Early in 2008 I began noticing gain weight for no apparent reason. Although I was not going to the gym anymore I was still exercising. My eating habits had not changed. My habits were all the same but slowly but surely I was gaining weight. I was hitting 30 soon so I just thought I was getting old. Things got worse quick though. I got on my bike one day something I did everyday and had two asthma attacks. It was time to visit my doctor.
The first thing they noticed was my blood pressure was pretty high for someone my age and living my life style. Blood work came back with everything higher then it should be. They decided to do more test. The first thing they thought was that I might have a thyroid problem. I rolled my eyes because I always hated ‘fat’ people who would use their thyroid as an excuse. I got some ultrasounds and no thyroid problem. So then more blood work. Throughout this I kept getting poked and prodded by needles. Each doctor’s appointment sent me to tears. Finally they found what my problem was.
I was diagnosed with PCOS or poly cystic ovarian syndrome. As the name says the disease causes many small cysts in your ovaries. Doctors are not sure why it happens they only have theories. They do know that it can be dangerous for a woman’s health because there are many side effects that affect a woman’s health. The least of these problems is acne. I always had acne but thought it was because I have very greasy skin. The endocrinologist told me that it was in fact my PCOS causing my acne. There’s the abnormal hair growth, something that I had noticed about myself. I always thought that it was hereditary that I had so much body hair. There are more serious issues that happen that I was suffering from. There is of course the weight gain that was my first indicator that something was wrong. With the gain weight comes the high blood pressure that was also a problem that I was having but there is also either diabetes or insulin resistance. Although I was what my doctor called pre-diabetic my blood sugar levels were rather high. There was a huge insulin build up in my system too. All of this being partial reasons for my gain weight. One of the main indicators that you suffer of PCOS is an absence of a period for long periods of time. My amenorrhea was complete. If I was lucky I would get my period once or twice a year. When I would get it would be with lots of cramps and heavy flows and so many symptoms that would debilitate me. To normalize my period I was put on birth control for a bit but then we noticed that my blood pressure would sky rocket once again. So for now I have to go on with my amenorrhea until my high levels of testosterone go down.
With PCOS it’s not just the symptoms that you have but also the risks that there well be some complications. Some of these complications are infertility. Of course I won’t know if I’m going to have this complication until further down the line when I’m ready to have children. There is also the risk of endometrial cancer. This is due to your endometrial lining not shedding since you are not getting a period. There’s a risk of breast cancer also. For me these risks are higher since cancer runs on both sides of my family.
For me there was more emotional and self esteem issues with all of this. The weight gain was a self esteem killer for me. For someone who was an avid runner and was in the gym every day but on Sundays it killed me to lose what I thought was my identity. Not only was I harsh on myself but I felt that those around me were judging me.
I went from a size 4 runner with strong abs, arm and leg muscles to this mushy bodied person. My co-workers would whisper about my weight gain. Some wouldn’t even be that polite some would tell me I had gotten fat and unattractive to my face. I had a few clients ask me if I was pregnant. I would laugh it off or cut them with words but as soon as I got home I would cry. There were also the unspoken comments that I felt with the looks that people gave me. Exercise was prohibited by my doctor until my blood pressure went down to normal. Not that I could exercise because just a brisk walk would have me out of breath.
Besides exercise I identified who I was by my clothes. Slowly as the weight kept going up the less clothing choices I had. The stores that I loved in the past didn’t carry the size I had become. I remember having a close friend begging me to go to her wedding shower and I only went because of the love I had for her. It took me an hour to find a dress that would hide how fat I had gotten. As I put my make up on I cried the whole time because I felt that people were going to see how fat I was. I would hardly go out to hang out my friends because I was so embarrassed by my weight gain. When once I was a social butterfly I couldn’t bare to go past the door of my house.
I would look at my friends who didn’t have any weight problems and envied them. The hardest part for me was one day when I could no longer horde all my clothes and had to give it away. There were items that were so precious to me. I put up a brave front but when my friends took all of my clothes I cried myself to sleep. It was a hard time for me.
I’ll continue my path on my PCOS in my next blog. Follow me as I find ways to cope and happiness with my chronic illness.
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