I got up from my seat. Everyone laughed but everyone followed as I got us better seats in the center of the theater.
Watching Bugs Bunny on the big screen as the music was played by a live Orchestra was amazing. Eating on the lawn an hour before the concert was great. The fireworks that they had afterwards were spectacular! But how many people do you know that can say they got shit on at the Orchestra? Well besides the couple that took our seats afterwards. New memories I think I did a good job!

The Betrayal

With his rusted knife
He stabbed her,
He wounded her.
With her hands
She covered herself
In shame,
Until she saw her hands,
She saw her bloody hands.
She looked towards him
As she cried in pain.
His back was turned
from her.
She looked at herself
As each wound bled.
She despaired as each puncture
Infested itself with hatred.
My heart,
She cried,
Holds no hope.
She cried to the man,
The man who turned his back on her,
When all she had offered,
Was her love

What Hurts The Most

I'm a city girl who's learned to love certain country singers. My best friend introduced me to Rascal Flatts a few years back and when their new CD came out I was excited little did I know how close to home this song would hit:
"WHAT HURTS THE MOST" by: Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then, and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone, still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm okay but that's now what gets me
(CHORUS):
What hurts the most, was bein' so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was trin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you
Everywhere I go, but I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed
Livin' with this regret, but I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved
In my heart, that I left unspoken
(CHORUS)Is what I was tryin' to do
(CHORUS)Is what I was tryin' to do

The only reason Iowa rocks

I'm in love! If you know me you know that this doesn't happen very easily or very often. I'm very picky of who I let into my heart. There have been too many heart breaks so now I'm cautious but none the less I've fallen in love.

How does a girl that has grown up in big cities all her life fall for a boy from a small town close to Des Moines Iowa? It began with his eyes. They were big and brown and oozed out something that told me I could trust him. Then there were his lips. They were small but perfectly shaped so that I knew that a kiss from him would be something I would melt from.Then there his boyish looks... His boyish looks I could go on forever. I could see his chiseled chest and the six pack that lay underneath what he wore but when I finally saw him w/o a shirt I was still left speechless.

Damn that Louis Lane!Damn that Kate Bosworth! Superman or that is Brandon Routh,I'd become a fair maiden in distress any day if it insured me just one touch from him.

Hate

It eats at me
It stunts my growth
It weighs me down
I hate myself for having it
but it won't go away
I blame you
For I wouldn't feel this way
If you wouldn't fuel it day by day.

Shacked up

I've been living with someone for a bit less then a month now. It wasn't something I was planning it just sort of happened. All my friends tell me it's about time I made it official since I practically lived here already. My response: it's officially unofficial that I'm living here. It's only temporary I should be back in my apartment in two weeks tops (but I don't believe the construction workers to be honest).
I've missed my apartment on somedays. I've missed being able to go somewhere that belonged to no one but me. I miss making decisions on my own. Tonight after a dinner party at the house we discussed if the finger food should be put in the refrigarator or if we should toss it. This would have been a spur of the moment decision if I was living on my own. Tonight it took about 2 min. to figure it out.
The wierd part? I'm actually enjoying it! I thought that I would miss having alone time and what comes with it. It's been the complete opposite. I've loved waking up and eatting breakfast with someone and telling them my plans and hear theres. I've enjoyed having someone to talk to at the end of the day and tell them what made the day good or bad. I've especially liked the hugs I get when I'm found crying in the living room and the understanding that comes with it. Each night deciding where we're eating dinner and if we stay home what we're going to eat. Cooking dinner has been so much fun and knowing that I can do it becuase someone else will wash the dishes makes life great.
Am I enjoying this becuase I can forget some of my problems? Am I trying to erase the past by concentrating on this? At first I did come here in hope of running away from my recent life events. I must say that it has actually helped face things in a better way. Instead of coming home and wallowing in my sorrows I have to be proactive and do things. I'm not one of those persons that can just sit there and do nothing when I'm being watched. This has helped me get my act together. I'm doing everything that I have to do to get things up and going again.
My only complain? I'm gaining weight again but only because the kitchen is the gathering place in my new home and because I don't have to go to the gym to be near people. The thing is though I don't mind the extra 2 lbs. I've put on because I'm happy and that's something that weighing 130 lbs and being a size 6 can't buy me.