Bonfire

My friend Naomi called to ask if I was going to the Harvest Festival tonight. I really wasn't planning on going. I just wanted to stay home on my couch vegging out. I'm a walking pharmacy at the moment and I don't know what the meds well do to me next. She convinced me to go but I was worried something might happen.
I'm glad I went because even though the Harvest Festival was outside in 44 degree weather I enjoyed myself. There was pumpkin carving, and a haunted hayride, tons of food, karaoke and the best part a bonfire for the marshmallows.
All of you that know me know that I am a pyro. I love fires, so the minute I saw it I was next to it right away and didn't move for the rest of the night. I helped keep it going but mostly I sat near it with a stick and marshmallows. Bonefires are great way to get to know ppl better. The whole time I sat there I talked to ppl and got to know my friends better.
The thing is now that I had the taste of a bonfire I want more. Anyone up for camping?

ear infections, rascal flatts and closure

I've decided to go back to therapy. Those of you that remember two years ago I started going to therapy under the advice of the doctors at the ER. The way the story goes I woke up with a huge panic attack that caused me to lose mobility in all of my limbs, my vision, and caused very labored breathing. After much discussion of my 'issues' and how to deal w/ my lack of anger management I was deemed cured by my therapist.
The events of May started a avalanche of other events that lead me to believe that there were other issues that needed to be fixed. Between things that happened with 'Billy' and my lack of wanting to deal with all kinds of issues I've been drowning lately. My second session lead to a revelation of why I let men walk all over me and knowing the cause will be a help to stopping the problem.
That hasn't been the only thing my insurance has been covering. I don't know if I told you guys about the strep throat episode I went thru about 2-3 wks ago. Strep throat let me tell you sucks. The only thing that hurts more is an ear infection. Fluid in my ear has caused throbbing pain in one and constant popping in the other. Last night I came home and fell asleep at 6. I only woke up to watch Gray's Anatomy with Chris. Then I went back to bed to sleep of the fever I had. Chris I knew was up to something because he kept asking well is this going to affect your hearing and is the medicine your Dr. going to give you help right away. I promised I'd give him a call as soon as the Dr. gave me the answers.
The student Dr. who saw me (a hottie that went by the name of Steve Matta) said he didn't see anything in the ears. The ear wasn't red and that he saw nothing in it either. So what the heck was causing the pain? My Dr. walked in and looked in the ears and said she has translucent fluid in their. He gave me a decongestant for my ears. Sounds crazy but the stuff is crazy strong. So I called Chris and let him know I'm good not contagious not going to die not going to lose my hearing. All he said was good and let me go. Hmmmm...
An hour later he calls me again and says we have to be at the Rascal Flatts concert by 6:30. Left work an hour later and got my ass ready to party it up. So we met there and we weren't even sure about our seats since Chris got them thru a friend. She got us Suite tickets!!!! She got us all the free food we could want!!! She got us all the free drinks we could want!!!! She kept offering martinis that we kept turning down. Oh if only I were a drinker. When Rascal Flatts sang their second to last song What Hurts the Most. I realized something... the song that had been my anthem for a few monhs since May was a great song but I didn't hurt when I heard it. I've gotten over it. This concert was closure to everything. I can now go on with life and be happy with the things that are happening in my life! Imagine that!

pick pockets and spin the bottle

I must confess that the last few days have been rather wierd ones. Friday started off normal until I got to the train station when I got a call that made me decide to close my offices and head back home. I was really wanting to go back to bed but I decided to be productive. By eleven o'clock I had finished my work goals for the day. I decided to head out to the gym work out and maybe goof off some. The gym definatly released some endorphins. Then I walked back home and did some errands. When I got hom late in the afternoon I took a nap before going to a play at night. Before leavig I relized that my phone was missing. I thought I had dropped it. Then on Saturday I relized I was missing $ too. Then on Monday morning I realized my bus pass was missing too. I was pick pocketed. So now I have to budget myself for the rest of the month b/c I had to buy a new cell phone (retail price) and a new bus pass.
I could have let it get me down but I decided to screw it. Tonight I want to family home evening. Family home evening or fhe as we fondly call it is a bunch of college students from church who get together and do fun family activities togehter. We sort of created a family group while away from our real families. It was my turn to do the activity. I decided to do spin the bottle with a little 'Mormon' twist. Instead of kissing I told everyone we had to compliment the person the bottle pointed to. There were a lot of giggles throughout the night but there were more awws and thank yous. I think everyone left feeling appreciated by the end of the night. Someone didn't make my weekend bright but I was hoping I could help in making at least one person's night better.

Fall

So I've been swimming in my depression the last few days. I've been worried about it but not doing anything about it. Today Chris commited me to going to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in forever. Basically for fear of what might happen if I did go health wise that is.
So I went to the gym. I ran my little heart away on the machines. I left the gym and walked to the City Sports store and bought new running shoes and some running outfits. I decided to walk all the way home. I walked 2 1/2 miles to the CVS where I met up with carrie. and then we walked another 1/2 mile home.
I realized during my walk how great life is and that IT'S FALL OUT THERE! The Penn students were all over the place, it's the nicest weather and the leaves are changing color. Time to start swimming out of the depths of this stupidity I've been keeping myself in.
"Excercise releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy just don't kill their husbands. They just don't!" Elle Woods

Billy

So I think you guys have started to notice that I really like finding song lyrics that say how I feel about something at this moment in time. I'm changing Voldermort's name once again. We're going back to his old 'internet' name with a twist. He shall from now on be called Billy. Billy, as in James Blunt's song. I think they go well.
Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going).
Holds his head in disgrace (he can't escape the truth).
He knows the price that he's paid.
He admits that it's too late to admit that he's afraid.
Chorus
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going).
He's got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain).
He accepts it's his fate.
He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong.
Chorus
Once he was a lover sleeping with another.
Now he's just known as a cheat.
And he wish he'd had a mirror; looked a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak.
Chorus

Hear You Me

This song is about Carli Allen and her husband. She ran the Weezer fan club and both she and her husband died in a tragic car accident on their way back from a Weezer's concert. The couple was known for letting up and coming bands stay at their home when they had no where else to stay. It rang a chord with me b/c I haven't thanked all of you for all that you have done for me in the last four months. I'm finally coming out of a very dark place. I couldn't have survived without any of you and all you have done for me. I still have much to go but I've come a long way already.

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
Thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have the chance
If you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

Sexual Harrasment Against the Law

Every day I get sexually harrased by men who think they're actually going to get my attention and get me to go out with them by saying rude and crude comments. Here's an example: Walking to 30th St. Station two weeks ago a man with a velvet running suit stuck his head out of his Caddie and yelled "Nice tits baby". I turned around and cursed him out and let him know what I didn't like about his small anatomy. I won't go into details.
This is a daily occurence where a man thinks he can sexually harrass me. I've learned to flow with the blows. I ingnore them most of the time. I make loud and rude comments some times. If they really get to me I let them have it. The thing is I don't feel satisfied by it. I want something more to happen. I want something to happen to let them know that what they're doing isn't right. Today it finally happened.
I walked out of church crossed the street and put my iPod on. I heard a man yelling so I lowered down the volume. He was letting me know that he liked my 'jiggle'. I was going to ignore it until he let me know "yeah b*#@h I'm right behind you". No matter how strong they are with their harrasment no one has made as uncomfortable as I felt that moment. I looked around to see if I saw a Penn cop. Nothing but I knew they had to be around so I began walking a bit faster as his vulgarity continued. When I turned the block I saw the yellow shirt. Penn Campus cops hallelujah! I let her know the "man behind me is harrasing and yelling at me to the point of making me very uncomfortable." She asked me to stand there with her and let him pass. He took his time but he stopped and got in my face (literally) telling me some awful things. He hadn't noticed her. She was calling the Philadelphia Police only half a block away from us. When he realized what she was he was ready to kill me. She got in between him and told him she and I were just talking. She stalled him long enough for the Philadelphia cops to get there and arrest him. Finally I felt vindicated. A man finally got his for sexually harrasing me. I called all my girlfriends that have had to deal with the same stuff to let them know what had happened. We all had a good laugh.

Baltimore Snuggle Buddy

I caught the train to Wilmington to Philadelphia (it was practically free, nah it was free). In Wilmington my friend picked me up in the green VW Jetta. We drove to Baltimore. We dropped my luggage at the house and we headed to the Military base for a Labor Day weekend party. We ate, we talked, we played games.
When we went back home I got to know a family I had heard much of for a long time. They got to know the girl they had heard much of but never seen. It's a family of four sibilings and two parents. They were all home. I slept in my friends room. My friend slept with me. I'm used to my big bed and not having anyone to share it with. I thought I was going to have issues. I enjoyed sharing my bed with someone. I enjoyed waking up hugging someone. Tonight as I lay in my bed alone I realize how quickly I got used to someone's elses body next to mine at night. I miss it!

Getting my hair did

I have short hair. I have long hair. I have thick hair. I have thin hair. I have blonde hair. I have black hair. I have brown hair. I have red hair. I have straight hair. I have wavy hair. I have curly hair. My hair yeah I change it like I change my clothes. Recently I found a hair dresser that can keep up with my Joneses. She's a bit more then I used to pay but she knows what I want and she knows how to get it done. So I wasn't surprised this week when I walked in and she had the Best of Philly 2006 sign up in her receptionist area. She's on the Main line. If you live in the city catch the R5 to Ardmore. Cross the street the place is called Taglio's ask for Patty. She's the owner and she'll do wonders with your hair!

Not Latino Enough

There I was in the passenger seat of the car excited to see the bill board announcing the first ever Spanish FM station in Philadelphia. Mind you I wasn’t going to listen to it but it showed that the Latino community was finally showing it’s presence in this city despite all the hate shown towards us as of late.
Now you ask why I wasn’t going to listen to it. That’s a simple answer. No, the answer isn’t that I don’t listen to Spanish Music. I love the Latino artists that bring such great music to my life. The problem is that the station was advertising that they were going to play bachatas, regeton, and salsa. I’m more of a rock, pop, and even maybe the occasional blues listener when it comes to my Spanish music. I wanted to show support though so I politely asked if I could change the station. Music was good but not what I would normally listen. It wasn’t Juanes, or Jarabe de Palo but it was Spanish music blaring out of the radio. Then the commercials brought disappointment. “Only those of us who are truly Latino will listen,” was the message the first commercial gave. The second one “Listen only if you’re Latino enough,” it blared. I changed the station angered.
I knew I wasn’t going to listen to the station after today but wow that’s offense for them to say that you weren’t a true Latino if you didn’t listen to the station. I pulled the mirror and looked at myself in it. Yeah my skin was still a honey tone. My eyes were still so dark they almost seemed black. Yes my hair was filled with blonde highlights but you could still see my dark hair. My nose was what my mom always described as the typical Hispanic’s nose. My cheekbones that I love so much were still high showing my ‘Indian’ heritage.
This wasn’t the first time that I had heard that I wasn’t Latino enough. In May while eating lunch at a certain beach in a certain Florida city I was told the same thing. So let me list what the stereotypical Latino does hence not making me Latino enough to the white man or the colored man.
A Latino:
Only listens to music with a heavy African rhythm (rock music)
Eats spicy foods like jalapenos even if it isn’t good for their digestive system (jalaquien?)
Eats diary products even if they’re lactose intolerant (not unless I have my lactaid pills)
Drinks coffee like it’s going out of style (Starbucks should sell more Caramel Apple Cider)
They’re defiantly Catholic! (Mormon Thank You very much)
Has straight pokey hair (Curly or wavy depending on the humidity that day)
Thick hair (yeah but I know a bunch of old ladies that are going bald)
Is loud (ok this one I am)
Pronounces z’s like x’s (ok again I fall under this category too)
Wear colorful clothes (mostly black wardrobe)
Get married at a young age (matriquien?)
Have tons of children (I have none and 3 is too many for me when I do have them)
Curvy women (keep comments to self folks)
Only good enough to be a maid ( I’m a social worker now a days)
Falls in love w/ the white man (I’ve dated all colors loved all colors)
It angers me that ppl don’t see me as Latino or Hispanic ‘enough’. At the end of the day though I am what I am and that’s a proud Latina who fights for her peoples rights and has lost and gained much b/c of that.

The Disappearing Apartment

A very close friend and I were comparing notes on our relationships gone bad situations. We realized that even though our situations were somewhat different there were many similarities. He and I were talking about it right before I headed off to bed. As I read my book in bed after talking to him I began to think on how life has changed thanks to a relationship gone terribly wrong.
The first month I ran away. Even though I knew I had to come back to the apartment where the ghost of it all lived I was happy being away from it that first month. The memories were still too raw for me to live in my apartment and try to get over it all. It was great not being alone too as I got over the hurt. When I moved back into my apartment there was a sense of change in both my house and in me. Part of the change was of course the car full of stuff I had acquired while I was away but there was more then that I had changed in that month too.
The first change that happened was in my bathroom. Isn’t that the weirdest place to start a change? I took down the old nasty head shower and put in a brand new one in. It’s one of those five speed ones that you can remove from its place and have the water reach anywhere you want. You may insert your dirty thoughts in now! It gives off more water and it honestly is just prettier all around to look at. It made my bathroom a place of refuge and I left it happier.
Then I concentrated in the main room of the house, the living room. The first thing that disappeared was the dining set that I had. I used it more as a table that held all of my paperwork for my job and anything I didn’t know where to place. I hardly ate on it and the memory of eating breakfast on it angered me every time I saw it. The table went to a friend’s house and a beautiful grayish-green love seat took its place. A lamp was put next to the seat. Suddenly I have found my new work station. I either sit or lay on the couch as I work on my laptop everyday. Then there was the purple area rug that matched the painting on my mantle. Finally I said screw the TV and the DVD player and gave them away to be replaced by a HDTV and a DVR. Yeah I upgraded the living room. The upgrade wasn’t what mattered though it was the feeling of a new home while staying in the old one. It was having things that reminded me of everything removed by ones that I could create new memories with.
A week ago I started working on the bedroom. A lot of things were thrown out from the bedroom. All of my old pillows were tossed out into the garbage to be replaced by newer ones. Sounds like a weird change I know but each time I used one of those pillows I would think is this one he used or was this one of mine. Today I went online to The Company Store and bought three sets of bedding. The summer sets that I owned brought the want to vomit each time I saw them. The pillows have brought a great sense of comfort at night. The new set I put out changes the room into a room that I don’t recognize. It makes me happy. The old apartment that held so many miserable memories is slowly disappearing being taken over by a new happy apartment that reflects the new happy me that is emerging.

Check #1159

I had a check that Voldermort gave me for the trip we took to Tampa. Even though I asked for him to pay his half of the trip in cash when he arrived to Philly so I didn't have to keep using my credit card he didn't do that. He kept giving me bits and pieces of what he owed me the whole trip. I felt like a kept woman (and not in a good way)! He had to think about giving me an amount each time. The morning he left the apartment he gave me a check for the rest of what he owed me.
I'm not good with checks, I'll be honest. Depositing a check means taking time out of my busy schedule to go to the bank. God created direct deposit and Checkcards for a reason and it was so I didn't have to continue going to the bank. So at first I didn't deposit it because I was so busy but then I couldn't find it. I lost the damn check somewhere between moving in and out of my apartment. This weekend I found it. Even though I'm not hurting for $ I thought I wasn't going to let him get away with only paying for two-thirds of his vacation. I talked it over with about a handful of people and they all told me that since it's been three months I had to let him know it was going to be deposited. No biggie right? I mean he hasn't replied to any of my important e-mails so why this one? I let him know it was a curtious e-mail to let him know the check was being deposited.
The mother-fucker replied! He had the balls. Tuvo los cojones (sorry I had to say that in another language to make sure I got it out there). He replied. I'm ill and might die no response your check is finally deposited a response. He thanked me for letting him know. He didn't even address me by name. Then he had even bigger balls. He hoped I was doing well was his closing remark. What I wanted to reply but for my own sanity didn't is the following:
Voldermort,
Like I said this was a curtious e-mail I still stand that we should NEVER AGAIN have any contact. I don't believe you'll change from being a scumbag who uses women, degrades them and then moves on to her friends. Of course you didn't realize the check hadn't been deposited because as soon as you left Philadelphia you made sure to erase all belief that I existed. Oh and by the way you Hope? No you have no right to hope for anythng that has to do with me. You lost all right to hope anything for me when I called and e-mailed you about what you did to me and never replied. You sorry bastard the only hope that you can have is that I can forigve you enough to not tell your current girlfriend what you really are. Love Always (I mean that sarcastically so don't get your hopes up)
Me
PS I hope your little dick falls off! Yeah it's little I lied when I said it was 'average'

Not ready to make nice meets Hey Jealousy

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy to me. I know that I have to forgive people after a while but it doesn’t just happen at the flip of a hat. Forgetting is another thing. Once you have wronged me I never forget what it is that you did. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice… The only thing that helps me to completely forgive is time but sometimes or should I say most of the time it takes a very long time. Right now I’m working on forgiving two people for what they’ve done to me. It’s not an easy process.
With the one person he made me doubt myself and as unforgivable as that is that’s not what he did wrong. Doubting myself was something I had to do but it’s the things he did to get me to doubt myself that anger me. That mistake had a price for both of us and it was the lose of what I thought was a great friendship. I’m hoping that with person number two it doesn’t go that far.
From what I can tell they’re both ready to have me forgive them. The thing is I’m not ready to make nice. In my eyes they both started a fight and I had to fight back. Now that the fight turned ugly thanks to me they’re crying uncle. Maybe he’s forgiven me for my part in everything. Well Once I get in a fight I don’t back down easily. Once I get mad as hell I don’t let it go easily. I like the feeling that anger gives me.
Why am I like this?
The ugly girl hates the pretty one. The fat girl hates the skinny one. The curvy girl and the flat girl hate one another. The slow learner hates the smart person sitting next to them. We all have jealousies. I was an awkward child. I had a massive learning disability, English was my second language, I wasn’t pretty at all and I was sociably awkward. I had much to be jealous of when I saw other kids. I worked through my learning disability. It’s still there but I learned to work with it to the point that people don’t realize I have one when I’m working near them. I’ve spoken about how I worked on my English. I learned that beauty is only skin deep and that there were beauty aids. I get my hair done once a month I’m addicted to make-up and I learned how to make clothes work in my favor. I learned to love my body and those things that I didn’t like at the end of the day I worked on. I lose serious weight a year ago. People look at me now and they think they are looking at a well put together person. Inside I’m still that awkward little girl. So when someone attacks me they’re really attacking that little girl. How can someone attack a little girl that cries herself to sleep every night? Now you understand why I can’t forgive so easily.

She's a Keeper

Any woman well tell you that the worst annual visit that they have to do is the Ob-Gyn. I hate them. Before this year I hadn't seen one in three years but after Tampa I've been in and out of Ob-Gyn's offices lately. I went to see my old Ob-Gyn originally and I still hated him. So I went and found myslef a new Ob-Gyn. She's a keeper! She talked to me for half an hour about my major issues. Told me about some new meds I can take for some of my health issues and during the exam she did everything right. Like I always say either a straight woman or a gay man. Now I have both! A straight female Ob-Gyn and and a homosexual male PCP. I living the good life! Minus the part where I've seen an Ob-Gyn so many times this year and even more by the end of it. I haven't had my vajayjay looked at so much in a long time.

City Like

I finally did it! I've become one of those city people that watches movies and plays for free at her local park. They'd been announcing it in the city free paper all week and I decided to go and see it. 12th Night starting at 7 until it was over in complete darkness. Next Friday they're showing a Charlie Chaplin movie and you guessed I'm there. Hmmmm I can't leave this neighborhood now I truly do love the fact that they do this all summer.

Taxicab Drivers

The heat has been excruciating lately. I usually walk or bike it everywhere when I'm traveling inside the city. The weather hasn't lent itself to that lately. Walking more then two blocks leaves a pool of sweat behind me. Having had someone lose the key to the lock on my bike I can't even bike it. So I've been catching taxis more then I usually do.
I don't like to catch taxis very often because I feel like I'm being lazy. The other reason I don't like taxis is the idiots that tend to drive them. I don't know what the deal is but the drivers tend to be morons. To prove my point I tell you these two stories.
I had a meeting a bit over a mile from my house. I usually walk there but because of the heat I was slow in getting prepared and refused to walk to the building. I was going to walk to the nearest street that I know taxi drivers frequent. Four blocks before I got to the street a taxi was stopping at the stop sign. I signaled to him and told him to drop me off at 40th and Chestnut as close to the Ronald McDonald House as possible. Simple instructions right? Any smart taxi driver would have known to leave me on the left side of Chestnut between 40th and 39th. He left me between 41st and 40th and on the right side. As he gives me my change he compliments my perfume and started asking me for locating information on me. I took my change and got out while slamming the door. What the hell?
Today I took the day off from work. It was one of those mental health day type deals. I decided to go do some grocery shopping. Again I decided to take a taxi back home. The guy started asking me if I was vacation how long I had taken off from vacation and all kinds of stuff that wasn't any of his business. Again left me at the corner of the street like his counterpart. This guy was giving me the creeps so I didn't say anything but hand him the fair. He owed me four dollars but only gave me two back. I always tip and I believe I usually over tip so this guy took me by surprise that he took his own tip out! What the hell is going on with taxi cab drivers lately?

Trophy Wife

February 22
I had president's day off so I decided to use it wisely. I had plans of cleaning my house and going to the gym and catching up on things like writing my friends and all that such none sense. I even thought that I could get some arts and crafts in something along the lines of scrap booking or starting a painting.
First things first of course and after waking up I got in my gym clothes and caught the trolley to the gym. I got on the tread mill and set it up for an hour of running uphill the whole way. I put in my head set and began running in my target heart rate for as long as I could. Suddenly as I was listening to Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm I felt someone looking at me. I turned my head and there was Mike, the gym's personal trainer director. I took my head set off and smiled at him.
"Didn't mean to startle you," he said.
"It takes more then that to startle me. What's up?"
"Just wanted to say hi," he smiled at me. I smiled back but was suspicious. Mike had never talked to me before. I knew that he was interested in Megin my former personal trainer and friend.
"That's nice of you. You must be dying working here on the holiday knowing everyone that's coming in has the day off," I made idle chit chat.
"It's part of the job," he was looking at the monitor on the tredd mill.
"I'm keeping my target heart rate," I ackwnowledged.
"Obvious?"
"I'm a therapist it's my job to pay attention to the body language and read between the lines without the person realizing it unless I want them to," I gave him another smile. Did he know that I was telling him I knew he was only talking to me to pump information out of me?
"Any plans for the rest of the day?" he changed the subject,or had he?
"After the gym I have two small errands to run in the city and then I'm going back to University City," I took my water bottle.
"What are you doing in the city?"
"Buying a birthday present for a freind and I brought Megin's Christmas present with me. I've had it for several months and I need to give it to her before it's Easter," I decided to cut the chase.
"Where does she work again?"I thought that he didn't know.
"You know around Urban Outfitter and Ann Taylor," I smiled at hm innocently. I gave him a two block area. With all the stores and her odd schedule he would have a hard time finding her.
"You're doing good at keeping a pace to keep your target hear rate," he pointed at the monitor. He realized I wasn't giving him any information.
"Megin and Joe taught me well. If they hadn't I wouldn't lost all the weight I did!" I was always proud of talking about my weight loss.
"Yes Megin always told me about how great you were doing. I told her once that I thought you'd be great trophy wife material if you didn't fight it so much," I turned to look at him. I realized he thought he was paying me a compliment. Instead I was offended but I wasn't going to let him know or was I?
"So I'm going to try to keep this going. It was nice talking to you. I'll see you next time I'm in here," I put my headset back on and put the volume up higher. I turned to him and smiled and then looked towards the TV.
When I was done my excercise routine I ran down to the locker room and changed into my street clothes. I decided to be trophy wife material the rest of the day. The rest of my day began at Tiffany's where I bought the present and ended in Ann Taylor wehre I bought several pairs of strappy shoes. While at Arden B. I looked myself in the mirror and told myself I was too smart to let myself ever become anyone's trophy wife. The man who saw only that in me would never become my trophy husband!
Update:
So yeah I still don't want to be a trophy wife! What has changed has been my obsession with becoming a size 2. At the moment I fluctuate between a 4 and a 6 and I'm happy. I no longer walk around unhappy because I can't eat the foods I love. I pig out on home made ice cream every time Kevin makes it. I have a small pouch and instead of hating it I have come to terms with it. All the excercise in the world isn't going to change my body type into a body type I am not. I'm curvy that's who I am I've accepted it. I don't go to the gym as often as I used to either. What has brought this incredible change? Tampa did. By the time I got to Tampa I was going to the gym twice a day and doing mad exercises. Yes I lost tons of weight and I was almost at the coveted size 2 but I was miserable. Everytime I accidently forgot to eat one of my 6 meals my blood sugar would go crazy. I hated anyone that could eat real meals. Finally as great as my body was I was still rejected by a man. It's not your body I realized and I changed my attitude.

Good News is I'm not Pregnant

February 17
I've been seeing the same Dr. for five years. He's one of the longest relationships I've been in. He's a great Dr. and I actually enjoy when I go see him. Here's a sentence you've probably never heard before: I have fun when I go see my doctor. Dr. Vladyka and I had a rocky begining but now we're like old friends.
Yesterday I made an emergency appointment with him. It usually takes a week to get an appointment with him but he squeezed me in so I could see him an hour after I called.
"That's a great color combination," he said pointing at my gym clothes. Oh I forgot to mentionTodd Vladyka, DO a man of Russian descent and a great sense of style is also gay.
"Thanks, I like to call this ensemble my gym clothes," I smiled at him.
"You're going to the gym?"
"Like my new religion," I giggled at him.
"You don't look sick and you're a month early for your annual check-up," he looked at my medical chart.
I began explaining to him the reason that I was in to see him. He looked at me and listened and shook his head at the right moments. My hands were trembling as I spoke to him and I fought for my voice not to crack. The emotions of a week had been building up and threatening to escape from me.
"Are you pregnant?" he asked when I finally finished speaking.
I laughed as I told him, " you need to check that chart that you're holding."
"Yes I remember but it could be a possiblity," he explained to me.
"I thought you'd want me to take a pregnancy test but I just had to protest otherwise it wouldn't be me," I sighed.
"Yes that's in my chart too," he thumbed through it and winked at me.
"Give me the cup,"I reached my hand towards him as he went into the cupboard to take the specimen cup out.
"Do you remember where the bathroom is?"
"I've only done this every time you think I might be pregnant. Even though you know I never am," I mumbled under my breath.
"Good there you are come into the lab with that," he motioned me to the room thre doors down from the bathroom as I went into the hall.
"This is disgusting," I said looking into the cup.
"Here are the strips put that in the sink and we'll get this done," he said showing me where the sink was.
"Can I do it?' I asked enthustiastically.
"Do you know how to do it?"
"Stick the strip in the speciment not past the blue stripe give it 60 seconds for it to tell me if I'm with child or not," I said smuggly.
"Nursing school make you this smug?" he lifted an eyebrow at me.
"Only as much as Medical School made you smug, " I winked at him.
"There you go one line answer, " he said pointing to the strip.
"Surprise, surprise it's negative," I rolled my eyes. I knew that it would be but a part of me wanted it to be positive. It was silly because I knew that it was impossible.
"So we're going to do some blood test and I'll prescribe something to make you feel a bit better," he took out his prescription pad as we walked back to the medical suite.
"Now next month when you come in for your annual we'll get you on birth control and I'll give you a referral to the specialist so you can talk to her about children. It's not impossible if you really want to have them someday. I know that you're not at that place yet but someday you wil and we might as well get you ready now," he explained.
"i've always wanted them," I bit my lip. Suddenly not having the option I realized that I had always wanted them. When it was an optiion that I thought could be possible in the future I never even thought of it.
"I have faith that you'll fix me when the day comes that I truly want children. Even if it means that I have to adopt I know you'll help me the dream become a reality," I hugged him and snatched the prescriptions from his hand.
"You've always loved the drugs," he laughed.
"I didn't start loving them until you starting prescribing them," I smiled at him and then winked before walking out the room.
"See you in a month," he told me before I opened the door out of the office. I smiled to myself it was good to know that the person that held the keys to making my dreams come true was also my friend.
Update:
I took another pee test recently and this one came out positive. Positive for blood and for protein. It wasn't a pregnancy test it was to see if I had a UTI. Like clock work of course my Dr. began freaking out and had me take a million test that I should have known would come out negative. The thing is sometimes when he gets going he gets me worried and I go along with him. I think it's wonderful that my doctor is a drama queen!

Confessions of a lip whore

December 12, 2005
Airports:
I was flipping through channels and stopped on HBO showing Love Actually. At the end Hugh Grant has a monologue about airports and kissing. That got me thinking and it dawned on me the last three guys I've kissed have kissed me in the airport at least once.
It all started with Bill. His real name is not Bill but I've always thought he looks like a Bill. When I used to have dreams of him I called him Bill. Bill and I have been friends for a long time and at some point we became kissing friends. Bill was visiting town and I went to hang out with him for a bit and we ended up kissing. My one day visit ended up being a three day visit with him. I dropped him off at the airport when he left and I found myself kissing him right there. I've never been a PDA person but for some reason I was all about it that day. Our good-bye kiss was full of lust and confusion. It was the best last kiss I ever gave some one.
Then there was Ken. This is his real name. Ken and I were co-workers for four years before we started dating. he was a great marriage candidate in writing. Ken was a doctor and was in the reserves for the Air Force. I soon realized that even though he was 12 years older then me I was more mature. Ken got called to Iraq. I still have the clipping of us kissing good-bye. This too was a last kiss. I think both Ken and I realized that we were mutually breaking up that day as he got on that plane to Iraq. Soon after someone told me he had gotten a girl in his team pregnant. I was happy for them!
Joe has also gotten an airport kiss. Joe has gotten several airport kisses. He's the only one that hasn't been a last kiss. These kisses are filled with whatever emotion we're feeling that day. Once we were angry at each other and the kiss was filled with resentment. When he left to school I was estatic for him but he was nervous making it an awkward kiss. The last airport kiss was a sweet and gentle kiss since we knew that we would be seeing each other very soon.
I've come to realize in my 13 years of kissing that kisses are like people each one is unique. There have been kisses that I have forgotten and there are kisses that are forever in my memory. My first kiss is a pefect example of kisses I shan't foget. I can remember my first kiss with every guy I've kissed. Someone once asked me if that wasn't a lot of kisses to remember. I responded that kisses are like friends you can never have enough of them and I'm a friendly person. I hope that someday I can be eternally monogomous in my kissing but until then I will continue filling my memories with moments and feeling evoked by someone kissing me.
Update:
I hate airports but most of all I hate Amtrak and Amtrak stations. How did this happen? You can blame it on Bill. Let's remember that Bill isn't his real name but now a days I'm not even calling him Bill I call him Voldermort (he who won't be mentioned). Our last kiss was a good night kiss and also a good-bye kiss. It was in my home but the reason I made it a good bye kiss was for all the things he did to me while on an Amtrak tain. I saw him to the airport but only because I believed it to be the polite thing to do. Neither of us attempted a kiss there. I didn't do it because I felt I'd throw up if I did kiss him. It is sad that such a long friendship would come to such a screeching halt but that is life. Some day I will be able to have completly forgiven Voldermort but for now I believe that the further away we are from one another and the least amount of contact the better. So there comes the end of Airport kissing for me

Flat is Better

November 06 2005
Yeah I know what all you dirty minds are thinking but that's not what I was talking about!
SEPTA (Phillies public trans.) is on strike again. I have a bike but I haven't ridden since high school and I never rode in a big city before. I almost got killed on the way home Friday. I was going downhill on the bike going too fast. A car tapped me bad, if he hadn't breaked and I hadn't breaked when we did I would not be alive. I called my boss crying and scared, he told me to come to his house.
I'm staying at his house until the stirke is over.
The phone rang I turned over it wasn't on the night stand. I picked up the pillows and found the phone. It was only 10:30. I picked up but I was not happy. When I had done with the conversation I put on my pajamas and left the room. I felt myself still shaky from the day before.
"Morning!" Howell said.
"I'm not a morning person sorry someone woke me up!" I yawned. I looked into the pantry and decided to make pancakes.
"Do you want chocolate chip pancakes?'
"Farina" I didn't want Farina but I wasn't going to make two breakfasts.
"Left over Challah should I make Challah french toast," I yawned again.
"with the Farina should be good," Howell looked at me. I knew that he noticed that I was a mess and that I was still shocken up from the night before.
Within ten minutes the two of us had made breakfast and set the table. We both read the newspaper as we ate breakfast we often commented on our articles and made several grunts to one another.
We cleaned up when we were done breakfast and as quick as we made it we cleaned up after ourselves. I'm going to finish wrapping the Christmas presents would you be offended if I did the yard today?"
"No,'" he answered walking to his office,
I cried to myself as I wrapped gifts. I hit the shower when the last of the 50 gifts for my clients was packed. Instead of showering and getting dressed, I showered and put my gym clothes on. The rest of the day I raked I plowed picked every leaf out of the 1 acre house. Suddenly I realized I was happy I was tired and mosst of all my frustrations were gone, as I packed the five 40 gallon bag of leaves.
It was 5 hrs of hard work later when I walked in to my new glass home. As I went to my room to change Howell came back in from a long day of trying to find peopwl to invest money in our agency.
"Dinner?"
"I was about to change and rummage for it!" I headed to the wing with the rooms.
When I came back out I was told to get my coat we were to eat dinner out. I realized how a hard days work had made me tired and able to forget my near death experience. I was happy again.