Middle Age

I'm turning 35 in a few months and I find continually asking myself is this what it's come to? I'm not where I thought I'd be at this age.
When I turned 20 I remember laying on the floor crying that I was no longer going to be a teenager. When I turned 25 it was fun and exciting I had been alive for a quarter of a century. Then I turned 30 and it was still so much excitement. Welcome to dirty thirty my friends told me. Thirty is the new twenty my doctor told me. Thirty-one was a tough birthday with all the health issues that I went through. I was an emotional mess. By 33 I was back to wow I've been alive this long, a third of a century this time. Then this summer at the beach someone mentioned that I was going to be middle aged this next birthday. My thought process came to a halt at that moment.
In my twenties I thought that I'd be married and with my 3 kids at this point. I thought that I'd have someone with me to help me through the up and downs. Here I find myself totally not there. Don't get me wrong I love being single and being able to go and do as I please as I want. I love the traveling I can do and the not having to ask anyone if what I want to do is okay. This just isn't what I had planned.
I was on a date last week and let me tell you it wasn't a good date. I was thinking to myself,as he smacked his food and went down his interview questions, can I get past this stage already? It's not that I don't like my life it's just that I feel I've been doing the same thing over and over without a change. How many times can I travel on my own. How many times can I dye my hair some radical color and be called adventurous?I feel that no matter how exciting my life is I've done it all already. I'm ready for my next adventure and it just isn't coming.
I know first world problems right?

Things my boss says

So I'm sitting in a meeting with my boss and one of our funders. Two of my programs are being reviewed right now. Nervous as sin as I always am even though I know the girl doing the review. So my boss is explaining things and talking as he answers questions. Suddenly he looks at her and says: "can I go on a tangent? This process is a bug-a-boo". He totally didn't get why we started giggling at him. Until we explained that Destiny's Child has a song by that name. He turned all shades of red.

Things my boss says about : tie-dyed pantyhose

 So I wanted to try a project I found on Pinterest. They were these cool looking tie-dyed pantyhose. So last night I found my Kool-Aid and I boiled the water and found an old pair of nylon skin toned pantyhose. The project worked and I thought they looked pretty cool.
This morning I found and awesome Navy blue skirt and a red tank that I put under a white tee along with the tie-dyed pantyhose. I thought I was rocking it.
I walked into the office and talked to my boss who didn't say anything but since it took him a month to realize that I had gone blond once I didn't expect him to notice my awesome pantyhose. As we were talking into his office he got up to go get allergy meds and that's when he looked down and here's how it went down:
Boss: Wha.Wha Wha.What happened to your legs?

Me: Oh I tie-dyed my pantyhose!
Boss: Oh thank God I thought that you had been a victim of bondage.

What my boss says about: Passover

I'm such a good Jew I had pancakes for breakfast. They tasted really good. 

Things my boss says: Friday

We busted our *bleeps*off this week let's call it a half day. You should nap.


And this is why I love the man.

Things my boss says: wall color

If you want more color in this house you better start wearing more lipstick

Things my boss says: my healing process

Set up:
I was complaining that my jaw was hurting from my extraction.
The quote:
"You think I was joking when I said you were old now and it takes longer to heal"

Things my boss says: his dog

Set up:
My boss had a dog for 17 years. He loved that dog and from the sounds of it the dog loved him. One day as he was telling me about the dog I asked him where he got such a unique name for the dog.
 He tells me that as he traveled into work every morning he would listen to NPR and the journalist of the show he listened to was named Buntzy Ellis-Churchill. He thought she was amazing so yeah you guessed it he named the dog after her.
In 1996 he had the opportunity to meet her and to talk to her. He told her how he listened to her show every day on his way to work and that he loved her name so much  that....
"I named my dog after you"
I gasped when he told me that. He asked what? I looked at him and asked what did she say. He says he doesn't know why but she walked away. Sigh, it seems I was the first person to have the guts to tell him you should never tell a person that.

Things my boss says: my extraction

Set up : I asked my boss how much longer I would be hurting and how long to heal.
" Since you're old now it's going to take 5 days for the healing process to start"

Things not to say to: a pregnant woman

My friend told me this happened to her
"So you're pregnant you don't have an illness that's causing you to get fat really quick"

Fears and tooth extractions

I have a huge fear of needles. I cry, I kick, I've bitten, I beg, I go into complete panic attacks when I have to be pinched by one. Seeing how because of my PCOS I have to get blood work constantly you'll understand how this makes life difficult. When I was in the hospital to remove my gall bladder I'm sure you can imagine what a wreck I was. I had that one needle in me constantly and then they'd come in once a day to do blood work.
I can pinpoint the exact day, moment, event that caused my fear of needles. My mom took me to a dental school to have my teeth checked. We were poor and it was very obvious that I needed braces. I had a whole slew of dental issues and the student that took my case was excited because oh boy was she going to have a field day in my mouth.
So I had shots before as a kid and I realized they hurt and that I didn't like them but there was no fear of them as of yet. I had to have an extraction of a cavity I had so they had to numb me up and take the tooth out. Problem #1 was that they didn't tell me that they were going to numb me up they just brought the needle out. I didn't really panic at that point. Problem # 2 I had to see the needle come to and into my mouth and that got me really nervous. Problem #3 she hadn't used enough Novocaine so when the needle went in to numb me it hurt like sin.
So when I had to go back to get porcelain on my teeth to avoid me getting my cavities I went back to the dentist but I was on to this girl. She wasn't so bright and she was going to cause me pain in the stuff that she was going to do. So she didn't explain what she was going to do exactly so I went in and I was a bit nervous but I was a little kid how much harm could she do I thought. Well let me tell you. So she opens my mouth up she puts this little thing to keep it open during the procedure. I'm doing ok so far. She's putting stuff here and there checking my teeth out. She puts the Novocaine gel on so I don't feel everything she's doing she tells me. Then I see it coming towards my face. Once again little princess dentist forgets to tell me she's going to numb me up even more with a needle. I see the needle coming and I panic. I'm a kid so I think I need to run out of here. I understand she's probably frustrated but what she did wrong has affected me for the rest of my life. She grabbed my left shoulder with her free hand and pushes me down. I try to push back up so she puts her left knee on my chest and sticks me with the needle. I cried throughout the whole procedure.
I've never had a cavity in my whole life because of the work she did. I cry and have to be held down anytime that a needle has to come near me. Most doctors are understanding. There are a few sadist out there that seem to enjoy the panic and fear that the needle brings to me but mostly people are understanding. I've learned to look away, to ask the nurse to hold me down, I ask for more time, I ask for them to talk to me about mundane things. I've learned to cope.
In 2001 I was having severe pain in my mouth. My boss took x-rays and look at my mouth. I had four impacted wisdom teeth and I had two other teeth that had cysts and needed to come out before I lost more than the 6 he had to take out. I cried for an hour when he told me the work he had to do. He held my hand and was angered when I told him why I feared not just needles but him too. He promised he would be gentle. First he did 3 on one side and he had his assistant hold my hand the whole time. I cried but it wasn't so bad.  A month later he did the other 3 and I cried again but he was patient and understanding and it worked out. I learned that if I told doctors my fear of needles they'd be a lot more patient with me. I'm not so bad as I once was but I still don't like needles. Thank goodness I've never had to have more extractions after that.
Recently I had some x-rays done of my mouth and a very crooked tooth I had was beginning to be a problem. It was starting to get a pocket that soon would be a cyst. I was so angry that I wasn't cleaning my teeth well and that that had happened. The dentist explained that no matter how well I cleaned that sooner or later that would have happened and that the tooth had to come out.
Today was the day the tooth had to come out. Today was not a good day at work and then I had to go to get tortured with this extraction. When I got to the dentist I was a wreck between the office politics I had to put up with and the extraction. My dentist looked at me and he knew that it wasn't going to be pretty. When I sat down in the chair he gave me a pill and he said "that's a Valium. Take it and it'll calm you down and make both of our day easier". I took it but doubted it would. This man had the hands of an angel and the Valium helped. I only felt one needle pinch and then I was completely numb for the rest of the needle pinches. Even though I was nervous he talked me through the whole thing and I was at ease. I did feel the pressure he put in my mouth when he began to loosen the tooth to take it out. I wanted to cry I wanted to run out of there but he kept talking to me and calming me down. Two minutes later I feel him stop and say wow. That freaked me out! I opened up one eye and in his hand he had my tooth. It sort of just popped out. He let me sit there another 10 minutes so I could compose myself. He gave me some prescriptions so I could manage the pain.
Today I learned something. I always thought that I was afraid of needles because I was weak, I learned that my fear of needles wouldn't have happened or maybe not been as bad if that student had been as patient and understanding as my current dentist. It wasn't a pretty procedure today but I managed. My doctor told me when we were done that he was as nervous as I was because he knew what I was going through. He was nervous but instead of putting me ill at ease because he was nervous he talked to me and made sure I was calm.
I think that if we all concentrate on what those around us are going through instead of on ourselves the world would be a better place. So let's hope that's the last extraction I have to go through. Next on my dental list is adult braces. Oh boy so excited for that!

Things my boss says: bananas

Set up: We're at the supermarket buying essentials for the his house.

"I wanted to get bananas but they only have the green kind. Do you think they have the yellow kind somewhere else?"

Things my boss says : looking at a house to buy

"If we get some kind of lung disease you'll know where it came from just give us some Diflucan"

Things my boss says : jeggings

"You wouldn't be so cold if you were wearing real pants"


for those of you that don't know what jeggings are they're jean leggings.

Things not to say to: a dentist

So are you a real doctor or just a dentist?
A co-worker in the dental department heard a patient ask that to one of our dentist.

Things my boss says: about my mom's opinion

Situation:
My mom and I had gotten into a huge fight about how I behave in public and called me pretentious. I was really upset and wondering if it was true.
Set up:
Me: Boss(called him by his name), my mom (said her name) got mad because she says I was being pretentious...
The quote:
I don't see being pretentious as being a problem unless being better than someone is a problem.

Things my boss says: when the restaurant wait is too long

So I recently realized how hilarious the random things my boss says are so I'm starting a things my boss says part to my blog.
 Situation:
Day after Christmas laziness has set in on the Diaz/Strauss household no one wants to cook but we're all hungry. We head to Olive Garden where there's no where to park. I get dropped off at the restaurant to get our names on the list and my boss goes and parks the car. When I give my name they tell me it's a 25-30 min wait. I don't like this but I can't veto where we're eating either. I sit down and wait for my boss to come in or the buzzer to go off. I'm sitting down reading in a huge crowd of other people sitting down waiting to be called. My boss walks in and I wave him over to tell him how long the wait is. He tells me we'll find somewhere else to eat. I return the buzzer and we head out.
The set up:
Me: "I figured you'd be too hungry to wait that long."
Him: "Yeah I'm hungry but that wasn't the problem."
Me : (Look at him as if to say what was the problem)

The Quote: I wasn't going to sit near those people to wait for a table.

Things not to say to: A cop

Things not to say to: a cop: "If you have a problem call the cops then"

Let's back up 2 years ago to begin this story. I had been living in my apartment for a year at this point and I had few if any complaints about my neighbors. My next door neighbors were a cop and his wife a hairdresser with two of their six kids still living at home. I live in an old Victorian home made into 4 apartments. The people living in the building weren't my best friends but I had no real complaints. 

One Saturday morning I woke up at 7a.m. because one  of the other tenants in the building was playing her music so loudly that not only could I hear it in my apartment but it was shaking some of the paintings on my wall. I went to her apartment to knock the door and she refused to open it. I wen back to apartment and she was still playing her music so I started banging on our adjoining wall. She started cursing. I got up wrote a nasty gram and left it at her door grabbed my stuff and went to sleep at my mom's. A few days later she left me a 4 page letter telling me I thought I was a princess and how I was rude and then threatened me. My landlord/boss told me to let it go and there began a 2 year spiteful relationship between the two of us. 

She had loud parties for sports games, invited her friends and had loud parties at 2 or 3 in the morning, and of course continued the loud music playing. I spent less and less time at home. At first I thought maybe it was just me that had issues with her but one day this summer as I was weeding out the garden the neighbors came up to me and began to complain about loud neighbor. Nothing could be done since my landlord/boss saw no issues with it really. 

Cue in two months ago. I'm dead asleep and I get woken up by the loud screaming of a woman. I'm scared and confused while I hear the screaming and the fighting going outside of my bedroom window. I realize loud neighbor lady and her live in girlfriend are having a fight. It seems from the screaming that their has been some major domestic violence going on for months and I wasn't even aware of it. Then it got really scary the girlfriend started yelling for help. I was so tired and still in that just woke up stupor that I couldn't find my phone couldn't figure out how to take off my mouth guard and by the time that I could figure it out the live in girlfriend had gotten in her car and drove off. I e-mailed my landlord/boss to let him know and to complain. The neighbors later told me they saw the whole thing.

My landlord/boss got his people to look into loud neighbor girl and a few interesting things popped up. Seems loud neighbor lady hadn't paid rent in MONTHS. Seems the neighbors had called the cops on her a few times already and so began trying to evict her but it wasn't going to be an easy process. I had to put up with her for a few months. Then last month it just seemed that my boss had lost the will to evict her. Meanwhile it was just getting louder and louder later and later in the night. 

I spent Christmas weekend at my mom and boss' house and had a great time. The thing about spending so much time with a parent is that it's hard not to get annoyed so Christmas night after dinner I asked my boss to drive me home. Went to sleep as soon as I got home I was so tired. 2:30 a.m. I got woken up by car doors slamming and loud neighbor lady and about 16 of her closest friends coming in and out of her apartment. Half of them where in the building and the other half were in the driveway. 

Here's where the title comes in. So the half that was out in the driveway was really loud screaming obscenities at one another. I hear someone say something softly which sounded like a request for the noise to go down. I hear someone say: "If you have a problem call the cops then".

I hear the reply "I am the cops" and then some mumbling from the person who said that. I popped out of my bed and giggled. Oh they stepped on it not realizing the neighbor was a cop. I silently thanked cop neighbor and went back to sleep thinking just another day of lousy neighbors and that it wouldn't lead to anything. 

The next day I woke up and went out to eat breakfast with my mom and my boss and just had a lazy day at their house. My boss took me out to dinner ( a story about that will follow) and during dinner I told him about the neighbor talking to loud neighbor girl's loud friends. He didn't look surprised but he didn't seem happy either. We got in the car full of my Christmas presents and he brought me home. He got out of the car with me and I thought it was to help me take my stuff in but when I open the back of the SUV I don't see him anywhere. I put my things in my house and then I hear HIS voice screaming oh oh. So it seems cop neighbor told my boss/landlord about the whole I am the cops incident and my telling him confirmed what he was afraid of that the noise had woken me up. So he rang loud neighbor girl's doorbell and informed her that she had two choices leave by the end of the month and the fact she doesn't pay her rent will be kept a secret or if she wanted to cause a problem she'd be evicted and our County would inform anyone she tried to rent from that she doesn't pay her rent. So moral of the story if you want to be loud just fine just don't tell the cops to call himself when he asks you to keep it down, he'll call your landlord and inform the whole County on yo' hot mess. 

The storming of the Bastille

This morning as I was putting on my make-up I had to cover up a bruise on my forehead. How does one get a bruise on their forehead? It's not from a fall or an accident. My bruise was caused by pure Tastykake awesomeness. 

Saturday I got up and instead of running around doing errands and cleaning my house I decided to do something purely Philly. I headed to the Eastern State Penitentiary for the reenactment of the storming of the Bastille. 

The block that the prison is in was crowded with people of all kinds. Most of them were already inebriated from the free champagne being given out and the beer that they had purchased. 

There were a few people dressed up in costume but surprisingly not as many as one would think. The few that were did an amazing job. There were some French pirates and one of them had a sign that I'm sorry for touching your booty. Then there were two girls walking around with two heads, they were dressed in peasant clothes. There were a few Marie Antoinette's walking around. After the costume contest they began preparing the crowd for the 'storming'.

They had us sing a few well known French songs followed by the National Anthem and ending with the French National Anthem. Then at the top of the jail's wall Marie Antoinette appeared and so began the festivities. They followed a script and each time someone said 'reign of terror' the crowd would shoot their water guns. Marie Antoinette of course had an army. An army of IMPERIAL STORM TROOPERS!. As the script went on Marie Antoinette said "let them eat Tastykake" note the change from what the real Marie Antoinette supposedly said. As she said this it began raining Tastykakes from the sky. I decided to take pictures and I was so engrossed in that, that I didn't see two of them coming directly at me. Bam I now have a bruise that I didn't realize till last night as I washed my face at night. 

At the end of the little reenactment they beheaded a watermelon and a good time was had by all. This is a must do event if you are in Philly in the summer.

Barbie the average woman and me

If Barbie were a real woman:

Height: 7 ft 2 inches

Weight: 101 lbs

Measurements:

 Bra size: 38 FF

Dress size 4

Shoe Size 5

Head and Waist would be 19 inches

Hips 33 inches

The avg. woman:

Height 5 ft 4 in

Weight 140 lbs

Measurements:

Bra size 36 B

Dress size: 14

Shoe size: 9

Waist: between 30 and 34 inches

Hips 40

Me:

Height 5'4   exactly average.

Weight 144 lbs Ok so I'm a few lbs above average but just a few so why am I always beating myself up about my weight?

Measurements 36 D My cup size is a bit larger than average. I've always hated my breast size but honestly at least I'm not as HUGE as poor Barbie over there.

Dress Size 8 All these years fighting to remain a size 4 and come to find out that I'm way below the average dress size. Why have I been torturing myself so much?

Waist 32 inches so right on average it seems. 

Hips 38 below average. And yes I'm proportianate in size which is something else I should be grateful for. 

Lesson stop being critical of my body and love it and accept it .