Julie & Julia and my PCOS

I guess it all began Sunday afternoon. My friend M. dropped me of at my Mami's house after church. When her car went into the driveway I saw that both my pseudo-dad's cars were outside. That meant he was home for a change on a Sunday but I wondered if that meant my mom hadn't gone to church? I called out when I opened the back door and pseudo-dad let me know he was downstairs. He was by himself in the house.
I hadn't eaten since it was Fast Sunday at my church which I well confess was one of the things that prompted me to go to my mom's house instead of mine. It was past two and my mom wasn't home from church herself so I called to see where she was. She told me she was on her way to a baptism and wouldn't be getting home till probably 5. That meant that I would have to do some cooking but that was ok because her house had food unlike mine.
I informed pseudo-dad that my mom wasn't coming home soon. He must have seen the look of hunger in my eye because his next question was "have you eaten lunch?" I answered truthfully and he invited me to Bertucii's. Now I'm not suppose to shop or do any of those things on Sunday due to my religion but I was hungry I didn't feel like coming up with a meal plan and I felt staying at my mom's without her there was pointless. I broke down and decided to go.
Lunch lead to shopping. My phone began to vibrate and my big brother was calling me. Big bro and I never talk on the phone on Sundays. Sundays is a phone free zone day for him. I was surprised but not worried. Until he asked where are you? Big brother was in the ER since he sliced his thumb open with an exacto knife. So I went to their place so my sister-in-law could be with him in the ER and I keep an eye on the baby at their place.
So they could get some rest after a very stressful day I was asked to take the baby for the night. No problem I love my niece she and I love taking naps together and I've been baby hungry for so long that I wanted to know what having a baby over night felt like. The kid was out by 6:30 so life was good. Life was not so good when I learned baby girl moans, cries, laughs, and rolls all over the bed like Tia Lupe does. She then proceeded to wake up at 3 and stayed up till 4:30 and woke back up at 7 (2 hours earlier then I roll out of my bed and I got no sleep to boot).  Even after all that insanity I still wanted a baby, but no marriage no baby.
I got home from work today exhausted. I decided that instead of killing myself cleaning some more that I would get some sleep. So I went to Netflix as I lay in bed and saw what was playing instantly. Julie and Julia was on the list so I hit the play button. As I read the book I realized that Julia Childs had infertility issues. She couldn't have children. There is this beautiful scene that drove me to tears. Julia finds out that her sister who married at an older age like Julia was pregnant. Julia starts crying because she can't have children. I lost it. This stupid PCOS has me wondering if I'll be able to have children some day. The worst part is that I won't be able to know until I start trying and since there is no one to try with aka a husband I won't know anytime soon.
We shall see what happens. 

Who doesn't like a bit of attention?

After many years of not understanding the foreign chromosome gender I finally think I get it. After much wondering what the heck about things that the boys do and questioning the boys that are near and dear I got some answers. First of all much like the Doble X gender boys don't know what they want. Just like I change my mind about what I'm going to wear to work a million times guys change their minds a million times about other things. They're psyche isn't that much different then ours.
Why do they drag out the dates and phone calls and the 'hang outs when they know they aren't interested? The same reason I giggle and act out when near my mami... it's all about the attention. Knowing this I can be a big girl and not get my feelings hurt. Knowing this I can give them some attention get some myself and no one gets hurt the huge mellow drama is avoided.
Who knows maybe while giving attention to get attention something might happen if not at least I had fun.

Runaway dream

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was running through the muddy woods barefoot. This didn't surprise me because I love the feel of my feet on grass or mud. I love to run through forest areas and let the wind hit my face. In the dream I was excited because I was running and I wasn't out of breath. Recently my attempts to run have ended in asthma attacks. I was shocked though as I was running I looked back to see if what I was running away from was catching up to me. I knew two things as I looked back that I was surely running away from someone and that that someone was a male. What surprised me was that I was unsure if I wanted this man to reach me or not. I felt torn between the two decisions to run faster or let him catch me. I woke up from the dream bewildered but I went back to sleep till it was time to get up.
Last night I had another dream. This time I was in the crowded streets of New York City. People were crowded on the side walks and I could see cars and taxis on the streets. I could feel the people surrounding me I could smell their perfumes and colognes and feel their body heat near me. I kept looking around looking for someone in specific but could not see them. I kept running. It wasn't easy to run in this dream. I was wearing 3 inch white pointed toe stiletto heels. The heels weren't what was truly making my run difficult though it was the light blue chiffon dress that I had to keep lifting so it wouldn't get caught on my shoes. Again I felt the same wonderment do I let him catch me or do I keep running.
All my dream interpretation books says that running away from attacker is a sign that I'm avoiding my issues and not taking responsibility for my actions. So it has come to this? After so many years of asking why, the answer is because you've never really truly wanted to. I have to decide if I truly want to do this or if I don't. How come I fear the one thing that I thought I wanted? What are these fears based off of?

A fat girl in a skinny girls body

A co worker walked in with a small bag of stuff and handed the bag to me. I looked in it and it was a few items of clothing so I assumed it was a donation of clothes that needed to be taken care of. Since I don't handle the donations anymore I asked her what they were for. A polite way of saying why are you giving me this. She responded that the jeans were for me that it looked like I was in need of new jeans.
As you may know I have a bit of a clothes addiction. I love clothes and hence I have lots of them and especially jeans. I had no idea what she meant by it seemed like I needed new jeans. I never say no when someone gives me clothes so I took the jeans out and looked at them. These puppies were small. There was no way I was going to fit in those. They obviously came from her pile of clothes not her daughters. My lovely co-worker is the smaller then either of her daughters.
I didn't want to be rude about her gift but I just kept wondering what is she thinking giving me small pants? To not offend but get my point across I asked her "are these yours or your daughters' jeans?" She was honest and told me they were hers. I was honest and told her they weren't going to fit. She put the bag of jeans in my hands and told me in a strong voice I needed to try them on. I know how she gets when she wants something so I went and did it. I kept thinking these things won't go up past my thigh and if they do I won't be able to zip them up.
I went into the bathroom and the jeans went on me like they were butter. They zipped up smoothly. The jeans fit perfectly. I was as skinny as my small co-worker. I walked out and showed her and she smiled.
She told me that she had been noticing that my jeans had been starting to fit rather lose. She told me she had noticed I was getting super tiny again. She told me that she knew I didn't know how skinny I had gotten after fighting so much with my sugar levels and my PCOS. She was right. I could not have believed I was small again.
What is it that causes women to be so critical of our own bodies? I can look in the mirror and point out every imperfection in my body. Even though intellectually I know I have lost so much weight and that I am skinny again emotionally I still feel like the fat girl. I still have emotional scars from all the hurt that I received when I gained all my weight before my diagnosis.
Why is it that as a society we judge people not for whom they are on the inside but what the look like in the outside? Thoughts anyone?