Forgiveness doesn’t come easy to me. I know that I have to forgive people after a while but it doesn’t just happen at the flip of a hat. Forgetting is another thing. Once you have wronged me I never forget what it is that you did. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice… The only thing that helps me to completely forgive is time but sometimes or should I say most of the time it takes a very long time. Right now I’m working on forgiving two people for what they’ve done to me. It’s not an easy process.
With the one person he made me doubt myself and as unforgivable as that is that’s not what he did wrong. Doubting myself was something I had to do but it’s the things he did to get me to doubt myself that anger me. That mistake had a price for both of us and it was the lose of what I thought was a great friendship. I’m hoping that with person number two it doesn’t go that far.
From what I can tell they’re both ready to have me forgive them. The thing is I’m not ready to make nice. In my eyes they both started a fight and I had to fight back. Now that the fight turned ugly thanks to me they’re crying uncle. Maybe he’s forgiven me for my part in everything. Well Once I get in a fight I don’t back down easily. Once I get mad as hell I don’t let it go easily. I like the feeling that anger gives me.
Why am I like this?
The ugly girl hates the pretty one. The fat girl hates the skinny one. The curvy girl and the flat girl hate one another. The slow learner hates the smart person sitting next to them. We all have jealousies. I was an awkward child. I had a massive learning disability, English was my second language, I wasn’t pretty at all and I was sociably awkward. I had much to be jealous of when I saw other kids. I worked through my learning disability. It’s still there but I learned to work with it to the point that people don’t realize I have one when I’m working near them. I’ve spoken about how I worked on my English. I learned that beauty is only skin deep and that there were beauty aids. I get my hair done once a month I’m addicted to make-up and I learned how to make clothes work in my favor. I learned to love my body and those things that I didn’t like at the end of the day I worked on. I lose serious weight a year ago. People look at me now and they think they are looking at a well put together person. Inside I’m still that awkward little girl. So when someone attacks me they’re really attacking that little girl. How can someone attack a little girl that cries herself to sleep every night? Now you understand why I can’t forgive so easily.
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