Swiss cheese memories

Recently through the modern day miracle of Facebook I found an old childhood friend. By childhood I mean of course my teen years. We all remember our teen years full of angst and disquietude. Unfortunately for me the angst of being an adolescent was tenfold of that of a normal teenager. Now as I’m older and I work with ‘crazy people’ as I like to call them and I’ve been diagnosed as a ‘crazy’ myself I understand so much of what my special angst was about. Being diagnosed a few years ago with Chronic Situational Depression my whole teenage drama makes so much more sense to me.

My depression was so bad during those years that there are chunks of my life that I can’t even remember. There are other chunks of my life that are fuzzy and of course chunks that I’d rather not remember so I pretend that I don’t. There are memories that are fuzzy that I would like to remember and that is why I get so happy when I find people from that period of my life that can help me fill up the voids.
When I saw Armando on another’s friend’s profile I got so excited. Memories of Armando I thought were just fuzzy but as I began to talk to him I realized that there were whole chunks of memories that had just disappeared. I do remember one thing though. Every time that I saw Armando my face would light up and this happiness that I didn’t understand came from somewhere unknown to me. I more often then not had my smile mirrored in his face. I always felt that he was a kindred soul that new all of my secrets even though I had not let one spill from my lips. I can’t remember when we met because we began our conversation as if we had been in the middle of it already. We, I believe, knew each other in another lifetime in a pre-existence to this life.
As adults we have been able to share with no guilt or shame the pain that neither of us was aware the other had but that we both shared. It is my belief that something in us that was where our pain was centered called us to one another in friendship. We were like magnets that couldn’t help but unite together. I wish today that we had dropped our shame, guilt and the pretenses and had been able to talk to one another honestly about things. The one thing that serves as a healing aide for me is to know that we silently supported one another.
I went into my line of work because I wanted to help others not go through similar pains as mine. So today when I see a child with sad eyes that keeps quiet I remember what I was like at that age. I remember Armando and what he quietly bore. I don’t want that for any other child and my hopes that a smile and a hug might help somehow. I hope in my heart that no one feels and goes through my pains but if they do that I can help somehow.